Stuffed Up Big Time!!

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The title says it all - have basically engineered the biggest screw up of my (limited) social life to date........

The story starts about a year ago when I decided to get a cooked breakfast at a local diner one Saturday morning. In I walk and the woman behind the counter takes my order and basically starts trying to chat me up from the start. I was (and always am) reluctant to start convo's with females as I have no idea what the Hell I am doing. Anyway, the food was good so I made a cooked breakfast at that diner part of my routine. The woman behind the counter always made every effort to chat me up every time I came in. The woman's name is Dolores and she is about ten years older than me. She is very attractive and is divorced (ie available). Over time, I began to let my defences down and started joining in the conversations with her. This went on for about a year, up until about a month ago when the s**t hit the fan. At the time I thought that she obviously liked me - she payed me more attention than anyone esle - and she was waiting for me to ask her out. So I did. She appeared surprised at this and said something along the lines of, "I like you as a customer but why would you think I like you as more than that?" That was when my brain pretty much exploded. I said because she was always chatting me up like she was interested in me. She said she was just being polite. I replied that being polite is "How are you today, Sir? What can I get for this morning? How was you meal today" and so on as opposed to sharing personal information and taking an (apparent) interest in me. She gave me this smile (not a nice smile, either) and said she was sorry I felt like that. By this time, I was getting agitated and probably fairly loud. Given I lift weights and was wearing a muscle shirt at the time, I probably looked a bit scary. The other staff in the diner were wondering what the Hell to do although I could have stopped any of them if they had threatened me. I asked Dolores how the Hell am I supposed to tell the difference between her being "polite" (as she put it) and actually leading me on. At this she appeared indignant like, "I NEVER lead men on. How dare you acuse me of that". I repeated the question, "How the Hell am I supposed to tell the difference?" Her rather smart-arse reply was along the lines of that I am a grown man and I should be able to tell the difference. Had we been alone I might have calmed down a bit (might have) and tried to explain about AS to her but I was not about to do this in front of a group of relative strangers. Instead, my anger got the better of me and I replied, "Well in that case you have obviously just been leading me on to keep me coming back to give you money - basically, YOU'RE A F***ING WHORE, DOLORES!" I turned and stormed out. As I was passing through the doorway, Dolores yelled out, "AND DON'T COME BACK!".

A month on and I am still angry as Hell about this. This woman (I believe) led me on and yes, I am attracted to her. At the same time, I am very angry with her and I am sure that she would have been no good for me anyway. However seeing as I have no other options, I still think about her a lot. Some of the time I want to go and apologise to her but other times I think she should apologise to me.

I really don't know what the point of writing about this is but I has made me feel a little better to get it out. If anyone wants to comment of the above, feel free.

Oh boy....I suggest not going back to the diner, even to apologize (if you were so inclined). IMO, when you've screamed, "You're a f#cking whore!" at a woman, in public, at her place of work, there's really no chance of repairing the relationship. That said, there's definitely something off about this woman's response to your invitation. "I like you as a customer but why would you think I like you as more than that?" seems like an overly harsh, condescending way to turn down a date. She could have just as easily said, "Oh, that's so nice of you, but I: don't date customers; just started seeing someone; I'm too old for you; you're too young for me; I'm not looking for a relationship right now, etc." Had she done that, she could have saved the "professional" relationship she had with you, and allowed you to keep your dignity.

So...why would she choose to piss off a regular customer, and cause a scene at her place of work? I have no idea. Maybe she was interested in dating you, thought she'd been broadcasting big "ask me out" signals for too long, believed you were deliberately ignoring them, and was embarrassed. (Verbally "throwing herself" at you, and getting no response.) Maybe she's bi-polar and off her meds. Maybe she's just mean. But the bottom line is that neither of you handled the situation well, and its probably better to just learn what you can from the experience, and walk away.

I basically agree with everything you said. The "relationship" is beyond repair and honestly that's probably for the best. I feel she was harsh in how she turned me down but at the same time, I over reacted. Looking back, calling her a whore was overstepping the mark and I regret saying that. I have no intention of going back to her diner.

It did hurt that she did not seem in the least flattered by me asking her out and that still digs at me. The other part that gets me is that I deliberately let my guard down and got hurt for my troubles. I don't really have the emotional maturity to handle emotional upsets well.

Although Dolores could have been more tactful in knocking me back, I probably created the scene by getting angry and abusive. I will take the blame for that one.
I have found another diner and am attempting to put this behind me and move on.

I know what you men and some women waggle their tails but don't let anyone grab them. I think you overreacted, but she being the one with apparent social skills, could have handled it better.

Its obviously bugging you, you could try aplogising but I don't know what the reaction will be, then at least you can have peace of mind an think that you've done everything you can.

After that just don't go back there or have anything to do with her.

The same exact thing happened in the movie Adaptation. The Nicholas Cage character was socially awkward, would go into the same diner and talk to the waitress about his book that he was writing. Then he asked her out and she freaked out and went up to one of the other waitresses and whispered in her ear with a concerned look.

Thinking about the movie now that I have more awareness about the dating game, she was just making chit chat in the movie. Probably liked him as a customer, but wasn't giving him anything beyond casual waitress talk.

I'm not sure how the waitress was acting with the OP since I wasn't there, but there's a chance she was just being very friendly since he was a regular. Perhaps, also, she could have been very flirty, Who knows. Either way, she was the one with the better social skills and could have let the OP down easier to save face for both of them.

as a general rule it is wise to assume that any employee of any establishment that you frequent is only being nice (for the monies and repeat business). Because we can't tell the difference.

I think thats a good rule to go by, especially since the amount of threads here often include someone who is waitressing/working in shop bla bla.

I guess that about sums it up. Part of the art of repeat business is being polite and friendly to customers. Yet, at the same time, I am unable to tell the difference between this and something more. As a result I generally do tend to be very conservative in dealing with females. The irony here is that this same conservatism probably stops me from pursuing in cases were I should.

I do agree with that. I would think that I am a bit socially backward would be obvious to most people. With that in mind, it wouldn't have taken a lot for the woman to realise that I had taken things the wrong way. In general, I don't think women really understand how hard it is for men to ask women out and how much we put at stake - all the worse if you are not on the same social wavelength as everyone else.

I think the whole issue came as much from hurt pride as anything else and that she appeared to be very condecending towards me. If the woman had of at least appeared to be impressed by the fact I asked her out and had respected my feelings a little more - even if she still said no - I don't think I would have reacted as badly as I did.