My GF and I had an argument

Post Reply New Topic

Hey! I need a bit of advice 'cause I can't understand my girlfriend's point of view in this and I'm kind of freaking out and I don't want to talk with her without settling my mind first.

The thing is she's a very sexual person and I'm not, I couldn't be less interested. But since she is, I compromised so we do make out and do other stuff from time to time. Yesterday we were making out and suddenly I notice she wasn't very into it (the breathing you see, it wasn't what I was expecting) and I ask "is there a problem?" and she goes "yeah, I started thinking about how you and me are in totally different frequencies and it turned me off". She just blurted this out. I didn't see it coming at all. It hit me so bad I was rendered speechless and felt like a 14-year old again when, if something bothered me, I couldn't talk for days.

I took a moment to sort of recover, went to the bathroom, washed my face and then came back. She apologised, 'cause she didn't want to get me upset. I told her that she had embarrassed me (which right after stepping on my privacy is the WORST thing that can happen), she said she was sorry and kind of said she didn't want to tell me as soon as she had gotten turn off 'cause she didn't know how, and I told her she made me feel pretty bad 'cause it wasn't easy for me either, and just because I don't feel arousal and I would much rather be watching TV, does NOT mean I don't think this was a big deal.

And then I got all worked up and told her that I was really tired of her not thinking before talking, and proceeded to name a few examples from the past where she had done things that deeply hurt me because she didn't think ahead.

THEN, she started crying, and said I was a jerk for bringing up those things that were buried in the past. I said that I didn't care that she said she loved me, I needed to actually see it through her actions. And then she went home.

Later she said she was really hurt that I brought an old issue (which isn't old for me, 'cause it still bothers me, but I know it's part of my obsessive behaviour more than anything) and even more hurt that I told her that bit about showing her love instead of saying it, because for her it sounded like I was saying "you don't show your love, at all". And then, she said she had only been hurt like that by her mum (which we both hate 'cause she -her mum- says and does awful things to her, including stealing from her her entire pay of the month, more than once) and made a rather nasty comparison between her and me. And this last part killed me. I know I'm not like her mum, but I just can't stop hearing those words in my head. I now feel like I'm not worth it, at all. And I can't understand what I did so wrong for her to say that. It's not like she said it out of spite, cause she had plenty of time to calm down and get out of the whole fight-or-flight set of mind after our initial argument (I'm talking at least 4 hours).

Help!

(Sorry, I know it's very long, didn't know how shorten it. Thanks in advance)

I would let things cool down, let emotions clear and then talk about it. At a non emotional time is the best time, which is when people usually are thinking about problems the least. Tell her what hurt you and she can tell you what hurt her and you can try to figure out how not to do it again. Get the stuff that still pains you out in a non charged time, bring it into the light and take away its power.

Also, when dating, you can almost never apologize enough;)

Are you kidding? She is a very sexual person and you don't care or aren't very good at sex.

And you wonder why she is not happy? How thick are you?

There's no need to start insulting her. The vast majority of sexuals don't understand asexuals and it's not that they're being thick but that the other viewpoint is so incredibly different from theirs that they can't wrap their head around it - you wouldn't call a sexual thick for not understanding why someone has no interest in sex, or gets upset at the thought of sexual acts would you? This is basically that situation but reversed... (if indeed the topic creator is asexual, which doesn't sound unlikely).

Last edited by Harpist on 12 Dec 2010, 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, I'm thinking she may be asexual from the way she talks about not being interested. Or possibly she's hetero?

Last edited by Lace-Bane on 12 Dec 2010, 10:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

I can easily understand why she was turned off. She has needs, that you are not able to fulfil, which is a shame. Most women (myself included) want to be desired sexually and romantically. I know you're doing your best to make her satisfied but in the long run, I don't think you will be able to.

You clearly overreacted, and you shouldn't have brought up previous mistakes of hers. I understand why what she said might have hurt you, but she wasn't blaming you - she was just being honest. Did you really say, that you didn't care about her saying that she loves you? Seriously?! That was very harsh.

Do you love her and want to proceed with the relationship? If so - work on it! Learn how to express yourself better and communicate in a more gentle manner. Talk with her and listen - don't attack her for being honest.

Personally, I just think that you both just need some time apart for a good while as the argument between the pair of you looks like it's esculating and giving each other space and time to think is a good option yet sometimes that is very hard to do.

Despite you are less sexually active compared to your other half, sometimes that can actually be pretty bad and it's normally the sexually active one that gets more frustrated.

Another thing that is very important is communications, if there is no communication between the two which I assume you both have a good communication, but if not then it makes the relationship seem rather pointless.

You both were in the wrong by bringing up things that you upsets you both but I'm pretty sure you both didn't intentionally mean to hurt each other and you both were upset and that's rather normal in alot of relationships and you both have to be the ones to apologise to each other, but don't rush into it just give it time.


- SBI.

Ahh.. GrimmRomance, come around to my place and we will do things with scented body oil and whipped cream.
(Just kidding but I understand what you mean)

Oh baby!! xD Haha... I don't think my hubby would accept it though. ^w^
But whipped cream is still yummy..

Thank you all for you advice. I'll think about it and see how it goes.

Just to clarify, this isn't about the sex thingie, this is about we both having very different conceptions of the world and how we both react very differently to same words.

Any way, thanks.

I apologize for my rude post before.

This is not about sex, it is about similar values.

Let's say one person loves going out but the partner's idea of a good evening is to watch a video and eat popcorn.

Let's say one person is very physical and wants to go hiking and rock climbing but the partner would rather visit a museum or art gallery.

So the question is do you have enough in common to make up for your differences?

@Wombat: Quatermass and I have just been discussing the fact you never pick up your PMs. Any reason for that? We've both PMed you over the last month and you haven't picked up the messages.

Apology accepted, thank you