Estranged wife may have Aspergers but denys it.

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Somehow, I'm not surprised by how quickly people jumped to conclusions about L without first hearing her side of the story.



Listen to what she has to say. And do it with an open mind. You seem to have made up mind that she's definitely "ill" and needs help. It wouldn't hurt to consider the possibility that you might need just as much help--although not necessarily on the same issue(s).

My 9 year old daughter sat quietly in the back of the car a couple of weeks ago and when I asked her why she was so quiet she burst into tears and said that mummy doesnt want to spend time with them. My 11 year old son who has AS, then said "please dont like mummy anymore."

Heartbreaking.

She is a good mother, but just not a very good friend or wife. L has one friend, but even this woman has commented that she has to watch what she says around L.

Hi all,

I will try to keep this as brief as I can.

L and I knew each other since we were kids, and even though we couldnt stand to be around each other somehow in our late teens we ended up going out. At the time I didnt notice that I was the one paying for everything when we would go bowling or for dinner, etc, but figured thats what the guy did. A lot of my friends werent too keen on her because (again I didnt notice) they felt that she would make a lot of mean comments about me if anyone said anything nice about me.

Anyway, we got married a few years later and seemed happy enough, although at times it seemed a struggle for her to get out of bed and her moods could be up and down quite quickly. After a couple of years of marriage L had 2 miscarriages. All the attention and affection was put on her (as it should be) but she never asked how I was, which I thought strange. Eventually we had a beautiful baby boy (who has since been diagnosed with AS), and our world changed............

I couldnt do anything for him. I wasnt allowed to change him, feed him, take him out in his pram.................her world was him, and only him. I felt shut out but thought this was a faze that mothers go through for a couple of months. It continued on until out baby girl was born 2 years later. When this happened she said that her life was now complete and that she had everything she ever wanted. A boy and a girl, and a lovely house. No mention of me.

About this time things got worse. L never bought me an anniversary or birthday card, and would never come home with so much as a bar of chocolate for me if she was out. But one day she walked into the living room and said "I dont love you." and walked into the kitchen. But to this day, doesnt remember saying it. A year later I was attacked by a junkie in work and had my face cut. As L had the car I had to call her to come and take me to the hospital. Her reaction to hearing what happened still haunts me........"typical, I've only just sat down to a cup of tea.". Oh and she had her cup of tea before she came and took me for treatment.

She would say hurtful things and not understand why people took offence. Mostly her hurtful comments were reserved for me. No matter what I did, there would always be a criticism. L still does it to this day. And has always struggled with "please, thank you, and I love you." Its as if its not in her vocabulary.

We moved house but things didnt change. It still felt like I was living a family that wasnt mine as L protected her brood from everyone including me.

Eventually I did a stupid thing and met another woman, and left L. It was wrong and I offer up no excuses.

L decided to terrorise my gf for a couple of weeks and that I was NEVER going to see our children again. After many lawyer hours and court appearances and neither myself or my family being allowed by her to see the kids for over 15 months, the court ordered her to let me see them. She had warned her own parents not to get involved or they wouldnt see the kids either.

6 years on and I am now single (gf had enough of me bouncing between being with her and trying to see the kids and keeping L placated) and L and I are going to counselling to help us be better parents although we are separated.

The problem now is the internet. L is obsessed with a dating site and in the past few months has slept with about a dozen guys (usually first or second date) and sometimes meeting them in car parks and only knows their first names (yes, its her life but it is consuming it). When she gets up in the morning she is on it, in the afternoon after work, basically most of the day, 7 days a week. And the children are suffering because of it.

She has spent hardly any quality time with the kids in the past few months and seems more intent on farming them out to people so she can have "fun". Or as she puts it herself "I didnt get to do this when I was 16 so this is me knowing just catching up on every other teenage girl around boys."

The main problem is that despite 15 counselling sessions (in which she talked about me for only 10 mins) she cannot actually admit to herself that she is lying to everyone, or only telling them the parts of the story she wants them to hear. (eg. L told her counsellor that I called her a stupid idiot one day, but didnt mention that when I had come home from work that day she had ripped out a whole fireplace in the livingroom and it was lying in the middle of the floor, with half the wall beside it!! !!)

As I say we are now going to parenting counselling but I know just by looking at her that she isnt going to change the way she is. She knows she has issues and problems but doesnt want to deal with them. Although she will say she is working on them, but wont tell anyone how exactly.

What she does with her personal life is her business, but she doesnt see how it effects others (eg. last friday the kids and I saw the window cleaner sneaking out of the back door when I was dropping them off at a time she knew I would be doing so.)

Her sister is now too scared to get involved as L has told her she wont let our kids play with her kids is she does. Her whole family avoid what is going on just so as not to upset her.

I want us all to get along and for L and I to be the best parents we can be, but its difficult when she wont let me be that unless its on her terms.

I've tried trying to drum home to her what is going on around her, and the kids are unhappy, but she just clams up and shutsdown.

I feel as if I am the only one that wants to try and help her, because everyone else is too scared to "rock the boat".

Any advise on how to deal with and cope with someone that is self destructing in her own world and doesnt care about the consequences to other people?


Many other things have happened, such as her brother's suicide last year (her parents told her he had a heart attack), but I think I've written enough to bore you all.

If you got this far then thank you.

Any advise would be great.

Thank you for all your replies.

A couple of years ago L suggested that I should get tested as she had heared it could be hereditary. I did, and dont have aspergers. I asked her to do the same, but to date this has not happened.

I was like many men in love with their gf/wife and bought her gifts, flowers, cards, etc on a regular basis, because I loved her and would think about her a lot. I would send wee texts or emails just to tell her I loved her. The only time she would contact me when I was at work was, for example, to leave (and I am not exaggerating) 10 missed calls and 10 texts whilst I was in a meeting, because she couldnt find a specific dvd she was looking for.

You are correct that there are always 2 sides to every story, and you only have my word that what I have said is true, but I dont see the point in lying if I am genuinely looking for advise and help.

My life doesnt revolve around what she does but when my children start to tell me what is going on then that is a different matter. My 9 year old daughter sat quietly in the back of the car a couple of weeks ago and when I asked her why she was so quiet she burst into tears and said that mummy doesnt want to spend time with them. My 11 year old son who has AS, then said "please dont like mummy anymore."

Heartbreaking.

She is a good mother, but just not a very good friend or wife. L has one friend, but even this woman has commented that she has to watch what she says around L.

Eventually I did a stupid thing and met another woman, and left L. It was wrong and I offer up no excuses.

Oh god I hope she doesn't have AS. She sounds selfish and uncaring. I ask my husband if he is alright when I see him in pain and I get him something for his birthday or Christmas even though I hate Christmas shopping, I would never shut him out from being a dad when our kid comes. And lying and not telling the whole story, sounds like painting a picture which I think is a form of manipulation. She does sound like one anyway. I always hated women like that who shut their ex's out of their lives from their kids and her parenting sounds awful.

This sounds like something I would read on AS Partners. That horrible place about AS written by people who have abusive partners or selfish lazy ones but believe they have AS. But some of them do genuinely have it and it's their none AS partners who are inconsiderate and needy so no matter what their aspie does for them is never good enough.

I think you should try and get custody over the kids.

Thanks for the reply League Girl.

I'm by no means a saint and have my faults, but the list of things that are "odd" is staggering at times. It's as if she gets something into her head and has to follow it through no matter what.

A friend once said about L, "if she was driving a car down a narrow street full of parked cars and you said she couldnt go any further, she would keep going even if it meant hitting every parked car on the way, just to prove you wrong."