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Have you seen a photo? Maybe he's butt-ugly

How do I stop obsessing? I feel sick.

Thanks for the replies. It's a relief just to talk about it.
Unfortunately I've seen him and he's beautiful. Unlike the poetry. Which is eye-wateringly lame.

fantasy love is so amazing. your stomach aches, you can't sleep, you want to throw up just missing them, etc... but the TRUTH is far different. keep your brain grounded in reality- he's on another continent, you're married with kids and eventually, our perfect dream-lovers become same-old, same-old also. you don't even know him. it takes months or years to get to know a person well enough to know if they are a suitable partner. what you have is called "greener grass syndrome." sorry. use your brain, not your heart and you'll be okay. try giving more sexual/romantic attention on your husband. jump his bones and make him rock your world.

That's so true. Greener grass syndrome. That really helps, thanks.

Stop cheating or divorce your husband.

Kinda agree with Boo here. You may not be having physical relations with this other guy, but it does sound like you are emotionally cheating on your husband (some people don't see that as cheating, but whether you are of that view or not, I doubt your husband would be too happy to see the poetry you've written for this guy).

If you honestly want to stop torturing yourself and you are certain that you do not want to leave your partner or kids, then the only real option is to stop contacting your penpal completely,

You can explain things to him if you like, but then let it go. You'll get over it eventually and you might even find things get better with your own husband once you focus more on the relationship you already have (or not, but at least you'll have tried).

You haven't said how you feel about your partner. Do you love him? Like him, even? Is he a nice guy or a turd?
I'm thinking you probably wouldn't even be having feelings for someone else unless there were some serious problems in your current relationship. Maybe you should think about couples' therapy, unless it's already too late for that.

Oh, two more thoughts:
1. If your partner is abusive, PLEASE get yourself and your kids out of there.
2. People put fake photos of themselves on the net all the time. For all you know, the person you're crushing on is a sixty-year-old lesbian.

No, partner a good guy, penpal may well not be, me definitely being the s**t here, although I haven't physically done anything. Only defence is I haven't been able to help myself thinking about this guy, though maybe that's more because of what he represents than who he is or might be. There is definitely a gap between myself and my husband that makes marriage hard going. We're so different neurologically, never mind the man/woman thing that when someone suddenly appeared who seemed to be on the same wavelength and I was suddenly not lonely for a moment it messed with my head. I have stopped all contact. Just got to keep it up now.

You don't know what this new guy would be like in long-term. Right now he's courting you, putting his best foot forward. When we get comfortable and let ourselves BE, that's when the truth comes out.

Often the things someone DOES are just as important than things they DON'T do. For example, your husband doesn't have an alcohol or drug habit, he doesn't beat you, he doesn't flirt with other women in front of you, he doesn't abuse your children, he doesn't smoke... etc...

Try to remember why you liked your husband and not take him for granted, if you can.

These pangs of fantasy love are familiar to me, and they can burn out quite fast. If you do something rash, you may have nothing left afterwards.

option 1: stop cheating
option 2: divorce him.

Maybe I'm getting over my head in psychology here, but it kind of sounds like you just need someone to understand you and your aspie quirks. Have you tried discussing your AS situation with your husband? Or with other (preferably female) aspies, like those on wrongplanet for instance?

What you need to do is decide where your loyalties lie - it is possible to love more than one person but that usually leads to pain.

Do you love your husband?

You ned to cool off the internet "relationship" either by downgrading it to friends who don't talk all the time or simply stop talking to him.

You can't have both. I've learned that through the actions of others and its very important you sort this out. Being smacked in the face with reality after being lost in a fantasy is one of the hardest things we much cope with - with broken hearts the majority of the problem lies in not being able to have what you had back in your memories of being with the person - as its no longer real it becomes a fantasy.

I've had my heart broken 3 times. Its the worst feeling in the world. Don't do it to someone else.