Complicated situation

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The man I'm seeing/not seeing is an Aspi. We started seeing each other and had a very wonderful time together but, he when he told his ex about me, she had a fit and decided that she wanted him back. Now the poor man is torn between us both. He and the ex have a history together, but she has a few other issues that I'm worried about. They also have a child together for which she has put him through a very ugly custody case. He is easily convinced either way. I don't want to hurt him, but I love him and am willing to wait for him for a while, but he keeps going back and forth between the two of us. I try not to sway him or convince him, but I feel that he wants me to compete or fight for him, and I'm not sure how to feel about this.

Any suggestions?

Yes --

When I was the guy caught in a similar situation, what worked the best for my now wife was to let me go, completely break contact, instead of being clingy. Being clingy seems to have the opposite effect of what you intend -- it shows off your worst qualities and really is the equivalent to getting down in the mud with the person you are competing against. By refusing to play that game, she wallows in the mud and looks like a terrible person while you stay clean and have the moral high ground.

Here's the other thing -- are you comfortable fighting for this guy? Is this something that is a strong point with you? I would make the choice pretty clear to him, outline what her issues are vs. him being with you, and leave it at that. Tell him you want a week off -- at the end of the week, if he still wants to be with you, he needs to make a clean break with her, while still doing his parental obligations.

Since you asked, I would agree with Billsmithglendale that you should just leave him be, but not exactly for the same reasons.

It's not your job to hang around waiting for a guy who can't decide which girlfriend he wants (and right now since he has both of you fighting over him, I very much doubt he'll make his mind up quickly unless you place an ultimatum)

And if he can't decide between you and a horrible ex, well, that's a bit insulting and he's not being fair to you by humming and hawing over it; it's as if he thinks he can play the two of you indefinitely.

Have a little self-respect and tell him you're moving on. Tell him to give you a call if he finally makes up his mind that he wants you, but make it clear that you are not promising you'll still be single (in fact, tell him you're going back on the dating scene). That's not being manipulative; that's just looking after your own mental health and happiness). It can be a vicious cycle though so please if you do date, let the other guys know that you're not looking for anything serious (unless you are).

(by the way, though I would consider dropping him if I were you, this tactic will probably get him back; if you're the one he stands to lose, you're the one he'll chase after, especially if you start dating again (I call it 'kid-who-sees-another-kid-playing-with-his-discarded-toy-and-now-wants-it-back syndrome and it's basically what happened to his ex wife when she heard about you)

I'm sorry, but I suggest you learn what you can from this relationship and move on. I know you're sincere when you say you love this man, but I urge you to really consider that statement. When you're first crushing on someone, all you see are the good things, cause romantic love is truly intoxicating. But relationships progress, you know? You learn more about your partner as the relationship progresses, and if you want to be fair to yourself, you have to evaluate what you learn. I'm saying this because you've said that you love a man who is "easily convinced" to leave you - and you're still "willing to wait for him" and perhaps even to fight for him. Hon - he's willing to leave you....why would you invest more time in this relationship?

I hope you'll also consider his child, and what clearly seems to be his desire to make a family with his child and his child's mother. I understand he's probably told you all kinds of nasty things about her, but the reality is you really don't know what's gone on between them. And for the sake of argument, let's suppose all the nasty things he's told you are true: he still wants to go back to her. So he's either a glutton for punishment, or he's lying about how awful she is.

Finally, I hope you realize that if he's this indecisive at this point, he will remain indecisive - permanently. He seems to be doing just fine behaving as though he has no control over his life....ping ponging back and forth between the two of you. If you do manage to save your relationship with him, you will be signing up for a lifetime of war with his baby mama - and she's always going to be in the picture. And since he doesn't seem willing to draw a line, you and she will be slugging it out until the kid is 18, while he sits on the sideline shrugging his shoulders at all the fuss. So....do you want to win the battle, and lose the war? Is that what you deserve from a relationship?

Dosen't sound like he's the best idea for him to get back together with her. I personally think you should convince him of that.

Yes, this has, indeed, been my dilemma--deciding whether or not the fight is worth it. I'm not one to compete for such things, usually. Normally, I'm a pretty secure, stable person, but this situation has really got me wondering!

The issue I'm having the most trouble dealing with is his Asperger's. If he weren't an aspi I'd have been long gone. However, I have another friend (who's daughter is an aspi) who is trying to convince me that he is having trouble processing and filtering what is going on in his life. Because I'm still learning about it, I'm a bit apprehensive as yet and wondering if this is truly possible. I would love to live in complete denial, but reality tends to hit home pretty hard, so I'm playing it safe.

Its common for women to want men when they can't have them, or want an ex back when he finds someone else. He should man up and realise this, I think you should let him go.

If he goes back to her she will lose interest again when no-one else wants him. His lesson learned.

Aspie symptoms vary widely from Aspie to Aspie, so what may be true for your friend's daughter may have nothing to do with this man. Additionally, you have to remember that Asperger's is one component of the issues this man has. The kind of family he grew up in, the values he was taught, psychological problems (to name a few) - all factor into the kind of person he is. I have a friend who is very happily married to an Aspie. Her husband and the Aspie men I've been involved with are almost nothing alike. They may share a disability, but how that disability impacts each of them, how it affects the type of man each of them are - is incredibly unpredictable. When we compare notes, I often can't believe we're describing men who share the same disability.

So he may be having some difficulty processing what's going on in his life - and if that's the case, it's not going to change. He's always going to have difficulty processing what's going on in his life. He may be content to let the woman he's involved with take the lead in the relationship, because he doesn't understand what's appropriate and what isn't. I've known some Aspie men who are very adept at compartmentalizing their lives: when a situation or relationship or problem becomes too overwhelming or stressful or whatever, they choose to ignore it. (And they'll ignore it even when ignoring it causes dire consequences.) So if you're successful in "winning" him, it's very possible that he'll simply refuse to deal with his baby mama - and that will leave you to deal with her. It's even possible that his continued involvement with both of you is the result of him trying to break up with you, but being unsure about how to do that.

Clearly, everyone who's not this man can spend a lot of time speculating about what's going on with him, and what he wants to do with his life. But if he isn't motivated to figure out what's going on inside his head, and to resolve this situation (as in pick a partner and stick with her), there's really nothing anyone else can do. It's all up to him - and you need to decide if you can live with that.

At the moment I'm "trying" to step back and observe the situation objectively, which is extremely difficult since I'm stuck in the midst of it. I am only willing to wait for so long, but I know that at some point, if it continues, I will have to cut it off completely, which is sad, but, at the same time, is simply reality.

I appreciate all the good words from all of you. You are helping me to think this through and evaluate what I am willing to take and what I am not. Am I willing to wait for a while to see if this is just a phase? I don't know. Am I strong enough to take more without wondering if I am simply co-dependent? Hmmm, that's a good question. It isn't so simple as just calling the guy up and saying, "sayonara!" There's too much heart involved and its going to take a little patience and a little strength on my part. Still, there's a piece of me that hopes.

That says it all. Don't stick around just because he's an 'aspie'. Hell, in the next couple of years, 'aspergers' syndrome may not even officially exist and then he'll just be a weak-spined wimp.