AS and Love-shyness

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The term 'love-shyness' does not seem very well defined. As the Wikipaedia article points out, there are aspects of the 'condition' that feature in various 'personality disorders' and a more generalised 'social anxiety'.

I could lay claim to some of those attributions to some extent, but the difference with me is that I took an interest in girls in my teens and was invariably rebuffed. This means that it might be possible to 'learn' 'love-shyness' through a form of negative conditioning. I suppose that is just another way of saying 'I gave up' on it due to repeated failures.

I would also have to say that the apparent 'symptoms' around so-called 'love-shyness' can only really be appreciated in hindsight; say when you get to 40 and realise that you have never had a girlfriend and are therefore unlikely to get one now.

I have asked women out before, but I really have no idea whatsoever when it is best to do this—or how for that matter. I have a similar problem initiating nonromantic activities with male friends (acquaintances).

On how many occasions should I have talked to a girl before asking her out is a good idea? Some people seem to ask out people they've just met. How are you supposed to know when she actually likes you and when she is just being normally friendly (I think I have confused the exuberance that more extraverted women have in general for a liking for me in particular a few times before)?

Usually, even with guys, mixed company, etc., trying to get anyone to join me to do anything at all is a practical impossibility (except when it was my aspie support group, where they were more receptive).

I know how you feel Neant.
I look for cues on when it's right to initiate certain activities, but I can never find them... If indeed they are even there...

GA

I'd say the half about women, at least in the sense of striking up a conversation cold without some good excuse, really does unnerve me. I think my biggest fear though has to do with just being different at the core and really feeling like there's no possibility that a woman could love me (like conformity is all that matters). A wierd thing also is on first impression if I see that a girl's all guiled up a lot of times it makes me nervous and if she starts checking me out it's like I can't even look at her - wouldn't be so bad if I had a chance to get to know her but like that article said, it just doesn't work like that.

On the other hand the thing about male friendships definitely isn't true - no problem with male friendships, only time I feel uncomfortable is when I don't feel I meet the specs of fitting in to their group and they all like me but in a different way than they like eachother (good example, a friend who moved back to town a couple months ago who I hung with maybe 3 times and haven't talked to since - real popular party-going type dude, all the women know him, his friends are kinda in that whole ex-highschool stoner-prep league, and even though they appreciate it when I go out to drink with em it just feels uncomfortably bizarre that I'm not like em nearly enough and still getting by...).

The only thing that IS really uncanny though which they mentioned, I did start liking girls a LOT earlier than most guys. Lol, I think I kissed a girl for the first time in 1st grade and was interested in 3rd and 4th everytime a popular friend of a friend was getting love letters from girls in trying to find one who liked me.

Another way to interpret this is to be shy of the word "love". Can say I adore/am fond of/have extreme positive feeling towards a person. To use the "L-word" is really hard for me, esp. bc. it's so subjectively-defined, and such a "loaded" (w/cultural assumptions) term. Don't know how to be certain love is accurate label for what I experience. Afraid that by saying it out loud I'll start obsessing about whether it's true & confuse myself further. Verbalizing thoughts makes things seem extreme for me-amplifies or mutes whatever's on my mind.
Easy to say love in cavalier way about objects or simple creatures, it's so different.

Read this before, seems like it never created a rock-hard criteria for diagnosis. If it was a DSM-IV accepted disorder, I would most likely have it, but it's not in the DSM-IV so there.

Ive only ever asked 3 girls out and 2 were pretty informal (one of those I knew was out of my league but we got along the other girl had some issues that I didnt know about and we stopped talking shortly after that) The third girl I got the "I dont know you that well" which considering her might have actually been sincere :shrugs:, oh and all three times I wasted too much time before asking.

I think I would ask girls that I knew and somewhat liked out more but they always seem to be in groups of a few people and that has always unnerved me.

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This problem is what screws me over the most. I'm sweet with any guy as long as I don't have feelings for him.

When I talk to one I do, BAM - I come out as a freak and he doesn't want to know.