errmmm. I dont like her

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I can see myself doing this very same thing...analyzing, pushing the timeline out to her wanting a house in the 'burbs with kids and SUVs and all that because it's the linear, systematic, sensible progression of romantic relationships. I can also see being so worried of hurting her feelings that I'd balk instantly if that's not what *I* ultimately wanted from *her,* rather than take a risk on getting "trapped" into a long-term relationship.

From the outside looking in at this situation, though -- and trying to intellectualize what a "normal" person might think or feel or do -- I think you have to consider the possibility that you're overanalyzing just a wee bit here. Maybe she's not thinking so far out... Maybe she's not nearly so worried about being hurt as you are about hurting her... Maybe you're assigning yourself too much responsibility for her emotional wellbeing... Maybe she just thinks you're hot stuff and wants you to take her out so she can determine if you're worth dating seriously...

In a way, your concern for her and your assumed lack-of-a-future together is thoughtful.

In another way, it's patently narcissistic.

Think about it like this: If she's someone from whom you cannot imagine sitting across a table at a restaurant, then you probably shouldn't go out with her. If, however, she's someone with whom you can't imagine building a life, but with whom you can imagine having dinner...ask her out to dinner and see where it goes.

Nekowafer, when I first said to go for it, I wasn't talking about using her for sex. I was telling the OP to actually date the girl, be it short-term or long-term. If he treats her well, takes her to romantic places, buys her gifts, gives her compliments, shows her affection, etc., how exactly is that going to hurt the girl's feelings? Quite the opposite, it could easily give her one of the best relationships she ever had. Over time, she'll grow on him, through the simple process of mutual attachment. In the meantime, he might have to "fake it 'til he makes it", but that's how all my relationships started out, and I have no regrets about any of them.

And honestly, how many aspie guys have good enough pick-up skills that they can pick and choose the girls they date? Not many, and the OP may not be one of them, either. So unless he's completely repulsed by that girl, it would be ridiculous to pass up a great opportunity.

Sometimes the only way to get things done is to be blunt, unfortunately.

It doesn't matter if he's nice to her. If he doesn't have feelings for her, it's incredibly unfair. Can you imagine being in a relationship, even if it's only a few weeks but especially if it's longer, and finding out that your bf/gf never liked you that way? That would be devastating. You can't play with people's emotions that way. Maybe you can learn to like someone over time but plenty of people can't. I don't care what the end result "should" be.. dating her when you don't like her that way is an awful thing to do. NT girls are generally more sensitive than they let on. And dating someone gives the impression that you like them. You are basically lying by doing something like that.

Ugh...the problem is you're still giving in and opening up under her efforts. I've had this happen in the past, perhaps didn't give in so far as flirting but - the fact that she has to work this hard is just stoking her fires that much more.

My best advice, if you can't keep a straight face just avoid her and try not to make eye contact or pay much attention when she's around. If she starts working too hard and you're in a group setting where its not quite as rude to get up and walk away - do it. You can give her the message without saying it, just that you have to move far enough to where she knows you're not just playing hard to get.

Last edited by techstepgenr8tion on 12 Oct 2010, 8:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

i agree, nekowafer. getting to know her better as a friend and seeing feelings develop makes sense. but it makes no sense at all to lead her on by dating her. using her to gain social skills or dating practice is misguided and mean.

I think Aspie1 and Metal_Man are looking at the logical side (I can use this to gain social skills and experience dating), rather than the more important, in this case, emotional side (if I make a girl think I like her and she finds out I don't, she will be badly hurt). You HAVE to consider other people's feelings. Even if it wouldn't hurt you, I can almost guarantee it would hurt her. If the OP wants to get to know her better, he can be good friends first. But it sounds to me like he has no interest in that.

Tell her the truth and stop thinking with the other head.

I don't think you're following what I'm saying. First of all, if a girl is my girlfriend, then she, by definition, has to like me, because if she didn't, she'd never do what a girlfriend does, like hugging, cuddling, kissing, sex, etc, and so, she wouldn't be my girlfriend in the first place. (I hope the previous sentence wasn't hard to follow.) Similarly, if he's dating the girl and doing what a good boyfriend does, like romance, gifts, compliments, etc., then she gets everything she might expect from a relationship. Basically, he's getting the "girlfriend things" from her, and she's getting the "boyfriend things" from him. And feelings? So what! You can't let some feelings stop you from what might be a great life experience. Just be the best boyfriend she can find, which easier than you think.

The one situation where I would be devastated is when spent a month trying to set a date with a girl, took her to a romantic place, talked to her about her favorite topics, and bought her a meal she enjoys, and at the end, she didn't give me as much as a hug. So, I do my part in dating, but she doesn't do hers. In that case, I would stop seeing and the girl and talking to her, because it would be clear to me that she doesn't like me.

If I were the OP, I'd man up, date the girl, and commit to her. I'd be the best boyfriend she can find, with or without feelings for her. My first and foremost requirement for a girlfriend is that she has to be attracted to me. After all, girls don't have the ability to date people they're not attracted to, but I do, like a lot of guys. So personally, I always take advantage of that ability, and date any girl who shows interest in me. Because the next opportunity could come ten years later, and I refuse to wait that long.

I did all that with my last and only girlfriend who turned out to be be a little psycho which was my initial impression of her anyways. I get a similar impression from this girl. Im still a bit messed up from that relationship which was over 5 years ago now and have no desire to repeat. I manned up and committed to that girl and did what I thought a boyfriend should do. Which was what she told me a boyfriend should do. Which included not hanging out with my friends and never ever ever talking to another girl ever. I should have gotten out of that relationship but I was commited. I dont want another girl that needs me to hold her hand everytime we go to walmart and be all over me in front of my friends and family

How do you date someone you're not attracted to? My skin crawls at the thought of it. I dont mind waiting 10 years for something worth while. My perfectionism and attention to detail could easily be applied to anything sexual so im not too concerned about inexperience and I got a resume to show to any girl who may be concerned about my ability to pick up on a new technique. I dont know if that will work but it sounds good to me.

Aspie1, I completely understand what you're trying to say. And I think it's an awful thing to do to someone. My opinion of it will not change no matter how you explain it - I see where you're coming from, and I see your point. That doesn't mean it's right. And it's absolutely NOT socially acceptable.

Maybe you can be unemotional about these things. If that works for you, great. It doesn't work for, I would think, most other people. When I'm dating someone, I expect him to have feelings for me. These feelings can vary - I don't expect him to love me for even the first year or so. But I want him to like me if he's going to date me. It's what a boyfriend does. I am much more concerned with feelings than I am actions. Don't get me wrong, actions are important too, and I want my boyfriend to be nice to me and spend time with me. But if there are no feelings behind it, it's pointless to me, and to most women.

It is much more devastating to a woman to find out that someone they're dating doesn't have feelings for them than to not get a hug at the end of a date. We are emotional creatures, in general.

franisco: I can assure you that most boyfriends are not expected to do things like that. When I trusted my boyfriend more (he cheated on me, but that's not the point here), he could hang out with whoever he wanted. He could spend time with female friends if he wanted. I wasn't worried about him cheating at the time because I trusted him. It sounds like you just need a more mature woman to date. And it seems to me like this girl is not it. If you wanted "no strings attached" sex you could probably get it. But that can get you in trouble if the girl isn't mature enough. Just politely let her know that you're not interested in her that way, and she should stop bothering you. If she doesn't, then you need to stop talking to her completely.

Have you thought about telling exactly that: I think you're attractive but have some reservations. It may open up a converation to allow you to understand where she's coming from also. She may not realize she's making you feel that uncomfortable.

I would not advise you to date her for the sake of dating her. It would not be fair to either one of you. However, I have to wonder how much of this is really about you rather than her. If she really likes you, naturally she would come on strongly. What you see as being predatory she may see as being assertive and simply letting you know how she feels.

I would tell you to trust your gut on this one, but I would make sure it was your gut that you were trusting and not your baggage disguised as your gut.

I hope this is a little bit helpful.

I read your first post about being honest with her. You weren't. Sure she asked if she was sexy and you said yes. Your cop out. Then she went for the sex ... and sure you are a guy so you responded. But you have NOT told her what you have said here:

I DO NOT LIKE HER.

You are lying to her right now iy NOT telling her you may be sexually attracted to her but you just don't like her as the woman you want to date.

Come on, stop p**** footing around, be honest with a touch of sensitivity (that means don't say, I like your body but not you) and give the girl a chance to find someone who really appreciates her for who she is ...

Simply sit her down, hold her hands and say "I do think you are a wonderful gorgeous sexy woman but I am simply not thinking of you any more than a friend. I respect you too much to play games with this any further. "

If she cries then hold her and let her cry. IF she needs to vent , let her vent (so she doesn't rag on your car) and then she should be able to move on.

She will have some reaction because you did lead her on with the flirting. If you had sex do be aware she is going to be very upset. "I was wrong to lead you on ..." is a good way to start that appology.

Good luck