It's Really Not an NT or Aspie Thing....

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As I said, it was an honest mistake..I like this articule

"Pass judgment with curiosity and compassion"

http://patrickschriel.com/2010/02/09/pa ... ompassion/

Have you ever tried not to pass judgment on something or someone? Not passing judgment seems a very noble, often spiritual, goal but from my own experience I can tell you that it’s very difficult. It’s in our human nature to form an opinion, and judge, on almost everything. It’s a catch 22: Either we judge, and feel bad about it, or we desperately try not to judge and feel trapped, stressed, as we cannot express our feelings.

As mentioned above, most people have an opinion about everything. Whether it’s about sports, business or politics, we think we know it all and pass judgment all the time; without knowing the relevant background or facts. One of our neighbors has a new car and we react in envy, thinking that there is no way he can pay for it. If someone is late for work we think he is a slacker. Someone is giving us feedback and we think he or she is jealous and doesn’t like us. We get fired and blame our boss, the economy or the government without knowing exactly why.

The funny thing is that if someone is passing judgement on us we view this as a bad habit, but once someone else is concerned we pass judgement all the time. Have you ever wondered why this is and why our own opinion is more important than that of others, why we apply double standards?

I guess there is a thin line between passing judgement and having your own opinion. This is how I keep them apart: When people pass judgement they usually don’t know all the facts, they presume they know. An honest opinion is based on curiosity, wanting to know how things work, wanting to know why people react the way they do. We can be wrong, but at least we made the effort to check for facts.

In one of my recent articles, stop blaming others and take control over your life, I said that once you stop blaming others you will make a major step in your personal development. When you work on your judgement towards others you will make another personal development step as well. The idea here is that you do not only think about yourself but make a conscious effort to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. You make the effort to find out why people do and say things, why they make certain decisions. It is a step from unconscious thinking, to conscious thinking.

The idea here is not to stop passing judgement on others completely, or never have an opinion about everything. The idea is to transform it, take passing judgement to the next level. Add curiosity and compassion to your judgement and you will get something very powerful. You will still have your own opinion, but it will be based on facts, not presumptions.

Here is what I do. Whenever I catch myself passing judgement, I think to myself: Is my opinion based on facts? Could it be that someone else will look at the same situation completely different then I do? If I was standing in his or her shoes, would I do the same? Do they know all the facts? Do I? Maybe we’re both right, but see it from a different angle.

In almost all occasions I found that the situation was quite different from what I originally thought and that my first thought, my judgement has been transformed into a much better understanding of the situation. That’s the power of passing judgement with curiosity and compassion."

As i said, I was not passing judgement, you were mistaken, I was simply reacting to something I felt was an attzck, without all the facts..an opinion, a wrong one., I make mistakes all the time..

Seriously....the author of the article you posted doesn't know that - again - there is no "thin line" between passing judgment and having an opinion: they are one and the same. (Umm....he/she also apparently doesn't know how to spell the word judgment, and/or is unaware of how to use spell check.)

This thread is not, nor was it ever intended to be, a debate about the definition of the word judgment, and/or a forum for you to express your opinion about people expressing their opinions. If you'd like to discuss that topic, please start your own thread.

Great post I enjoyed reading it. I stay well away from women trouble with a capital T which is lucky for me as I'm a pretty much alone and pretty don't care autistic I have my pets and my hobbies what more could you need? Haven't they done enough damage ?

@HopeGrows: I like you advice and insight. I am pretty surprised you feel you have to state that it is not an nt vs aspie thing. I guess I like the differentiation between aspies and NTs simply because the terms sort of makes me part of a fellowship of people who has a lot of experiences I share with them. Of course it is a "them or us" thing, and as such it is not very nuanced or useful for much other than strong generalizations and making me (and others) a part of some minority.

I have lived together with two women (not at the same time), and especially the last one I really think had (and still have) some issues. I feel she needed attention to an extreme degree, and poor me who needs to have a lot of time own, I felt guilty of not being able to give her all that attention, and I also could not keep up with her high rate of entertainment (she wanted literally to go out or having friends visiting every night. Every single night, and every third week she would stay in bed for two or three days because she was ill).

Maybe I should have run away. I actually told her very early in our relationship that I felt it would not work out, and she responded by going to my kitchen, find the biggest knife and threaten to cut her wrists (of course she did not even make the tinyest scratch).

Maybe I should have run away, but I can not help to think of something my doctor said to me when I mentioned her at the time. He asked me if I had thought of the possibility of her having some issues herself? Because he found that people very often are attracted to "kindred spirits".

If so, a person like me with all my social awkwardness will attract women with various issues themselves, and I myself will be attracted to women with such issues.

If I choose to run away from them, then the end result will be that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Not that it means much atm, because that relationship with that woman was such an unpleasant experience that it took me three years to get over, and I am not really keen on the thought of getting a girlfriend again.

Another thing. I have been in love plenty of times, and from that I have learned one thing: The nice, smart and beautiful women out there will not wait for a year for you if they want a boyfriend. Maybe it is different in other countries, but where I am from, you have some months, and if you have not progressed much in the relationship, then the woman will find someone else. "Those who hesitates ma........."

Actually, I think we're agreeing on this point. My point in saying that its not "Aspie" or "NT" that defines a person as functional or "normal" - it has much more to do with their psychological health.

Its very possible that the ex-gf you described in your post was bipolar, or even BPD. While I agree with the doc to some extent (that like attracts like), I think there are degrees. So for example, let's say your ex was bipolar - that would make her different. You're an Aspie - that makes you different. So, you're both kinda different ("likes"), but I think that's where the argument kinda dies (for me). Your ex-gf had some extreme personality issues, that resulted in some extreme behaviors and demands. It would be hard for any man - even one with a lot of relationship experience, with really good boundaries, and with no special needs of his own - to deal effectively with her and her demands. But as an Aspie, you had needs that were very much the opposite of hers: a need for solitude, a need for downtime, a need to pursue your own interests. So even though you were both "different," your differences were uniquely incompatible (at least in terms of having a successful, long-term relationship).

So, I guess I disagree with the premise that you're limited to "different" mates (this forum has more than a few, reasonably healthy NT women who date or are dating Aspies). But even if you feel limited to "different" mates, I urge you to choose a mate who is not bipolar or BPD (not slamming bipolar or BPDs, but their issues are uniquely difficult for Aspies to deal with). If you do choose to continue pursuing these types of relationships, then I hope you'll make every effort to educate yourself about these disorders....at least you'll understand rules of the game a bit better.

Stop growing your posts, Hope. Your thread is gonna explode already.

hope, I havent met a single aspie guy in my life, just one i thought was undiagnosed. but yeah, for the most part you are right.
NT's can still be dysfunctional, they just have the opportunity to be able to confront these issues easier than aspies.

Im diagnosed, but never researched all too much, and talking to people on the forums, who are diagnosed and or undiagnosed is a great new experience!

however, I think the sexual aspect of dating is fine withing a span of 3 to four months. at the earliest.
as long as it isnt serious talk of marriage or kids, im totally fine.

i wont marry a woman unless i date her for over 4 years, and I know she is the one. getting married too soon is a really...really...bad mistake. but sex, well, sex is part of a healthy relationship.

I've never had a GF but reading other people's posts of horror stories on here makes me not want to bother. It's not love I'm afraid of, but loss. Love is a very deep emotional investment. And I don't want to finally find someone and then they leave me. My parents, and my grandparents, have been married a long time, so this kind of informs my view of relationships. I believe in monogamy, basically. And I'm not religious, just very old-fashioned.

Fear o loss is a path to the dark side so co
E over we have candy!

You're going to lose everything, eventually. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Actually none of the things mentioned in the first post are "healthy" or "unhealthy", and anyone who defines their live by the DSM or what psychologists say is absolutely disgusting. You have NO IDEA whether the woman who got naked in front of her ex-husband was "healthy" or "unhealthy". You also have NO IDEA if their relationship should be saved, or whether that woman was trying to have sex or not. You DEFINITELY have no idea whether the other woman should have remained friends with the guy who stole from her or not. MAYBE HE WAS A GOOD FRIEND.

Quit forcing your ridiculous, disgusting standards on other people. What makes a good relationship is two people who Love each other. And if you are incapable of understanding how it is possible to Love somebody, and instead judge them on ridiculous standards such as whether they steal or not or whether or not they are naked (neither of which have anything to do with Love), then please do not talk to anyone, ever, about their relationship as you are certian to cause severe harm.

My take on what HopeFloats is saying is something like this: irrespective of being NT or non-NT, a person (male or female) can be mentally healthy or not mentally healthy. Moreover, sometimes a NT and non-NT relationship may or may not work - it really depends on the two individuals and their overall compatibility.

Maybe instead of just labelling someone as NT or non-NT, one should view the person as an unique individual - each with their own goals, fears, strengths and weaknesses. And lastly, in my opinion, viewing someone as a total package - meaning not just their looks or their job or their social skills - is the way to go.

LL

Great post!! !!
There are dysfuntional NT's and dysfunctional aspies as well!! There's quite a big difference between an aspie/NT from a bad home and those from good ones.

I started answering to Rayvn's post without noticing how old it is - it's probably useless to do it now, although I'm puzzled by its virulence. Also, people have ridiculous standards if they expect their love ones not to steal from them?

I don't think Hope was trying to force her views on anybody and the examples she gave have mostly anecdotal value - the thought beneath is a lot more important: the functionality/dysfunctionality level and even more, how aware someone is on their problems and how willing to work on them will be a lot more important in a relationship than being on the spectrum or not.

To be honest, I'm starting to believe that I wouldn't even know what to do with a girl, even if I got one interested. My sex drive has been going down, and I'm starting to feel asexual...even the thought of being "with a girl in that way" doesn't appeal to me.

I'd probably see a girl naked, and have no reaction. I'm in the meh category now, it just seems like it's not gonna happen for me, so I shouldn't get my hopes up.

However, I am with you on that whole monogamy thing. I believe in commitment. My cousin was in a relationship, and his second wife stole him from his first wife. Then his third wife started dating him while they both were married, and needless to say, it broke up my cousin's marriage and his (now) wife's marriage. Now they're together and have two kids together, but I'm sorry, I'm completely disgusted by that way of life. If someone cheats on someone with me, I'd consider the relationship over, no matter how much I liked her. Marriage is supposed to be forever, it's not a piece of paper that doesn't mean anything.

Too many people are dishonest and backstabbing. When it comes right down to it, we need to find a person who won't do that to us. Marriage should be forever, and if you enter a marriage, you should expect it to be forever.

thats marriage in a religious sense
not everyone is religious