I think my boy friend has Aspergers, but not really sure.

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I've been thinking about this for a whole day now. I really don't know of anything that would help for sure, and certainly nothing that would work in a short term. I don't think you two can continue the status quo though, so something needs to change.

He should be made aware that there's a name for his eccentricities. You can't be too direct or too forceful with this though, or he'll just retreat into his shell. Leave WP open on your computer and let him read the topics, and talk about it afterwards? Or try to get him to take the aspie quiz:

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

He needs to help himself. The road is long and bumpy though. He needs two things really.

One, he needs to work on his social skills. Does he have any interests? He could join a club! Also he should practice his social skills. Talk to the tellers, cashiers, baristas, or just sit on a park bench and chat up every person that walks by. Yeah it is painful and he'll be awkward at first. But it will help!

And two, the good old triangle of happiness and health: go to bed early, healthy diet, and exercise! The importance of this cannot be emphasized enough! His mental well-being would skyrocket.

That's really all I have.

Thanks Dilbert.

I wish I had something more to offer. I don't think there is more. You'll need to be patient and work sloooowly. First things first: get him to take the test, and to read some of the relevant topics here on WP.

He can't be told what to do or how to behave. That's quite impossible. The goal should be to get him to understand and see for himself his own eccentricities, and then get him to want to change them on his own accord.

Makes sense?

Dilbert I really appreciate your time to reply me. It feels like I have someone I cant talk my pain. It is really painful.

Today I think I messed up with him, after all I am also a human being. Usually I am very patient in nature, but today I lost little patience on him.

At work I was told I can take one day off, so I asked him which day is good for him so that we can spend time together he said Monday was good, and he knows that I am taking off based on his schedule. Guess what all he spent was one hour on Monday. And then as usual no contacts, if I send texts he will reply with very short answer. Friday around noon I had chat with him asking whats his plan for weekend, and he said he will get back on that. Friday night he called and said that he going for hiking all day saturday and Sunday he has no plans. I asked him whether I can join, he said he wants to hike only with his friend. Then I said we will do something on Sunday and he said its fine. This morning I sent him a text saying that I would like to go with him to beach, he sent a text back saying "I am heading to zoo with another friend, let me see how that goes first, is that is ok", I really got so mad and sent a text saying "Wish you had told me this earlier, we already planned for sunday, anyway carry on". He did not sent any text back.

May be he is upset. May be he really dont like to spend time with me. May be I am pushing him hard to spend time with me. This is very stressful than I thought. I really like and I want to see future with him, but not really sure what direction this is going

I really dont want to write everything here in this site. Here is my email address [email protected]

It sounds like he is happy with the situation and you are not. When you try to tell him what about the situation is making you unhappy, he either does not listen or cannot understand. Perhaps if you bring up the subject of changing the situation (i.e. breaking up with him), he will feel more inspired to attend to your needs. As it stands, he feels no motivation to change his behavior. Create that motivation and see if he wakes up. If not, there was no hope anyway.

Even if he has AS that does not mean you have to put up with a situation that makes you unhappy. It doesn't matter if he does it because of AS or because he is just rude or a jerk. The end result is the same. So make your choice and do something about it. Don't be a doormat.

Thanks elucidation.

More than I am unhappy I just feel like I am being neglected. He gives more importance to what he want and dont care to even think what I want to do. Very selfish. I noticed that when he does something which he wants automatically he thinks I am also very happy.

I am thinking of being very strong. I am not going to text or email or call him. If he doesnt understand thats fine. How much I can do, if I try to explain his behaviour he will give one or two sentence and then close the topic.

He is a very nice guy and I wish he had no problem like this.

he could just be selfish
not everyone who is selfish has AS
and vice versa

It make sense Kilroy. Thanks for your response.

I will just wait and see how it goes.

we get so many here wanting to get an easy answer, and hopes their partner has AS and thus can get an easy answer to their problems
when usually, the partner is just an ass
people are ass holes

not everyone with AS is distant and cold
and not every NT is caring and whatnot
just like not all NTs are manipulative
I have AS and can be very manipulative, I lie constantly (and some people think people with AS can't lie)
its just misconceptions

It make sense Kilroy. May be that is how he is. It is very hard to change someones behavior. If he calls me this week I am planning to explain his behaviour and tell him that it bothers me. If he really wants me he will change if not what else I can do. I think emotionally it is not good for me.

Hi All,

Last night I wrote an email to my bf saying that I am being neglected, he only seem to have a little interest in me. Most of the time I am the one who has to call to see if we are meeting. Whenever we meet we does not spend much time together, the date ends quickly and so on.

I did not get any response. Not really sure why. I am sure he had seen the email but no response.

The easiest test for autism ever:

Ask him how many relatives and close acquaintances he believes have a narcissistic personality disorder. The higher the number, the more autistic he is.

^^ That doesn't make sense. He may not even know how to recognize such behavior. Do you speak from your own experience? Everyone's different, you know?

Anna, how are things today? Did he reply to your message?

Chin up Anna! One of two things will happen. He will either open up and start communicating with you and get on a path of fixing the relationship. Or you will get frustrated with him so much you will want to leave him, and then you'll find some fabulous guy who will love you and spend time with you. Things will work out. I promise.

No response, but I met him yesterday and asked him whether he had read the message, he said yes and then I asked him why there is no response and he said "I dont know what to write". I did not dig alot because I was happy that he read what I am feeling about the relationship. May be next time when I meet I am planning to ask what he thinks about the email.

Any advice Dilbert? You are right I will get a good loving guy but who knows what kind of problems that person would have. So I will try my best to be with him for now and try to fix him. Basically he is a real good guy has few problems

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like he wants to do the right thing, but is unable (but not unwilling!) to do it.

There are typically two reasons why an aspie guy wouldn't reply in an emotionally charged situation.

First is the anxiety in social situations. His entire brain power is taken up by the effort to act normal, and to not appear stupid or inappropriate. (Self confidence issues are pretty common.) So there's little left to process the conversation and come up with a reply. You know, anxiety! I'm sure you've been there at one time or another. For him that feeling of anxiety is there all the time in a social setting. He's at peace only when he's alone, or in a small circle of very close friends.

The other reason is called executive dysfunction. This is what's going on I think. (He was not put on the spot, so I don't think it's anxiety. The message was e-mailed to him, so he had plenty of time to think and come up with an answer.) He may be putting off ALL of his chores and responsibilities, yes even replying to your message.

There are lots of ups and downs with AS people. He might be on the downward rollercoaster ride. Wait until the train starts back uphill and he begins to function again, and maybe then he will reply to your message.

My advice? Tell him to think about your message and reply when he's ready. Make it clear that the reply is expected, but it can wait until he's prepared to deal with it.