overshadowed by another man

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So this gal ive been intrested in. She has all of these huge problems with her ex.
Like...court and stuff.

But in any case, we get really mixed signals from each other. however, I have decided not to act on it until she is less stress and can move on.

however, i think she may have found another. He is a far more handsome man than I, about a foot shorter, and I guess they have been talking a lot more.

Im beggining to feel replaced. Her and I used to talk so much...but now...its mostly directed towards him.

Am I just being selfish, or is it possible I didnt act quick enough...or....what?

How painful.

I don't see how you're being selfish, can you explain?

Maybe your perception that you should wait until she's done with her court issues is "wrong". That is not to say that it's always wrong. In situations like this, right and wrong are defined mutually by the two parties involved. Perhaps what you interpreted to be mixed signals was her trying to indicate to you she was interested and you not realizing that caused her to back off...

Or maybe not. Who knows.

Honestly, you're probably just not right for eachother. When you find yourself losing a "race" for a girl, you should probably throw in the towel. Unlike other things in life, effort doesn't translate directly to success in wooing a girl, meaning that you could try really hard, and he could barely try, and if she likes him better than you or is a better fit with him, you're not going to get her.

So this is what I'm hearing. My advice -- instead of waiting on her, have her wait on you. Distance yourself, stop trying so hard, and find some other women to work on. If anything will save this, cooling things down might be a "hail mary" pass for this situation by making her miss you.

But don't get your hopes up -- I think you are perceiving correctly that she went somewhere else. Let it run its course, and if she's still interesting to you after they have their relationship, go for it.

If it makes you feel any better -- during my desperate period, there was a girl, with a BF, who used to flirt with me a lot, for months. Finally, she breaks up with her BF, but in the interrim, she had gotten a lot more friendly with another guy in the class, who was like a shorter, dumber (as I will explain) version of me. Eventually she and he end up in a relationship, and I'm left out, lonely. Turns out it was for the best -- he turned out to be an idiot (just not focused on school or getting ahead at all), and she dumped him only a month or two later, then started up with another mutual acquaintance of mine, who I did like and had nothing against.

After all of that, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole, even when she tried to get friendly with me again. I refuse to be the second choice (or third choice) -- you can never trust that person to not dump you when they find something "better." Also, I realized how desperate I was, and how this girl really wasn't suited to my tastes (her body wasn't great, and she was an attention wh*re). I moved on to much bigger and better things, and never regretted it.

Btw, the idiot she chose over me? I saw him a few years ago (like 8-10 years after the class we all had) -- he was working at a Kinkos! Great career there, buddy, and great judgment by her In the meantime I've been steadily advancing in my entertainment/advertising career, got a MBA, a house, and now a baby.

I think a few years from now, if you work on improving yourself and not chasing people who let you down, you will get similar moments of satisfaction and vindication. Good luck!

The problem is that you come across as a nice guy where as the other guy is obviously and @$$hole (see your reference to "huge problems with her ex" and "court". In this battle, you will always lose as women seem to prefer @$$ holes who treat them like $#!+ over men who treat them with respect and decency. I have never understood this one either but that is how it works.

That may actually be the single worst piece of relationship advice I've ever read.

Let's look at the situation again:



Ok, so he's interested in a girl who's going through bad times with an ex. Instead of acting on his interest, **HE** decides, on her behalf and without her knowledge, that she probably needs more time so she can move on and be ready to date again. In the meantime, while the OP was giving her the space she didn't ask for, another guy makes a move and the girl responds positively.

Clearly, the problem here is that the OP misjudged the girl's readiness to move forward.

Ok, so does that mean he should just "throw in the towel" and let the other guy have her? Uhhh, NO. What it means is that he needs to make his move -- like, right now!


OP...if you're talking to her again and she brings him up -- or if you bring him up in a PLAYFULLY jealous way (as opposed to scary, stalkerish jealous) -- you might say something like "So, I guess I missed my chance, huh?" That'll let her know that you were interested..

Tell her you really fought the urge to ask her out, because you really like her, but you thought she probably needed space or whatever.. Ooooh... ...actually, tell her you really like her and that you really wanted to ask her out, but that you were more concerned with making sure *she's* OK than anything else, and that you didn't feel like it would be fair to complicate her life any more than it was by asking her out. That makes *you* look caring and -- if you're good -- it should suffice to plant the seed in her mind that the other guy might be a DICK.

GO. NOW. You've got a call to make, bro!

You might be the biggest idiot I've ever seen respond to one of my posts, and that's saying something.

Your age again? (34 here)

And you've been in how many relationships? (multiple for me, good and bad)

And you've been married how long? (12 years here)

Deride my posts, expect to get slammed. I don't know who the F you are, but don't ever insult me like that again. I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts I know far more about the topic than you do, and hey, guess what, that pathetic hail mary pass you want him to make? It's not going to help, it's going to make him look desperate and kill any chance he had with her, which isn't much, since clearly she's already interested in someone else more.

Go F yourself.

The more I think about your post, the more laughable it becomes.

So let me get this straight -- even though the OP already knows that this girl likes a guy who is more handsome than him, and who she gets along better, somehow him pouring his heart out to her is going to make her change her mind because he was in line first?

LOL!

Sorry idiot, love doesn't work that way. A woman or man will pick the person they like the best, even if that means dumping the person they are with.

She likes the other guy -- why should he waste his time and effort chasing a lost opportunity?

Last edited by billsmithglendale on 10 Nov 2010, 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hey, bill. arent you that guy who cheated on his wife? I think we went through this before. Good that you give advice, bad that you forgot about our little tussle. You know, the one where you openly admitted that you are overwieght. 6 ft 2 in and 230 is overweight man. very.

so, I gotta say, cmjust0 really helped. And all you are doing bill, is digging your own grave...again.

Thanks cm. I know what my problem was. if he gets brought up, ill bring that up.
Thanks guys!
Ill act on it today

leave cmjust0 alone bill. in fact, just leave this thread. Your advice isnt helping, it is chauvanistic and discusting. remove yourself.

I know, I remember you quite clearly, the 19 year old who thought he knew everything. Clearly, by your post, you knew nothing -- that's why you asked for help!

Have fun taking the other dude's advice -- I'm sure it will go well. Be sure to come back here and tell the WHOLE TRUTH about what happened, if you have the guts.

Btw, 6'2", 210, which is what I am now, is a normal height for a full-grown man, not a child like you. Check the stats on NFL players playing Linebacker and Strong Safety -- all are easily more heavy than I am, and I wouldn't call them overweight.

Enjoy your hand tonight and in future weeks -- I'll go back to my life and not worry about losers like you and CM.

give me one good reason why i should listen to cheating scum like you.

Lol, because I get girls, duh!

...and you don't So I have what you don't, and sometimes I have 2 chicks going at once. Is this hard to fathom?

But hey, keep up the bad work.

And I'm pretty sure I'm a better human being than you are.

If only i had a black heart like yours. The ability to cheat on my wife, with woman after woman.
see you in hell bro.

Well, you were trying to cheat on your hand, so....

And you asked for it. In that other post, acting like you knew something, insulting me, when in fact you were as lost as the other 90% of this forum who asks for advice.

So, you pretty much asked for it. I did try to put that behind me and give you some good advice here, but like they say, you can lead a horse to water....

...but you can't take the idiot out of the idiot.