Aspie men and (lack of) relationships - our struggles

Post Reply New Topic

this study showed that in societies with disparate wealth distribution and polygyny, men don't live as long as women. that has very little to do with the struggles of modern men in modern society, except vestigially. the conclusion states that in monogamous, egalitarian societies these conditions are no longer creating large problems.

you gave two links to the same study, by the way. nice work. citing it twice doesn't make it twice as useful.

anyway, these studies do prove something very important - that men are living longer in modern times because society has improved in terms of equal distribution of wealth and sexual partners. basically, men can live longer if they stick to monogamy and socialism.

but you can go cry alone in your cave.

true, probably. i like when guys are self-reflective and honest about their feelings.

It sounds like your talking about American society.

I'm a prime example of a struggling Aspie in the relationship game. Its hard to see couples or people that I that are married. I often wonder when my chance will come. But I believe its too late now for me, I am damaged goods. With no experience whatsoever, I would definately be a candidate for possessiveness and making sure I know where she is at all times to make sure she cheating on me.

yeah, in american society things are improving. but not as much as swedish or icelandic society, for instance, where wealth is more spread out amongst all of the people. in iceland the gap between men's and women's life expectancies is lowest in the world, i think.

maybe they do, but you need to be open to them. they will only meet you halfway.

anyways, sorry. i'm taking up too much of your thread.

I found it has not always been so easy to be open about such things but I am working on it.

I have had some negative experiences in the school years when I have shown an interest in someone, not just from rejection(which I rarely got to that point in the first place) but to disapproval from other friends as to as why I would like someone. I suppose it got ingrained into me to keep such things to myself and that's kind of the way it stayed with me for a long while. Certainly didn't help me get me out there and meet others and just gave me another reason to be hesitant in approaching women.
I've learned to be a bit open over the past 6 or so years but I still have that hesitancy... I still have this idea that there is something a bit wrong about showing sexual interest in a girl, fear of being judged as as some creep or so. Still slowly getting over that.

My lack of relationship experience truly depresses me. I feel so far behind everyone else my age that I have no hope of ever catching up to the standards that are expected of someone my age. Why should any woman ever consider me for a relationship? They have no reason to. There are far better guys they can easily find. That is the sad truth.

personally, i appreciate that you are doing this because it helps me to see better where you are coming from, so i can crack my brain open and be more understanding.

well, i know this will sound hollow, but there must be one or more women out there that you are just about perfect for. for that woman (or those women), no other man will be as good as you. because, well, you are YOU.

i wish that there were enough aspies out there that we could form our own culture with its own rules and guidelines and benchmarks. we can't help but compare ourselves to NTs (or very high-functioning aspies), and we feel as though we come up short. it really isn't fair to do that to ourselves because we are different, but i honestly don't know how that can be changed.

what i mean is that, in comparison to other aspies, maybe losing virginity at age 35 (random example), is more of a norm. or maybe never marrying is more normal. or maybe it's normal to never want to have to date.

it would be great if we could explain our differences like other people explain their culture or religion...

i.e. "oh, i don't eat pork because i'm jewish" could be socially equivalent to "oh, i never bring a date to the christmas party because i'm an aspie". and people could nod knowingly and accept us.

i just wish we could stop judging ourselves or experiencing judgment in the outside world. but i don't have a solution.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 05 Nov 2010, 6:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Being married to a partner that doesn't share my Asperger diagnosis is - and has been - very hard.

I'm not sure we'll last in the long-run to be honest, but yet I still try. If I would have known I had AS before I started and forced a relationship into working, I would have held out for another Aspie. My wife and I are like the moon and her sister, the son. We are both radiant and glowing in our natural elements, but together - we dim into a perpetual sunset, suspended eternally in what feels like a state of transition.

I wish I could know it... otherwise im blindly stumbling about trying to make a move, and that just can't end well unless a woman just outright tells me she at least finds me attractive. I'm just too socially blind to make moves like that unaided. Just as a conventionally blind person wouldn't just cross the street without some form of information as to whether there were cars on the road at that moment, I feel trapped on the sidewalk, cut off from my destination.


Don't worry about it... as long as you aren't hating on anybody, you're more than welcome in the thread. It's actually nice to know that someone finds me "a little sexy"... Now if only you weren't almost twice as old as me... (and aren't you spoken for too?)

yes, spoken for. but i can't be the only woman out there that appreciates men who open themselves up, though!

meh....my feeling exactly.

I hope this helps, but I think the key to finding someone to share a relationship with - is within ourselves. Once you find that really awesome, unique, and great thing about yourselves worth sharing - it will become much easier to convince somebody else to buy into the idea that is: you.

"Love is blind" - we've all heard this phrase at some stage or another.

There's nothing logical about what attracts one person to another - no nicely defined little set of criteria that makes someone attractive or unattractive.

What one person likes, another doesn't. There's no clear-cut good or bad, which sucks for us but that's the reality. One example is the "ask before I kiss you" thing that was brought up either here or somewhere else, which might be sweet to one person but will kill the mood for the other person. Each person is different. Don't loose hope because you don't fit in with one crowd.



This is true. Also, I think that it's safe to say that poor self-esteem is never good for relationships. It leads to people being 'clingy' and if it all falls apart then it makes it that much harder to move on.

All you can do is stay true to who you are. Eventually you'll meet someone who matches you.

This is a refreshingly different thread.

For me, identifying my own feelings isn't always easy. After a crush which lasted the best part of two years I was fed up from getting rejected time after time, and vowed to squash any emotional hints of new crushes which started to spring up inside me. I have never had a date or a relationship, and so I don't have an emotional reference point for what love is supposed to feel like, only an academic appreciation. The combination has means I no longer know if the attraction I feel towards a girl is love, crush, or what, and there are many times when I question whether I'm actually feeling something at all. This isn't to say that I don't feel anything, just that there is a sense in which my brain won't admit it. This is irritating because I'm not going to ask someone out unless I'm dead certain I like them.

Last edited by CrinklyCrustacean on 06 Nov 2010, 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The only thing I have to give is a lot of love, affection, and loyalty... and nobody wants it, apparently.