Dating

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I just dated someone who seemed to be nice. She had some nice things to say the first 2 dates and even on the 3rd date. On the 3rd date, her body language indicated something different. Typically, I have a hard time to decipher body language but it was easy to tell that she didn't seem interested anymore. Now that she writes back to try to be friends.

Last edited by smartguy47 on 25 Aug 2010, 9:40 pm, edited 4 times in total.

How was her body language different from the first two times? Have you heard anything from her or tried to contact her since then?

Nope I have not tried to contact her. By custom, I think when someone says it's over, it's over! There is no gray unless both are interested in playing the dangerous games of actually continuing to be friends afterwards.

I don't have any hard feelings because we all need to make choices. I have just been taught that when you break up with someone, the most respectful thing to do is to NOT see each other.

Her body language was that she was much more withdrawn. She would look away much more. It turned out my reading of this body language was accurate, albeit maybe a lucky (or unlucky) guess.

Wait...so, she went on 3 dates with you, & things seemed to be going fine & then she broke up with you? If she's NT, it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants & you're lucky to have cut your losses early on before feelings got involved.

Agreed, 100%. When you are sure enough that it won't work out, it's best for both parties to discontinue the relationship even on a friendship level so that both people aren't hurt.

Three-date rule?

Maybe she was expecting you to be friskier than you were and she chilled out when you weren't?

I'm not sure how three dates and breaking up correlate. Dating is in no way exclusive unless otherwise indicated. though it is often presumed when the relationship becomes intimate. My guess is that you're now on her practice squad and she'll call you up if the starter is injured. (Football metaphor: she is holding him in reserve as a friend in case something else that appears better does not work out.)

I would suggest that if what you have to say about her after three dates is that "she seemed to be nice," you weren't really connecting with her in a substantive way. I think she realized that during the third date, that things were not progressing, and that is why she "changed."

I'm not talking about anything that can be ticked off on a list such as, "we touched" "we kissed" or anything tangible. Instead, it is the sense that you are really getting to know someone, moving beyond the obvious to feeling you share something special with this person; that you connect to them intellectually or emotionally better or in a different way than you would a friend.

If a relationship is going to go somewhere, that intangible emotional connection develops before the end of the 3rd date. If nothing has progressed by then, it is pretty easy to be sure it isn't going to.

If you had posted, "we had had some really interesting conversations, things I never felt comfortable sharing before, but with her it felt so natural and easy," then I would be surprised that she had ended it, and would suggest you definitely find out what happened, because you would have been developing something very real and worth fighting for.

But, "seemed nice." That is a person you aren't meant to be in a relationship with.

Sorry if I seem harsh. In the early years of my dating life I was totally happy with "seems nice." And always a little surprised when Mr. Nice didn't seem to want to continue sharing our nice time together. But, a few real relationships later, and I know that there is supposed to be a lot more to it.

Apparently, so does this girl you went out with.

Thanks for all your posts; they have been helpful. I am very glad to be out of that relationship, too. I think the amazing thing is that she is nice was something that I accepted as okay and didn't really understand. But I am still happy I went through it and tried my best to give it my all. We did talk for many hours together before dating and thereafter, but there really wasn't that connection (although I like to talk, I didn't have much to share). I thought we connected in a few areas, but it wasn't enough (our lifestyles were way too different). I am very much an urban dweller (who likes a lot of land) and she was a farm girl who liked the idea of the big city but not the noise or anything like that. I'm just glad I got out when I did. I do want someone who has a lot of goodwill, is moderately affectionate, and someone I feel safe with (can share things with them that I wouldn't share with other people - such as having a kid with Asperger's like myself). While people can sometimes figure out that I have AS or some-type of pragmatic disorder, I have mixed feelings about sharing my own disorder and especially that of my (future) child(ren).

I feel the only reason why she held out on dates one and two isn't because she wanted to make up her mind, but in October, she was going to be a brides-maid and wanted someone to emotionally support her in that role. I have a feeling that her disposition changed because she was no longer carrying on an act and that is why didn't reciprocate in the 3rd date even as much as the first two. In other words, I think mom and dad was like quit it with the charade and that was fine with me too. It's much better to end something early. I do feel like the first two dates, she was putting on an act instead of trying to make up her mind when I think back to how she was giving affection or her body language. Her body language was mixed as I think back (some receptive and some non-receptive) indicating she was trying to be manipulative. Body language is something that can be difficult to change and it can be a dead give-away from what you're truly saying. I never would have felt that way before this relationship, given more credence to the spoken word and its inflection than body language. And that is something that I never was able to learn before so in a way, it probably was one of the best things that happened to me.

I like someone I can connect with on an intellectual level. That changed too ironically and had it been a couple more dates, I probably would have had enough. Still, it was an interesting experience. About the conversations, I am usually pretty comfortable sharing things, but I get that certain private things are shared when you trust someone. I felt like I became a little bit better at nonverbal skills and listening so I really like that addition.

Lastly, harsh is good. There's nothing harsher than learning the hard way when all it would have taken is a harsh answer to a question. Still, I hope someone eventually finds my romantic side to be endearing and very considerate. Still, I added her to my blocked list on my cell phone and think it is much better that we stick to the plan of going our separate ways.

Forget her When they say they want to be friends is a polite way to say they don't want to go out with you anymore or worse: they want to keep you around to cushion the blows from other guys. It would be harder to take if you had sex. So, accept it, smile, like yourself, and get on with your life. BUT if she calls you after a bit of time, DO NOT GO TO HER...that's when a friendship becomes a dangerous game. What happens is this: She might get a bit lonely if there's nobody else and then will start to think that you were not such a bad guy and that maybe she shouldn't be so superficial or she might date a total basta88 and get hurt and then want you to come to her aid. All this game playing is VERY bad for YOU. Like a TRAP! The nicest thing she can do for you is introduce you to somebody really nice. Somebody just like you. Remember a friendship goes both ways...they scratch your back and you scratch theirs. It shouldn't be one-sided with the other person suffering from an eternal itch. It's better to just be cut loose with a person being polite and saying words like "We can be friends." Just words. Move on to new territory! You're free!! Most importantly...love yourself, if you can't, at least like yourself. She may seem cold but the ones that don't really want you but keep you sticking around are much, much colder.

I didn't see your previous post!! I'm very impressed by your very smart decision! You're alright!! !!

You are 100% right about the or worse part; that is definitely her. I have forgotten her knowing that is her true character.

Thanks for your tips. I think I have this covered (i.e. she's blocked on my phone). I agree with the fact of her being really cold, but that comes from immaturity.

BTW, thanks for your post. I have had days in the stock market that have been a lot worse than this break-up (i.e. October of 2008).

At that point I would try to gently ask whether she is interested in so-called "physical love". Probably she's not, but that's something worth of asking.

I do want to issue one word of caution about body language, although it probably doesn't apply in this situation. Just ... something you should know, so that you don't unwittingly discard a woman who really likes you because of issues that have nothing to do with you.

I know for a fact that I unintentionally gave my dates an overwhelming host of mixed signals when I was young and single. It wasn't because I was trying to act or be false or play a game; it was because I honestly had a huge struggle between my desires and my morals. I was raised to be a "good girl" and hold back on certain things, but boy oh boy did my body want something else. That created all sorts of problems that continued into the early attempts to just go with the intimacy, as well. As I aged and grew more secure in my choices and my relationships, it all slowly changed (thank God!), but stuff like that happens. If you meet a woman you really connect with but that one area is mixed up ... be patient. It can be fixed

OMG, should I really be saying this on a message board with current troll issues??? OK, I just hope you all can respect that I share in the most sincere attempt to help you all sort out your relationships with the goal of finding a wonderful one, and that no one is going to throw that back at me anywhere or laugh about it over at I2.

I suspect the same. If you're not on - you're out.

You can always try talking to the girl the next time and ask her what she expects. If she say something NT-ish like -"Duuh? Dont you know?" then just say -"No, i really honestly don't know" and explain why.

Either she'll turn into an idiot - or she'll say something like "you poor little thing" and you're in for an interesting evening.