Blog post on the epidemic of forced celibacy in males

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Someone who asserts a "right" to access to women sexually is spewing misogyny.

Sorry.

Do you watch the pick up artist?
While I agree a change in appearence helps a person feel better about themselves; the feeling isn't permanent. Kind of like why people who get plastic surgery still feel bad about themselves if they haven't dealt with the underlying issues as to what has made them feel bad about themselves in the first place.

I say read up on nutrition and be physically active for your own personal benefits but don't do it to look a certain way or god forbid think you can create a new being out of yourself. You set yourself up for failure that way.

You have as much a right to sex as you do to a free candy bar. You gotta pay for it first!

I have many thoughts on this subject. I do feel sorry for the shooter, someone needed to give him some support, he was isolated and bewildered over a long period of time.
What disappoints me most is the reaction, the shooter is just vilified as a loner and madman because thats the easy option to avoid having to understand, nothing is learnt and things continue on the same.

He's villified because he shot a bunch of women. People who take their rage out on innocent people tend to loose their "victim" status.

I wonder if he would still be being hailed as a misunderstood hero if he had instead walked into a children's daycare and blew away a bunch of girls and female babies.

And what do we learn from this nut, exactly? That women should "put out" indiscriminately to avoid angering sad, lonely males who might kill women if not sexually appeased?

I understand that no man deserves sex (hell, nobody deserves anything when you think about it)... but what does that mean for people like me? Sure, I don't feel a "need" for sex the way Sodini did, but my need for love and affection is just as strong, if not stronger, than Sodini's need for sex. I'm worried that I would go overboard myself...

Well if we can't learn anything then it's going to happen again isn't it?
And it's happenning with sickening regularity in China, except in that case it's almost always children in kindies being stabbed.

It happens anyway. The prisons are full of violent offenders, many who come from "bad" backgrounds. Society has yet to come up with a solution to eliminate people's "bad" life experiences, or to prevent them from reacting to "bad" life experiences in a violent or destructive manner. Violent crime is an on-going social problem despite the myriad of attempts to study it.

In Georgie's case, his "bad" experience was that women wouldn't put out, which hints strongly of a narcissistic temperament. Not a whole lot "society" can do about it, and I'm certainly not about to offer my vagina in service to angry, self-entitled, narcissistic w*kers who think they have the right to murder on account of sexual frustration. Guess we're just going to have to take our chances, won't we?

Thats one point of view.
I can't be bothered reading his blog, but AFAI remember he was rejected constantly over twenty years. Perhaps he needed someone to teach him some self awareness to establish what his problem was. Hey maybe he had bad BO and appeared creepy?! Sometimes its hard to see what your doing wrong from the outside, its not easy to have that perspective.

But in the end look at his selfish point of view, the world has hurt him, lets hurt some of them on the way out. Thats what these postal guys seem to do. Condemning them in retrospect doesn't seem to do much of practical value (apart from we feel vindicated or something).

My interest in this topic is personal, as my little Autie can't speak and I really wonder what the future holds for him. I actually vainly hope he will have no interest in sex, that would be for the best but I can't see it.

just love him as best you can, and pray for him as often as possible.

few people are really interested in "understanding." the multitudes seem to have a perennial need to hate, to scapegoat somebody, anybody, for just about any reason at all, and if the scapegoat snaps and does something beyond the pale, even more convenient for the haters to spew even more hatred.
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just my 2-cents' worth, adjusted for inflation

I do auntblabby. I'm hopeful, I just want him to be happy like any parent

ummmm, the shooter 'scapegoated' a bunch of people in a gym...

i think that man is an interesting specimen in terms of studying his mental illness ONLY. i think trying to find 'reasons' puts the blame back onto the women who rejected him and found him unworthy.. and the rejected him for good reason, in retrospect...

he was evidently capable of psychotic behaviour. that monster would have found victims one way or the other, because the problem was internal, not external... it was just a matter of what incident would set him off. were he a slightly different man it could have been rejection from employers or from his parents that precipitated the psychotic break.

it really has nothing at all to do with the women.

@Auntblabby, I’m kinda surprised at you. George Sodini is a scapegoat who “snapped?” That sentiment really does a disservice to all the people out there (men, women, Aspie, NT) who work hard to form relationships – and who don’t victimize innocent people if those relationships don’t work.

Look, I can summarize George Sodini’s problem in one sentence: “No, you don’t understand – I want it the way I want it.”

He felt entitled to a relationship on his terms, with a woman who met his standards. Clearly, what he had to offer was not what was needed to get a woman of his standards on his terms. And how did he respond to years of confirmation that what he wanted was impossible to attain? Steadfast refusal to accept that there was any problem with his expectations. He chose to beat his head against the same wall, over and over. He chose to demand that the world meet his expectations – or else. He chose to make those unreasonable demands, and when his demands weren’t met, he vented his rage on innocent women who’s only transgression was taking an aerobics class at his health club the night he decided to vent his rage.

George Sodini had a decent job. He had the resources to get help. He could have gotten therapy, he could have gotten a life coach, he could have gotten a proper diagnosis/treatment for whatever was wrong with him. He could have entertained the idea that he might have some responsibility for his repeated failures with women. Or he could have not done any of those things, and simply lowered his standards. But he chose to do nothing. “No, you don’t understand, I want it the way I want it.”

What is frightening to me is that his sentiment is echoed by many, many people who post on this board. The only thing that changes is the list of what is wanted:

· I want a “hot” girl/guy
· I want a girl/guy from my social circle
· I want a girl/guy who is willing to accommodate all of my behaviors/issues
· I want a girl/guy who doesn’t expect me to compromise
· I want a girl/guy who will support me financially
· I want a girl/guy who doesn’t expect me to socialize with his/her friends
· I want a girl/guy to be my reason to live
· I want a girl/guy to provide my social life
· I want a girl/guy who doesn’t want me to change
· I want a girl/guy who will love my physical imperfections (particularly the ones that I could change)
· I want this guy/girl to love me the way I want to be loved. No other guy/girl will do.
· I want a girl/guy, but I don’t want to change my routine or do things outside my comfort zone in order to meet one.
· I won’t consider sleeping with a girl/guy who doesn’t truly want me, but I’m so sexually frustrated I’m about to go postal.

I know that stubbornly clinging to a concept can be very much part of ASD. I get that, and I have sympathy and compassion for people who don’t recognize that as a symptom. But it is a symptom of this particular disability, and it’s going to take real effort to deal with it – effort that has to come from you.

If there’s one concept I could successfully communicate about this subject, it’s this: if what you’re trying isn’t working, be willing to try something different. Be willing to put every concept you have about yourself and dating on the table when deciding what to change (if you’re willing to put everything on the table, odds are you’ll identify at least a few things you’re willing to do differently).

Here are some ugly truths about relationships:
- Compromise is required in every successful relationship
- The level of men/women you attract is the league you’re in. If you want to upgrade your league, you have to do the work: lose the weight, put on some muscle, get a makeover, work on your social skills, etc.
- If you can’t or won’t do the work to upgrade your league, pick a potential partner from the league you’re in. If there truly are no potential partners in your social orbit and you’re freaking out from lack of contact, give some thought to seeing a professional. (And if you decide to see a professional, try to see one where this type of professional service is legal. Always protect yourself, and spend the money for a GFE. With a GFE, you'll get the services you require - in a decent environment - and the odds are much less likely the service provider is being exploited.) They’re not substitutes for a relationship, but they serve a valuable purpose.
- Don’t expect your partner to solve your problems, provide you with a social life, validate your existence. Your problems are yours to solve – no one else can do it for you. Believe me, if loving someone was enough to make them well, there would be very, very few sick people around. Would you expect your partner’s love, dedication, patience, etc., to cure your cancer? Of course not. Please don’t expect your partner to cure your depression or your OCD or whatever you’re struggling with. Only you can do that – with the help of qualified professionals.
- Get out of your house, your routine, your comfort zone, your rut. These are the places/patterns that are not bringing you into contact with that special someone – so you’re going to have to try something new.
- Walk away from the dysfunctional relationship. Stop torturing yourself with why girl X or guy Y doesn’t love you, is cruel, treats you badly, etc. Get yourself a decent therapist (or even a decent book on relationships) and figure out what makes a person who mistreats you so badly attractive to you. And figure out how to change that part of your personality.
- Don’t expect unconditional love from a partner – it doesn’t exist. People kid themselves that it does, but there’s always a line a partner can cross that will kill your love/relationship: abusing your child; cheating; addiction; illegal activity; dangerous activity, etc. Unconditional love exists between parents and children, not partners. And even unconditional love doesn’t imply that all behavior is acceptable: as parents, we have to constantly teach children what behavior is appropriate and what isn’t.
- Realize that a relationship will require you to do things you just don’t want to do, or just don’t like doing. You will do those things because that is the nature of relationships: we all “give” in order to “get.” I’m not suggesting you do things that are illegal or immoral, but you are going to have to make small talk at your partner’s office Christmas party. You have to be prepared to stretch and compromise and sacrifice in order to make a relationship work. (IMO, the high divorce rate in the States is rooted in society’s refusal to accept that basic truth.)

So there it is: my advice for NTs and Aspies about how to make something happen romantically in your life. I think I do understand what led to George Sodini’s rage (although I don’t understand the mental illness that made mass murder seem a reasonable option to him). IMO, if George Sodini had read this post and taken it to heart, his life would have had a very different outcome. I hope that someone reading this post will take it to heart, and stop beating his/her own head against the same brick wall.

Many good points there hope... including a great deal I have to work on myself. But there's two things that just really irk me:

The problem with that is that outside of my comfort zone, i'm completely emotionally sealed off. I have to be, because the unknowns out there can and will easily take advantage of me

Okay, so perhaps completely unconditional love in the literal sense of the word can't exist like that... but it would still be nice to know that there's someone that i can still completely trust in any situation. Someone that won't just inexplicably up and leave without me doing anything. It's such a nice feeling with the two friends i have knowing that I don't have to check over my shoulder ever 5 minutes to see if they're still there. Now i'd like that, but in someone i can get physically close to... which is why i often say that i need a strong friendship to make a relationship work... In my last relationship, I felt no such security. She would keep constantly switching between wanting to break up and not being able to get enough of me. I tried to wait it out, but it just didnt work for me...

Thanks, Toad....how about expanding your comfort zone?




Well, there's a difference between trust and unconditional love. Trust can certainly exist within a relationship, as long as both partners are willing to do the work: being honest, being committed to open communication, respecting each other, etc. But most people seem to confuse "unconditional love" with the expectation that every behavior will be accepted, and accepted on a permanent basis. It's this idea that, "If you really loved me, you'd take all the BS I can dish out." Nope. If you really love someone, you don't dish out the BS. Partners have to work at maintaining their relationship on an on-going basis, because people change and grow on an on-going basis. It takes work to grow together - and that work is the foundation of the trust you're referring to.