Aspie men and (lack of) relationships - our struggles

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hyperlexian
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08 Nov 2010, 9:21 am

(sorry guys, i'm not good at ignoring trolls yet. i'm still an forum n00b in some ways)

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Tim_Tex
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08 Nov 2010, 10:34 am

My struggles of late have involved people shooting me down based on things they *assumed* about me that, in truth, are the exact opposite of what they assumed.

Also the fact that I am a Christian who votes Republican, but have interests that are mainly synonymous with hippies/hipsters, is an issue.

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ToadOfSteel
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10 Nov 2010, 8:55 am

I've had confused feelings as of late... Whenever I see friends, whether in real life or on the internet, get into relationships, i feel happy for them, yet resentful that they can get what I've sought most of my adult life. For example, seeing ladies like emlion and erisad talk about their relationships here, part of me wants to offer whatever help I can to help them along, but I keep wondering when my special someone will show up.

nick007
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10 Nov 2010, 10:15 am

I cant think of any advice to off you rite now Toad but I think I feel kind of the same way you do. I think it's natural to be happy for others while feeling a little jealous & maybe even resentful that things can improve for them & not you.

nthach
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10 Nov 2010, 7:12 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

part of me wants to offer whatever help I can to help them along, but I keep wondering when my special someone will show up.

I've been thinking this as well - and it's tempting to give up but I believe eventually both you and me will find our companions. It's all about getting out of our comfort zones and learning how to talk to women and finding out what makes them go and what makes them tick. As well as several other things. I've got a mental map already planned. I just now need to bring those plans into goals, and goals into fruition.

Hang in there man.

ToadOfSteel
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10 Nov 2010, 10:51 pm

nthach wrote:

ToadOfSteel wrote:

part of me wants to offer whatever help I can to help them along, but I keep wondering when my special someone will show up.

Don't worry about me... i might not be up to code as a human being, but i'm still ticking, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm just too stubborn to give up, even in what is, realistically, a hopeless situation.

katzefrau
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10 Nov 2010, 11:56 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

nthach wrote:

ToadOfSteel wrote:

part of me wants to offer whatever help I can to help them along, but I keep wondering when my special someone will show up.

eh .. what's "up to code" for one person is not the same as for another. everyone has their flaws, and whatever they are, to someone they are overlookable (or even endearing)

instead of thinking you are stubborn, try the idea you're resilient / persistent. you both seem to have a good attitude, and that's the most beneficial thing.

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nick007
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11 Nov 2010, 12:25 am

I think that some of my problems finding someone are because I'm focusing way to much on how others get partners. I've made lots of post asking for advice/tips & I spent lots of time noticing how other guys get women but that has clearly not been working for me. The one relationship I had I got in without trying or even looking for one. I was extremely frustrated about some stuff in life & was making rant post complaining about it & she responded & she had some similar things & we really clicked & connected. Most all of the relationship advice I get & hear would tell me never to do that. My experience contradicts the advice most people give. I'm NOT a normal so maybe typical relationship advice is not working for me because I'm not a typical person. What works for NT guys may not work for Aspie guys because we are not NTs. The #1 piece of relationship advice I hear is to be myself but most of the other relationship advice I get involves me doing something different than what I normally would do or behaving in a different way that I naturally would behave which is contradictory to the being myself advice.

AspieLover2
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11 Nov 2010, 1:37 am

Zara wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Quote:

the vulnerability and openness in this thread is quite sexy, actually.

You're weird.

true, probably. i like when guys are self-reflective and honest about their feelings.

I found it has not always been so easy to be open about such things but I am working on it.

I have had some negative experiences in the school years when I have shown an interest in someone, not just from rejection(which I rarely got to that point in the first place) but to disapproval from other friends as to as why I would like someone. I suppose it got ingrained into me to keep such things to myself and that's kind of the way it stayed with me for a long while. Certainly didn't help me get me out there and meet others and just gave me another reason to be hesitant in approaching women.
I've learned to be a bit open over the past 6 or so years but I still have that hesitancy... I still have this idea that there is something a bit wrong about showing sexual interest in a girl, fear of being judged as as some creep or so. Still slowly getting over that.

My lack of relationship experience truly depresses me. I feel so far behind everyone else my age that I have no hope of ever catching up to the standards that are expected of someone my age. Why should any woman ever consider me for a relationship? They have no reason to. There are far better guys they can easily find. That is the sad truth.

Please don't be depressed with your lack of experience. A lot of woman will find you adorable. Please do not judge yourself by the standards of someone else or even society. I am an NT and the problem sometimes with Aspies is that an NT woman maybe confused by the lack of clear signals. If she doesn't understand what an Aspie wants of her she is going to take the safe road herself and just move on. Also, some woman take a bit of time to warm up to a guy. I would advise an Aspie guy to talk to a girl about general things and then compliment her on her hair, her blouse, her shoes, etc., then immediately move back to the general topic so that a thought is starting to grow in her mind that this guy maybe interested in her. If he can keep her interest then he is definitely moving in the right direction. Just my two cents...

ToadOfSteel
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11 Nov 2010, 1:50 am

katzefrau wrote:

eh .. what's "up to code" for one person is not the same as for another. everyone has their flaws, and whatever they are, to someone they are overlookable (or even endearing)

In what culture is creepy considered endearing? Because that's what I am...

katzefrau
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11 Nov 2010, 3:09 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:

katzefrau wrote:

eh .. what's "up to code" for one person is not the same as for another. everyone has their flaws, and whatever they are, to someone they are overlookable (or even endearing)

In what culture is creepy considered endearing? Because that's what I am...

Toad, i seriously doubt it from your posts that i've read.

anyway i think "creepy" is a lazy way of saying "different than me" or "inscrutable" .. and if someone doesn't take the time to unscramble you a little bit, they're not worth your time either ..

nick007 wrote:

My experience contradicts the advice most people give. I'm NOT a normal so maybe typical relationship advice is not working for me because I'm not a typical person.

right, exactly.

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nick007
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11 Nov 2010, 6:26 am

AspieLover2 wrote:

I would advise an Aspie guy to talk to a girl about general things and then compliment her on her hair, her blouse, her shoes, etc., then immediately move back to the general topic so that a thought is starting to grow in her mind that this guy maybe interested in her. If he can keep her interest then he is definitely moving in the right direction. Just my two cents...

I would NOT recommend this to an Aspie. Some of us are horrible at giving out complements like that & when we try doing it; women take it the wrong way because it is extremely unnatural for some of us. We could cross the line for sexual harassment like that. I think the direct approach is best for an Aspie. I rather tell a woman I like her straight-out. I get shot-down every single time but trying to do all those social-cues bull confuses me & stresses me out. I much rather get shot-down for being the way I am instead of spending my time trying to play the NT game only to lose miserably. if the woman can not handle a guy being straight-forward about it; it's very likely we will have lots of problems trying to make a relationship work. I think this is why some of us Aspie guys have so many problems finding women.; we are incompatible with most women

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nick007
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11 Nov 2010, 6:53 am

katzefrau wrote:

nick007 wrote:

] My experience contradicts the advice most people give. I'm NOT a normal so maybe typical relationship advice is not working for me because I'm not a typical person.

right, exactly.

I normally don't use analogies much especially on WP but I think/hope this one may help :arrow:

An Aspie asking an NT for relationship advice is like a Mac user asking a Windows user how to install something on their computer. The Windows setup program may not be Mac compatible. Mac users may have to get a different setup program or go with a different program instead of using the Windows one. Something that works well for NTs may be incompatible for us Aspies; we may be incapable of doing it the NT way.
I'm not sure if this made much sense

hyperlexian
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11 Nov 2010, 11:22 am

nick007 wrote:

katzefrau wrote:

nick007 wrote:

] My experience contradicts the advice most people give. I'm NOT a normal so maybe typical relationship advice is not working for me because I'm not a typical person.

right, exactly.

I normally don't use analogies much especially on WP but I think/hope this one may help :arrow:

actually, this is pure genius. totally in agreement.

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ToadOfSteel
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11 Nov 2010, 11:44 am

katzefrau wrote:

Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but there has to be something wrong with me if guys that are worse-looking, less well off financially, and less socially graceful are capable of getting a girlfriend and I'm not...

hyperlexian
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11 Nov 2010, 11:50 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:

katzefrau wrote:

they go out and meet them. like, expand their social circle.

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