Ever had a look around where you are IRL and thought...

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I suggest you push your family to articulate more than that you're "weird" and "embarrassing." Sit them down, take notes, and ask them specific questions. Explain that you are willing to change your approach, attitude, mannerisms, appearance, etc. in order to attract a mate, but that you need input in order to make the most important and significant changes. If they still won't be specific, consult a family therapist to see if he/she can facilitate a discussion with your family.

I want to add that it's also important not to immediately take offense and/or disagree with any points they make. I get the impression from the OP that as soon as someone says something specific she might tend to immediately disagree and argue with their point, and the family may have learned not to bother.

Even if you think what they're saying is totally false, just stay silent and let them continue. You can ponder the veracity later.

I've tried all that. They never can be specific. Therapist = freaking pointless if they're unfamiliar with how to help a person with ASD--and there are NONE of those here.

I can't discuss anything with my family without it turning into a huge argument, for some reason. They've never made any points that were terribly specific. The main complaint is my voice is too loud (I have no idea what to do about that), but other than that, they can't point to any one thing that I do. So there really isn't anything to listen to. The arguing comes when I'm trying to make them elaborate and they can't.

Firstly I'd like to add that being paranoid about internet serial killers is ridiculous. I've known some internet friends longer than anyone I've known IRL, and I trust them absolutely. Honestly they are closer friends than anyone I've known IRL. Obviously I've met hundreds of people on the internet and only 2-3 are close friends like this, but If you meet someone on the internet, just talk to them on the internet for a while. You will figure out what they are like, just like any other medium. There are guys on the internet that are just as lonely as you, and most of them are "nice guys who finished last", therefore they're nice guys.

This is basically what I'm talking about. There can't be an argument if you don't argue.

Did you immediately say something like "wtf how can I fix my voice volume".

I know how hard it is for an aspie to accept criticism like this, and I know the compulsion to argue with something you think is unfair or isn't true, because I used to do that myself.

Every single point they make, no matter how general, just ask "how so" or something.

If they say "You're weird...", you reply "How so?" and so on and so on.

It's extremely important to remain calm and don't berate them for not being specific, I've found NTs don't remember specific examples and get annoyed when I ask "what's an example of x".

Also, because of your past experience with the family and these arguments, I'd start off this time by saying that you are deadly serious that you aren't going to argue, and if you do they can remind you that you promised not to.

Also possibly try 1 on 1 discussions instead of a big group session.

@Vindi has made some very good points - but then several posters have, and you've shot them all down.

I'm guessing you can't discuss anything with your family without it turning into a huge argument because you're a bit of a contrarian, and you're stubborn. Seriously, you should re-read this thread, because all of your responses have refuted each poster's ideas. The net effect of the way you've responded here is that people will stop trying to communicate with you - they don't want to put the time and energy into finding a way to reach you when you've demonstrated over and over that you will not be reached. If this is the way you respond to feedback from your family, I'm not surprised arguments occur. If you seriously want to change the outcome of these conversations, you'd do well to take @Vindi'a advice.

It's usually 1 on 1, and that doesn't help either.

I've tried asking how so, still get freaking nowhere. Yeah, a lot of the time they claim memory lapses.

Volume's a special case because it doesn't sound too loud to me, after all I have sensitive ears and if I really was that loud I'd be breaking my own eardrums. Specifically they tell me I'm SCREAMING when I'm doing nothing of the sort. Not even close. I sit there basically thinking "Oh you think THIS is screaming? You ain't heard nothing yet..." What they call 'screaming' I'm actually holding back quite a bit.

Heh, I am stubborn and sometimes contrary; the person that diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome says this is the way people with ASD are.

Well they aren't.
I am not stubborn or contrary. And its people who are those that end up causing the fights. I don't fight with many people IRL but when I do its always with people who are those two things.

Even if some "specialist" said that, i find it in poor form to use it as an excuse for your behaviour.

I say inapropriate things. A specialist told me that often AS people say inappropritae things. Am I at fault if I say inappropriate things? YES! I am!

Learn to adjust your behaviour.

OP, you've given a pretty classic example of why your attempts to get feedback aren't successful: people tell you you're screaming, and you refuse to believe them. Why on earth would they tell you you're screaming if you aren't? And from their perspective: if I tell you you're screaming and your response is to argue that you're not screaming, or to simply refuse to lower your voice - why would I bother trying to give you any other kind of feedback?

From a larger perspective, you must realize that a romantic partnership will require compromise, an ability to listen to your partner, to accept feedback from your partner, and in other ways ensure that the relationship is enjoyable to both of you. Do you really believe you're prepared to do those things? If you aren't willing to listen to feedback from family members, how will you listen to feedback from a partner? @Hale_Bopp is spot on when she tells you that you have to learn to adjust your behavior. Even if you meet a nice guy, you won't be able to sustain a relationship as long as you remain as intractable as you seem to be.

Double post.

I've been like this lately, for the past...almost a year now, I guess

I don't know if it's because the last few girls I've had had really raised the bar on my pickiness, or if I'm just still hung up on them, or if I'm just tired of trying right now, or what.

Though I suppose I have found a small handful of girls online who have gained my interest enough for me to message them, they always live too far away and/or don't reply back and/or lose interest in me.

So then I go right back to apathy, woo!

At least I'm keeping busy and not moping about it too often, which is always a major plus.

I guess I'm just a lucky one, as my girlfriend and I met on myspace. She randomly added me. So I guess the only thing I can say is that sometimes when you stop looking, the right one finds you... (corny I know lol)

Because when I'm not screaming, I'm not screaming. They're exaggerating. Screaming is when I raise my voice and I can FEEL putting more effort into raising my voice.

My family has a habit of either exaggerating, or using the wrong terms for things (which REALLY drives me up the wall). So they're exaggerating to try to get me to lower my voice but all it does is make me angry because they're exaggerating. Angry =/= screaming. When they tell me I'm screaming? Trust me, it could be a LOT louder.

If you heard me in real life maybe you could figure out whether or not they're full of s***...



*shrugs* that's the other half of the problem...but I doubt it will even get that far.

I do listen to other people IF they have good advice. It's not that I'm absolutely not willing to listen. There's something about listening to my particular family members because they are not right in their advice. Would you listen to someone who regularly gave bad or stupid advice? I think not.

Hell I have friends on the internet who, when I told them things my parents said, went "Wow your parents are ret*d."

Ok, lets just say you aren't screaming then. Does it really matter if they say that? they probably just mean lower your voice. By kicking up a stink you never achieve anything. Just try and talk quieter. I have a loud voice, and its not impossible.

Unfortunately, I can't hear you IRL, so I can't offer an opinion on the volume of your voice. However, @Hale_Bopp makes another valid point: does it really matter if your definition of "screaming" is identical to your family members' definition? If you're speaking too loudly (according to the people you interact with most), you're speaking too loudly.

To your last point, no I wouldn't listen to someone who regularly gave me "bad" or "stupid" advice...but it's hard to know if you'd be able to listen to any advice - if you thought the advice conflicted with your perspective. If you think your family is truly incapable of rendering solid advice, then I suggest you re-visit the idea of involving your therapist. Perhaps you two can develop a plan of action in which you could receive impartial advice from some objective source.

Look...

Just stop thinking about what you want to say the second you read these responses, go back and read this thread from someone elses perspective... pretend that your posts are someone elses, and just look at them.

Every. Single. One. Has you arguing and complaining about every single piece of advice everyone gave. Your a naysayer. You act like there is no way YOU should be the one who should change, that society f*****g sucks because it doesn't work right for you.

Well guess what, this world depends on people compromising. That's just how it is. No one person will always get there way, and society definitely doesn't change around a single person, especially someone with AS.

Well every single piece of advice I've seen in this thread is good advice... and yet you argued against every single one.

There's a difference between listening to advice that makes you happy, and listening to good advice. Good advice generally brings another perspective into things and is usually something you do NOT consider on your own.

I have a feeling if I told you "Well tough luck, just give up, there's no way your gonna get a good guy, so really make yourself happy without it" You'd take that perfectly fine, because that's along the lines of what you WANT to hear.


Please don't take that totally to heart. People often say things like that over a single occurance that happens... and in that case, yeah, people might agree and call them 'ret*d'-- but they aren't there and they don't know your parents and the entire situation... there are way too many factors involved that those online friends will never know. Those comments are for specific occurrences, not in general about your parents. (And shockingly enough, everyone does something that someone else would call ret*d, so I'm not going to go along with you in the claims your parents are ret*d.)



I was often told to stop yelling, and I'd scream back "I'M NOT YELLING!! !! !! ! GOD!"-- but reality was, I was. If not specifically yelling all the way, I was raising my voice, and speaking much louder, which people explain in different ways "yelling" "screaming" "raising your voice". Its not complete screaming for your life like some axe murderer is out to get you, no, but its just a term people use.

It may bother you that they weren't being specific and were using the wrong term, as in "Screaming" for "raising your voice"-- but, goddamnnit, its just something that your going to have to deal with. You may wish for them to use the right terms and be more specific all you want, but its not going to happen, so quit taking it so harshly and learn to adapt to it. If you must, instead of saying "I'm not screaming! You haven't even heard me scream!" in a loud voice, back to them, you can say "I'm not screaming, screaming is when someone is chopping my leg off. Please explain it better, because clearly my limbs are still intact" or something that lets them know they're using the wrong term.

And sorry... I wasn't there, but I'm almost positive you ARE raising your voice. To you it might not be noticeable, and rarely is when one is upset, but to others its pretty obvious. I've seen it happen to me time and time again, and only in retrospect do I notice.

What amuses me, is that you already know this, but you clearly don't want to be in the wrong, and just sticking to your guns until everyone walks away in disgust.

I've done this myself, time and time again, so know exactly how this defensive stubbornness works, but after a while when I'm alone I think about things again and try to convince myself to let go, then I can change. When I'm in the stubborn mode, there's no shifting me. I'm going to stick to my guns and my side of the story/what I want, if it kills me. And often times it does more harm than good... (as in, nearly always). But give me some time, and I will loosen up and rethink things (so long as I'm alone, and not expected to anymore).
I know that its really difficult sometimes.
Like one... simple, but really stupid example.
I've always told people I'm not going to get married, and not going to date. And everyone always responds back "You say that now, but just wait until you meet someone, you'll change." To which I respond "No, I won't."
Well, years later, that still forces me to stick to my guns. Because I said I wouldn't, even if I actually DO want a boyfriend, and DO want to change, because I said I wouldn't, I won't. Its one of the things I'm fighting right now... There are still a lot of factors going on leaning to why I /don't/ want a boyfriend, but... not giving in to what ppl said is a huge one. And thats just plain stupid. So f*****g what if they are correct afterall, it'd end up with me in happiness... but my nature makes me want to clam up and wait and wait and wait until I'm dead, rather than give in and admit they were right.

So yeah, I understand where you're coming from. But I still fight it. As much as my nature makes me dread and squirm at the thought of someone else being right (and me arguing yet being wrong), I am able to recognize that they WERE right, and that if I just give in a little, things'll come out for the better.

Usually things aren't so cut and dry like that... thats particularly bothersome because I specifically SAID I wasn't going to, so makes me feel like I backed out of my word...

But theres a much more subtle layer here, of what I /think/ or /suggest/ and being wrong... like say, if I were you... I say that theres no one worthy of me, that theres no body who'd care. People say they're out there, but your going to have to change how your looking for them.

Well that suggests you were wrong in your original assumption, and that HURTS. So yeah, I see why your getting all defensive and arguing each and every point.... but really, that isn't any way to go about it. Sometimes you really do need another perspective to change things. Even if that means admitting you were wrong in your original assumption (which sucks, but happens)




...now that I got all confused with where I was going, and probably repeated 10 different points in different spots and muddled everything... all I want to say is.... Loosen up. Take some time to look things over, try to look at it from an outside perspective, and look at how you're acting, because from my ("our" from the other posts I read, but not going to say that your entire audience is included, so "my" for now) point of view... your acting like a spoiled brat who just wants everything to work out immediately, and refuses to compromise at all. If you're able to calm down, and admit, and give in... to anything really, to simply admitting that yeah, you are being stubborn and not taking advice, then you have a chance... if you can't do that... then I'm sorry, but that may very well be a reason people aren't interested in you. Nobody is interested in contorting themselves to meet the others every whim, because the other won't compromise at all (well, maybe not "nobody"... I'm sure there's some submissive guys out there who truely enjoy basically being a servant to the other... but in that case, you're gonna need to be damn assertive to find that person. )