How is rejection doing the other person a favor?

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I wear glasses but they only help for distance stuff & my vision is still very bad. I see better without em for up close stuff. I mostly wear em for work when I had jobs & I wear em to the movies but that's about it now. When I dress up; something about me looks really awkward/off/out of place. I'm NOT really interested in sex; I want companionship, affection, romance, friendship, & love

They won't. Don't even think this will work for another second. That only happens in fairytales. Please don't ever live by this, it will only let you get used and abused more than you already are.



so basically it's one sided, they use you as an outlet to vent their frustration? Just stop talking to them if they don't want to listen to your problems, or tell them straight "Why should I listen to your problems if you wont listen to mine?".

My answer (from personal experience): she might be saving you the trouble of being mis-matched.

OK flash back to me after HS graduation, I went to Europe as a reward for good HS grades, good college entrance exam and acceptance to one of the Universities of my choice, and just by chance ran into one of the women I went to HS with (actually a neighbor 3 houses down!) in Copenhage of all places. I confessed I'd always liked her but was too shy to ask her out (but now had the courage), to which she said : "PMPP, you'll never learn". I asked her to clairfy, but I got stony silence. This really infuriated me, I took it as a major dis to my character and manhood.

Then an even greater coincidence happened (still in Copenhagen): I and the tour group I was with went out to a nightclub and there SHE was, dancing with this tall scandi, bombed out of her mind, and you KNEW she could tell it pissed her off that I KNEW she'd be sleeping with him that night. Insult to injury.

Come to find out years later (this was during Viet Nam) that she had married a military officer, and I had been a conscientious objector. Can you see how that might have played out? She really saved me a lot of trouble, I had been putting her up on a pedestal that she was not worthy of being put on. Perhaps in the back of her mind she knew she wasn't good enough for me.

So sometimes it is great foresight, not a personal affront.

A relationship should be as much about the other person as it is about you.

You should ask "how do I make her feel?" as much as you ask "how does she make me feel?"

In other words, the benefits of a relationship should be mutual and there should be mutual compatibility.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone you like, but who does not like you and is putting on a show. You may be entirely happy but the other person is not. Their love for you is not real and the relationship is a lie, which most people would generally be upset to find out. Being they would be upset to find out this person they really liked was not into them, we must conclude that it was not fair to them because they were lead on and lied too.

Those who never are able to grasp that relationships need to be a mutual thing, and that it should be entirely about how they feel, usually have lifelong relationship troubles.

Perhaps I'm the odd one out in this, as I'm by no means NT, but if I do not give a person a chance it's because I'm not attracted to the person for one reason or another, and I do not warm up to people in such a manner. If I'm not initially attracted to the person, I will not become attracted to them.

When men plead with me to give them a chance in a relationship after I've declined, my suspicion that we are not compatible is confirmed because we do not see eye to eye on a very big thing in life.

Well perhaps the person knows a dealbreaker about you. Like, she could see you as a friend, but as a life partner fughettaboutit. Dealbreakers aren't always someone's 'fault'...it has more to do with less mutable things like opinions on certain subjects which would herald deep philosophical incompatibilities.

I think his biggest problem is the fact he feels "a chance" is a good enough foundation to start a relationship on.

Yes, attraction can grow. But usually its'a after you get to know the person THEN start dating.

You don't date someone with the possibility you will become attracted to them, it just does not happen.

I don't need to be initially attracted to someone to start liking them, but I would never date them UNTIL I was attracted to them.

more horatio alger
sometimes one's best just isn't good enough for anything or anybody- not ready for prime time or even off-broadway.

The best way I can explain it - if you're not into someone, trying to go through the motions is like pushing two positive magnets together. Its draining, tiring, you're perpetually repelled, and not only can you not be there as a partner for them - you'll likely start showing more and more behavior that you resent them entirely, mainly because racing upstream against your own chemistry is not only extremely tiring but you get that nasty feeling like your doing everything at that moment entirely wrong and that life will take it out on you for trying.

So, I think they're saying that they respect you and they'd rather get along with you, enjoy your company, etc. rather than both get ugly on you as well as break your heart in the process of trying to do something that they already know they can't.

I think part of the problem is you're trying to apply logic to women. Which is kind of like counting in colors. Probably best to just agree with whatever she says, apologize if you have to and move on.

Being a woman, who is actually quite logical, I find that comment illogical. He did not exhibit much in the way of a logical thought process. In a logical thought process one must consider action and reaction and reaction, and understand the reason. "If this, then this, because" type thing.

His was more a "I said, she replied, I don't know why" type deal.

Let me put in the missing components and we shall see why this girl may have acted this way.

Girl turns him down and feels bad because she doesn't want to hurt him, so apologizes.

The underlying implication here is that she is in an emotionally vulnerable state because she is a "nice girl". It is emotionally difficult for her to have to reject someone. She feels really bad.

Steve replied that that was ok. That's fine. But then he added that he gets told that (girls aren't interested) all of the time.

An NT interprets this as a "Woe is me" statement, used by a manipulative individual to guilt trip an emotionally vulnerable person to get what they (the manipulator) wants.

It is a passive aggressive act and most people see it for it's aggressiveness and respond negatively to it. They usually become quite upset because first, they know they are being manipulated, and second, it upsets them that the manipulator refuses to acknowledge their (the manipulatee) regard for the manipulator.

And this girl did get upset. She called Steven on his comment, telling him he was trying to manipulate her into feeling bad...or worse than she already did.

There was an argument. About what I don't know, and "nice girl" felt even worse after it and tried to rid herself of the negative vibes by apologizing and trying to be friends again BECAUSE she has an insecurity such that she doesn't like to make people feel bad. This is akin to a "nice guy"avoiding confrontation.

This is also why she accused Steve of being mad at her. She responded in a way that made her think Steve would be mad at her and she continued to worry, due to her insecurities, that Steve was mad at her even though he insisted this wasn't the case.

In other words, she feels worse about rejecting Steve than Steve did about being rejected.

This is going to be a problem for her in relationships. She is likely co-dependent, has trust issues, self confidence issues, and security issues. She is probably clingy in a relationship and might even have borderline personality disorder.

Steve, be glad she rejected you.

I agree with Chronos. The person who rejected you isn't compatible with you anyway, from where I sit. Hopefully you can still be friends, and if you want that I think you should apologize to her and never mention the issue again.

Also, if you think there's any hope of a relationship with somebody, NEVER tell her that women reject you all the time. Quite often she'll assume there's some reason they do, and interpret that as a red flag.

Bottom line: Pity is a lousy basis for a relationship. And, in any case, an extremely ineffective way to get into one.


Cheers,

TH

Sorry Chronos. I was kidding around with that last comment and didn't mean to offend you. I think you touched on something important though in your reply:

That's just it - she was reading into everything he says, expecting there to be a motive to it, and I really don't think there was one. Which is why I think he'd be better off just saying "ok" in this situation and let it go. Seems like the more he says while she's in that emotional state, the more she's going to read into things that aren't there.

Last edited by scubasteve on 06 Sep 2010, 5:59 am, edited 2 times in total.

I'm interested in where he meets all these women. Maybe they're a type.

Geeky girls often think they're too good for everyone.

In my experience, not exactly; rather, geeky girls tend to be scared of relationships. So do geeky guys, but they tend to express it differently.

But I think you're on to something, as it does sound like the women he hangs around with have personality traits that would tend to make them hard women to approach on a relationship basis.

(Nick: Consider the possibility that you are subconsciously aware of this on some level, and that you are limiting yourself to women you're unlikely to get into a relationship with, and strategies that are unlikely to attract women, as a way of protecting yourself emotionally. Subconscious fear of change is a VERY big deal.)


Cheers,

TH

Last edited by tomhead on 06 Sep 2010, 6:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

His name is Nick. Not Steve. Just FYI.