"Alone Time"

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I've known my AS boyfriend for about a year & a half now. For the first 8 months or so that I knew him, he spent every waking moment texting me or talking to me online (we live in different states). Not going to lie, I loved it. He was constantly telling me that he thinks I'm beautiful, that he loves me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, etc. All of a sudden, he stopped saying those things. We still talked alot...but he just never said anything like that anymore. Then there started to be long periods of time where he wouldn't talk much, or didn't want to talk at all. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to change his mind, & when I'd ask him if I'd done something wrong, he would say no, that he just didn't want to talk. I was previously in a relationship with an NT guy for 5 years who used to play this sort of game where if he was annoyed with me he would just ignore me, & I thought my AS boyfriend was doing the same. Since I've learned more about AS, I've realized that this is pretty typical & it actually doesn't have anything to do with me, which is a huge relief. So, I guess my question is, for any other NT girls out there with AS boyfriends or husbands, what do you do when they need "alone time" for days at a time? And for all the AS guys, what suggestions do you have for me as far as what I can do to be supportive & not "nag" or come across like he's doing something wrong? Also, any insight on why he would suddenly stop complimenting me? His actual feelings about me don't seem to have changed (he's still around, after all), but girls DO still like to hear that our guy thinks we're beautiful every now & then.

how long has the "distance" thing been going on for?

well.......he sounds a lot like me to be honest. And what I have begun to notice about myself when i get into relationships is, I work real hard at first to win a girl's heart, and I compliment her all the time and one of two things happen. It comes off as too much, or at least I think so and I back off because I've actually had girls leave me over this. It is hard for me to gauge, but like everything else with me I go all or nothing.

The second thing that sometimes happens, is once things seem to be going good, I don't feel the need to say these things anymore and get overly comfortable and somewhat complacent. I feel like Ive gotten things to a good place, and that if I keep it up, Ill just scare the girl away. And I find that once that feeling of "freshness" you might call it with a new girl goes away, I tend to need a lot more space.

This is just my experience with myself, the best thing i can recommend is to ask him and just see what he has to say. Theres nothing more beautiful than understanding or blunt honesty.

Toad - About a year. It's unlikely that we'll actually be living in the same state sooner than next year.

Lost - That's actually really helpful. He only dated one girl before me, & they were together a whole of 3 weeks. He flat out told me that "she got annoying" (definitely the type of girl that needed 24/7 attention), & "once he figured her out, he got bored & lost interest." Every time he retreats, I worry that he's just "gotten bored" with me too. He assures me that isn't the case, & that he's in this for the long run, but it's hard not to take it personally or wonder if I've done something wrong. I'm learning just as much as he is!

I find it difficult to explain, but I do it, too.

In a way, its almost as though something in our brain says: "Okay, you've told them that already, no need to keep beating that drum.' And from that point on, it actually becomes uncomfortable to talk about it. Its not that I stop caring, I just suddenly feel very vulnerable about discussing it.

Often (though not always), its connected with the other person having done something that made me feel they were being less than honest with me. My Aspergian naivete has allowed me to be fooled and humiliated enough times in my life that I absolutely cannot and will not abide anyone in my life who lies to me. Seriously, I won't risk the pain and chaos anymore and I won't tolerate deception of any kind - one instance and the relationship is dead, even if it takes months after that for the corpse to stop twitching.

How common that is among people with AS I couldn't say, but I'll bet that it becomes more and more common as they age.


The alone time thing is likely to be a big bone of contention once you share living space together. Socializing, even with those we care about takes a lot out of us, both physically and mentally in terms of low-grade stress. You may not notice it so much on the surface, but its there. So after even relatively short periods of socializing, we tend to retire to our personal 'nest' and get lost in our own heads for a while, sometimes days. The conflict arises when the SO wants us to come out before we're ready. Sometimes they need us to come out for one reason or another, but it always leads to resentment if we haven't had enough time for our social brain to reset yet. No advice there, just the facts.

I was together with my last ex for around 7 years, we live in different countries, and well our relationship went exactly the same as yours, except at the time I didn't realise I had aspergers so it ended up destroying our relationship. You do have a singular advantage of knowing it is aspergers. For me the issue was trying to keep up the initial amount of attention. it was physically and mentally exhausting trying to do that and had nothing what so ever to do with the amount of love I had

Hmm...right now it's kind of difficult because talking is all we have, but when we're living together...does this "alone time" mean he will need to be physically alone? Because I'm fine with not talking at all, even for days on end, but I like to just...BE with the person I love. I'm perfectly okay with not socializing at all, or even staying home for several days in a row, but I don't want to have to be completely by myself in our house ALL the time...

Nikki, hearing your take on it & the fact that it didn't have anything to do with how much you loved your SO is really reassuring. I appreciate that.

Well, for me, being in the same room with another person is socializing, whether anything is being said or not. I am still aware that there are nonverbal methods of communication going on as subtext, and I can't read most of them, but I'm sure they're telling me I'm expected to do something I'm not doing. And knowing that stresses me out.

Sometimes just knowing there's another person home in the house is enough to put me on edge, especially if I know that person is in some kind of funky mood. Because that means I'm automatically obligated to 'fix them' and I have no clue as to how, probably don't have the capability if I knew, and even if I guess the answer to the mystery question, the odds are better than even whatever I do, it won't be done correctly.

Which is why I am three times divorced and living alone. Peace at last.

That's good to know...I don't want him to feel that I expect anything from him all the time, but I can understand why that would be the case. Do you think the fact that he's never lived with a girlfriend or been married helps anything at all? Or will that just make it harder? When you first got married did you find that it was completely different, or much harder, than you thought it would be? This is all very helpful info.

Well, the first time I was married, I was only 20, and that only lasted 6 months, so most of what I recall from that was a sort of subconscious panic that I was in over my head, probably due to my impaired Executive Function, but I couldn't have known that at the time, because it was another 25 years before I knew what AS was and nearly 30 before I was diagnosed (my first exposure to Autism was ABCnews 20/20 bits in the 80s when researchers were asked 'Why do the children rock and sway like that?' and I sat at home crying and whispering "I know why they do it').

The first time I remember noticing the social anxiety within a relationship and really being intensely aware of it came during a live-in relationship a couple years later, at about age 23. Again, I had no way of naming it back then, but as that relationship began to deteriorate, I could sense from the back of the house when her key hit the front door and would automatically go into an anxiety attack.

Its peculiar to me now, that I can recall things like that, that were emotional and difficult at the time even though each situation presented somewhat differently, and now I understand how connected they all were by this underlying neurological glitch. As I was saying earlier, it affects us on every level, in ways we may not realize until analysis after the fact.

So how can I keep things as stress-free for him as possible? We won't be living together for quite some time, but I don't want to cause him any unnecessary anxiety if I can help it.

It really sucks that you had to go so long without knowing about AS. However, I am very grateful for the insight you offer here. I'm still not entirely sure what aspects of AS I can actually ask my boyfriend about (since I have no idea how much he knows of how it affects him), & your posts have been very helpful.

well I'd like to point out, not everyone is that severe with their social issues. I mean, I have times where I don't want to see anyone for days, but I have a good deal of friends because I'm "the funny guy" when I do feel like socializing. If I'm in the mood to be around people, I keep them in stitches. If I'm not, my personality shuts down and I just seem pissed off. I've never lived with a girlfriend, Just moved out on my own to be honest, but If I truly like someone, I have no problem bearing their company. I just might have to go hide away for an hour or two or immerse myself in things that I like to take the edge off, like music or videogames. If I did live with a girl, there would probably be nights I'd kind of want her to leave me to my devices for the most part, but I'd still talk to her and spend a little time with her.

Lost - You DO sound alot like my boyfriend. He's definitely got a sense of wit about him, & he actually has several friends (many of which are girls who flirt with him tirelessly, which doesn't help any insecurity I have left over from my previous relationship)...he's also very on or off with them, as you've described.

I've kind of hit a speed bump with him over the last couple of days. He's been needing space for over a week now, & insisted it had nothing to do with me. Every few days I'd check in with him just by texting & asking how he's doing (brief, to the point, no conversation following), trying to get an idea of where he's at in his typical timeline of "alone" (I can generally tell by how he responds - i.e., one-word answers are a no-go, teasing or questions in response mean he's done needing space). Yesterday when I texted him (for the first time in 3 days) he responded in his normal sort of way & told me he was out with friends, so we had a brief (but good) conversation & I told him if he wasn't busy I'd love to talk to him later in the evening. He had to work, but said he would probably be online to talk after that. It started to get late, so I sent him a text telling him I was gonna go ahead & go to bed, & he responded with a short, "K. Night." Now, he may not compliment me much anymore, but he ALWAYS says "I love you" when we say goodnight. So I texted back saying "I love you" to him...to which he responded, "...I love you too, pathetic." In spite of everything, that really hurt my feelings! I asked what he meant & he said, "Your behavior seems to scream the word. I told you I want you to leave me alone right now." It left me completely confused, because he hadn't responded that way a few hours before...things had seemed fine, & I couldn't figure out why he called me "pathetic." I knew he'd spent some time with his friends & his sister, & everything indicated that he was re-energized & would want to talk to me again. I told him that I was more than willing to leave him alone longer if he needed it, but all he had to do was ask because calling me names like that not only hurts my feelings, but in spite of him insisting that his needed space isn't about me, it makes me feel like it actually is. He answered with, "Okay, it wasn't about you...it's become about you." That's about the time I threw in the towel & said goodnight.

I have no idea how to proceed from here. I'm a little confused as to why it's suddenly "become about me." I've always been the one he can come to & be able to "de-stress" with. He's comfortable talking to me & he's shared alot of really personal things with me. I certainly don't want to become an added stress factor in his life, & I'm not sure what behavior I've had that would have made him react so strongly.

I don't even know what question I'm trying to ask. I guess my feelings are just hurt & I should probably get over it.

no.......just because he's an aspie I don't think that gives him the right to just give you crap for no reason. My guess is something else is wrong in some other area of life, and he's taking it out on you because he has no idea how to deal with it. I've been known to do this to people from time to time, and I usually don't even realize it until after the fact. Jeez......I wish i could find a girl who was half as understanding as you seem to be. I mean, it also could be that things are just going south, but if they do, ultimately it's on him for not trying to meet you halfway.

I lean strongly towards being an Aspie. I need and cherish my alone time, but days or weeks? Sorry I don't buy it. For me personally I like a day or two a month to myself, even that I don't often get. I'm less upset by overnight stays away from my wife than she is but I still want to be close to her as much as I can; as long as I'm still able to do something I want by myself outside of her presence when I chose, this is something that should not be difficult to manage in a relationship, it should come naturally to you both. If it doesn't then it's not one or the others fault but the combination of the two of you together might not be something that will lead to a truly long term relationship.

this thread is so interesting. im kinda like your boyfriend& willard& lostinthesauce :/