Here's What Happened

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Joined: 28 Jul 2010
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10 Aug 2010, 7:31 pm

On FaceBook, a friend of mine changed her relationship status to "single". I took notice because it showed up in my news feed, but I didn't immediately react to the news via FB. After some time, I genuinely wished to see her before our Fall Semester began, and started us talking about doing something together. We're going to the movies tomorrow to see Inception. But in the course of planning this, she took me off thinking about going at night to the middle of the afternoon because she's going to dinner with her boyfriend then. :oops:

I guess this is better then going tomorrow and thinking it's a date and trying to start a relationship the best I can. I almost told her about this I don't know how many times last night but backed out. But I'm thinking I should tell her face to face because she deserves to know. I really am friends with her and she's actually the first person outside of my family I told about my diagnosis. We had a class together during the Spring Semester that just passed, and we will continue to be involved in a club made up of people who recieve a certain scholarship. Therefore, I'm not really looking to rock the boat and lose a friend who from my perspective treats me the best.

PS: What really upsets my stomach is the boyfriend has the same first name as me.

FerrariMike_40
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10 Aug 2010, 8:36 pm

Can you elaborate on this sentence, sorry for not understanding...

Quote:

she took me off thinking about going at night to the middle of the afternoon because she's going to dinner with her boyfriend then

So she switched your date to the middle of the afternoon? I've never heard of any girl doing that, I think most girls would get the message when you want to take her to a movie.

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Northeastern292
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11 Aug 2010, 10:10 am

Capper7 wrote:

I guess this is better then going tomorrow and thinking it's a date and trying to start a relationship the best I can. I almost told her about this I don't know how many times last night but backed out. But I'm thinking I should tell her face to face because she deserves to know. I really am friends with her and she's actually the first person outside of my family I told about my diagnosis. We had a class together during the Spring Semester that just passed, and we will continue to be involved in a club made up of people who recieve a certain scholarship. Therefore, I'm not really looking to rock the boat and lose a friend who from my perspective treats me the best.

PS: What really upsets my stomach is the boyfriend has the same first name as me.

I'm confused as well.

Capper7
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11 Aug 2010, 9:54 pm

FerrariMike_40 wrote:

Can you elaborate on this sentence, sorry for not understanding...

Quote:

she took me off thinking about going at night to the middle of the afternoon because she's going to dinner with her boyfriend then

So she switched your date to the middle of the afternoon? I've never heard of any girl doing that, I think most girls would get the message when you want to take her to a movie.

I'm sorry about that.

I was originally thinking about going to the movies at night (like 8PM), but she introduced the idea of going in the afternoon because of her plans in the evening.

Capper7
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11 Aug 2010, 10:01 pm

Things actually turned out OK today. I was 100% transparent with her and she took it well. She and this other guy apparently had a rough patch and gave each other some space for a while, but they are looking to work things out if they can. It's these complexities that I didn't pick up on, thinking they either were in a relationship or they weren't. For the time being, I have a very good friend in her. I guess I was just nervous because it was the first time I really had the nerve to ask a girl to do something like that and also the first social thing I did all summer.

PS: Off topic (sorry), but Inception was awesome!

foreveryoung
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11 Aug 2010, 10:10 pm

Nothing good is going to come with being friends with her. You're the shoulder to cry on while the other guy is dating her and having sex with her. You aren't going to "win her over" and make her want to break up with him.

Northeastern292
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12 Aug 2010, 8:19 am

Yeah, this one looks like it's not going to be an easy deal. I've gotten myself in the same situation. Surprisingly, the girl and I are tight friends.

FerrariMike_40
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12 Aug 2010, 4:09 pm

foreveryoung wrote:

Nothing good comes from friendship? Really?

Capper7, it is good that you can be friends with her. I know you may not want to hear this, but don't fall into the trap of thinking she is the only girl in the world. Until your time will come to have a girlfriend, it's good to have as many friends that are girls as possible. I know this because I've been in your situation, it happens to me every year, I think a girl is the one for me and then we just turn out to be special friends. You just have to be patient.

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KaiG
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12 Aug 2010, 4:51 pm

foreveryoung wrote:

But... he was already friends with her. You think that if you like a friend who's unavailable, you should immediately cut them out of your life?

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foreveryoung
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12 Aug 2010, 5:52 pm

Being friends with a woman you deep down want to be more than a friend is a recipe for diasster. Part of the reason it usually never leads to the relationship, besides the guy's behavior, is that she knows she has all of the power.

I didn't mean to say that being friends with any woman is pointless...but when you're single and deep down want to date/sleep with the women in question, you can't objectively be her friend. Deep down you want her to be more.

Spyral
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12 Aug 2010, 7:26 pm

foreveryoung wrote:

Well said and I concur. It works in reverse, too. I was friends with this guy recently that I deep down wanted to date/sleep with. Well, date, and work up to the sleeping with thing. But he's not really interested and now things have gotten really weird between us. To the point that I'm not sure if we are still friends. He says asking if we are still friends is unreasonable. :?:

But the subtleties are really beyond me right now because my stress level is really high and I don't have the energy to determine wth he means.

Oh, and he knows all about the AS and is understanding (I thought). So I figured he'd be OK with being blunt but I guess not. The thing is, though, that I pretty much get that he and I would not be good as bf/gf but still want to be friends and I think I've ruined it. :cry:

FerrariMike_40
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12 Aug 2010, 9:05 pm

foreveryoung wrote:

I don't know. But my point is, the trap that most Aspies fall into thinking that a certain girl (usually a friend) is the only girl in the world that they would ever be with, is a trap to be avoided. (This is general, not necessarily in the case of the OP) I have fallen in and out of this trap several times in the past myself and I'm very non-confrontational so I have never said anything, and it's gotten me to be friends with a lot of girls I find pretty, which I don't see as a bad thing. If they get a boyfriend, unless he's abusive and is trying to hurt my friend, I will just be happy for her. I guess jealousy is just an emotion I wasn't born with.

Usually, feelings of love towards a friend do not last long anyways. And another point I was trying to make in my previous post is going through this situation and having girls as friends can give you a lot of knowledge, and experience, about what a girl wants in a boyfriend, which will make you a better boyfriend if you have that knowledge. All I can say for a fact is that it has helped me...

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billsmithglendale
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13 Aug 2010, 6:29 pm

foreveryoung wrote:

Totally agree -- I can't think of one case where it worked out in my favor. Sooner or later, friends get in the way. I would say the same for the case where it's a good-looking guy and a homelier girl with ulterior motives settles for being a friend. Eventually she's going to make a move and get rejected, and then the friendship ends.

hale_bopp
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13 Aug 2010, 6:46 pm

Just a heads up I don't think people should take much notice of someones facebook status. I was in a relationship with someone and it was listed as single the whole time, simply because I didn't feel the need to broadcast.

Sometimes I take the sinle off completely but that doesn't mean im in a relationship.

Lene
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13 Aug 2010, 11:42 pm

Quote:

I really am friends with her and she's actually the first person outside of my family I told about my diagnosis

Honestly, if she's a genuinely good friend of yours, don't tell her.

She may already suspect your feelings, but if you lay it open to her, then she will be in a very awkward position.

It's not as simple as her just choosing between you and the other guy; it's not even as simple as her just turning you down and carrying on with the friendship as if nothing has happened, because once you 'come clean', she will be forced to be dishonest in her own relationship (because if she tells her boyfriend, do you honestly think he'll be happy with you two hanging around?).

Alternatively, she may dump the boyfriend and go out with you. Not likely (no offence to you) and not a particularily nice start to what one would hope to be an open and trusting relationship.

Seriously, stay friends until she's single again at least.

Shehzain
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14 Aug 2010, 2:47 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:

That's what happened with me recently: though friend in question said that I didn't look bad, just "plain". And the situation was a little more complicated than that, but basically, yeah, that's what happened.

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