"Alone Time"

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Still unsure about what's going on with him...he DID contact me yesterday to let me know that he read a book I just finished reading ("22 Things A Woman Must Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger's Syndrome"), & told me what applies to him & what doesn't...which is kind of a big deal, he doesn't really talk about it. So I'm glad he's at least doing some self-evaluation, I guess...but once he said what he wanted, the conversation was over, & I haven't heard from him at all yet today. I wonder if maybe now he's starting to think about what it actually means to move here to be with me (he's lived in the same place his whole life, but hates it there - it's never been an option in his mind for me to move there). I don't know, it sounds like maybe there's alot going on in his head that he won't talk to me about until he's worked things out for himself - pretty typical for him, it just doesn't usually take this long. Nothing he's directly said to me yet indicates that he no longer wants to be in the relationship though, so I guess I just have to wait.

OP, please do not trust that book: "22 Things A Woman Must Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger's Syndrome." Rudy Simone is not an accredited professional (e.g., psychologist, neuroscientist, medical doctor, etc.), and the stuff she writes are simplifications and generalizations that are often misleading and just plain false.

Some people with AS have a hard time leaving their families geographically; some Aspies don't. IMO, it's not necessarily the idea that he may have a problem making the move geographically that's the issue (if he's one of those Aspies who is unable to separate, you'll have to make your decisions based on that limitation) - it's that he needs to recognize that communicating his concerns is essential to the health of your relationship.

P.S. @OneStepBeyond, I cannot tell you how cute your avi photo is....that little lobster baby is adorable.

Oh, I definitely didn't take it as a professional opinion. I actually didn't even read it very carefully & was surprised that he took the time to read it. It was helpful for me that he DID read it just because he explained to me exactly what wasn't true for him, & expanded on things that are. So it gave me more insight into HIM personally, but I definitely wouldn't consider it authoritative in any way.

I don't think he will have a hard time leaving his family - he's only recently started to get close to his sister, & his relationship with his mom is just outright abusive (verbally, not physically). I think the fact that he's gotten closer to his sister makes him feel bad that she'll be left alone when he leaves, but he made up his mind long before he met me that he would be moving away from there...I just gave him someplace to go.

He's usually fine with communication...but when it comes to big decisions or things he feels might somehow hurt or upset me, he spends alot of time thinking about the situation or what he wants to say or how he wants to bring it up. Usually he overthinks it more than I do. I know that he cares about me alot, & he does consider me & my feelings as much as he knows how.

He got bored....

a whole year with no face-to-face contact .....he's human after all.

I know what you mean. I'm a NT girl dating a highly possible Aspie, and he wants a lot of alone time, and I mean not around me whatsoever. I am BPD and a bit high maintenance, too. I would have to basically become completely independent with no need of him at all, and probably not give a crap about him, either in order for the relationship to work. Mine would get the same way as yours - cruel (my mom would always say he had one hell of a meanstreak). It would be a lot worse if I interfered with his "me" time even minimally. Sometimes, it got physical. Mostly, though, I would hear a bunch of hateful things about how he doesn't love me, that I'm pathetic, that I have bad taste in men, and so on and so forth, all because I asked him where else I could put his 5000 socks because all his drawers are full while he was playing a game and getting his "refuel". It ain't fun but god I love him. From what I'm beginning to understand, I just have to give him alone time. Right now, I'm living with my mom so he can have whatever amount of time he needs to cool off and maybe want me back in his life again. I asked him why this keeps happening and he said that he gets a very intense urge to run away, and he thinks he needs to just be alone for the rest of his life or something. I'm pretty sure it is more that he just can't put up with me and my needs.

I suspect this is a very common problem for people with Asperger's, and not only the men. I'm female, but I have the same issue myself when in relationships. It can be very stressful from the aspie side of it, too; people get upset when you tell them that you don't want to be around them for a little while. You can go into a relationship saying very clearly, "There will be days when I just need to be alone. It's nothing personal, it's not a sign that there's something wrong, I just need some alone time. If this is a problem for you, it will not work between us," and the prospective partner may agree to it (and sincerely believe that they will be okay with it), but when the time comes, they are inevitably hurt and/or confused by it. It's one of the main reasons (maybe even the main reason) why I, personally, am wary of relationships and question whether or not I can ever succeed in them.

Also, in reference to that book he read and discussed with you: I do not think he would do that if he was trying to pull away from you. It sounds more like an effort to connect.