To be Alone, or not to be Alone......

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I seem to be the king of pain
And it looks like every relationship I get into, after not to long I become a monster
And start to hurt those that, well I thought, I loved
And I do love them, so I am very upset I get stuck in these patterns
I have watched my patient mother stick by the side of my AS father (and Alcoholic), and we both have had our fair share of being treated bad, and she is still there, and seems to love him know-matter how mean and cold he can be to her
I was given the diagnosis of AS 4 years ago, and now I am 35, I understand the disorder yet seem to be unable to find peace, love, and happiness.
My most recent and deepest relationship is in a broken state, and she ended up betraying me to push me away. She still wants to be my best friend though and I am finding it very hard to be around her now, and every time I try to spend time I wind up in a very bitter place and start treating her bad all over again. Will I be able to put this back together at all? and be at peace without her intimacy? and is it even worth trying to find a solution that makes us both happy?
I feel I should just leave, I also feel that I will do this in every relationship I have, that's a sad feeling but that has been the pattern in my relationships up till now
I have lost all hope that I will treat my partner well, all the time.
Is it easier to stop the pursuit of finding someone that can cope with my tendencies
Right now I feel being alone is the best for me, should I stop wanting affection forever ??
I will sleep better to know.... am I just meant to be alone????

Here is a love video song.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZwMX6T5Jhk[/youtube]

Maybe some self-preservation ought to kick in and maybe you need to spend some time apart from your ex?

If you're struggling to spend time with her on a platonic basis, then maybe you shouldn't even see her as friends for a while? You need to give yourself time to heal. If you explain that to her, if you explain you're still getting over the break-up and you find it difficult to hang out with her at the moment, then if she cares about you as a friend, she should understand that and she should be happy to give you some time and space to heal and get over the break-up. She should understand that if you find it difficult to spend time with her, so you can't spend time with her, that doesn't necessarily mean you don't care about her or don't want to be friends, but just that you need to prioritise yourself and your emotional and psychological well-being. She should be okay with that if you explain it to her. And hopefully she'll give you time and space, but tell you that she'll be there for you as a friend in future if you need her.

As for being alone, yes, it's hard. And spending time with her might seem preferable, because spending time with a former partner, albeit just as friends, is better than being alone, isn't it? Not necessarily. Like I said, if you're struggling to spend time with her as just friends, then maybe you need some time and space to heal. But also, maybe you need to be alone for a while, or at least without her company, because maybe that will create some space, a 'vacancy' for a new girlfriend in your life. So maybe by not seeing her (or maybe not seeing her so much), and freeing up some of your time, that means you're available to go out with other friends, meet new people, and maybe find a new girlfriend. That's going to be difficult if you're spending a lot of time with your ex.

What EnglishLulu said about your current situation makes sense.

As for the pattern you seem to keep falling into with all of your relationships, I think that maybe you need to at least take a break from dating, period, and try to figure out why you act this way. AS may be part of it, but I highly doubt that it explains everything.

I like being with friends but it seems that my battery runs down and I need time alone to "recharge myself".

Does this make sense to other members?

As for the pattern you seem to keep falling into with all of your relationships, I think that maybe you need to at least take a break from dating, period, and try to figure out why you act this way. AS may be part of it, but I highly doubt that it explains everything.

Answer:
I was alone for 5 years before I met her, so I thought that amount of time was a break for me to figure out how not to repeat my patterns, every girl I date (not many) is more attractive then before, the most recent has been the most patient also. there seems to be years between me finding someone I like, or that likes me.and I have a hard time understanding that, everywhere I go it seems everyone likes me, I am a very outgoing Aspie, I am a very social guy, most are suprised to hear I have AS, and people are warm and caring to me most of the time.
I live in a great place for meeting people, but I don't seem to gain friends or relationships easy. I only seem to become irritable after the first 6 months into the relationship, then it's like the can is open and I cant cap it. I spend the next 6 months trying to stop my behaviors, and the harder I try the less control I seem to have.


First of all, exactly how do you hurt them? You seem to be completely aware of what you are doing while you are doing it. What makes it so difficult for you to stop?


Answer:
I am aware I am doing these behaviors, but seem to lack the self control to stop it, or see whats turning in my mind so I can reset without having a blow up. it did not seem to matter what I am upset about. It always wound up in the same fight, going to the same place every time. It's hard to find a solution, and I usually have to reset, might not even happen that day.
And after a couple months they are so emotionally exhausted with trying to make me happy or satisfied with life. I seem to take my partner for granted, and all I really wanted was that, a partner. all I do takes the life out of us both, and I see why they cant stay.
I have watched my father play this routine with my mother my whole life, but she has learned how to deal with that over the course of their 44 year marriage, and has figured out for the most part how to avoid conflict, there is still problems and always will be though.


You sound like you feel completely helpless to stop acting this way. The fact that you are aware enough of what you are doing to describe it here and say that you don't want it to be like that says that you are NOT helpless. You just need to examine your behaviors and what is causing them.

Answer:
I don't want to be helpless, but that is how I feel when it comes to controlling this aspect of my life, I can turn anything I touch into gold, except my relationships
I thought knowing what I have would help me understand why I act out in this way, but all the research I have done has not helped me understand what triggers that and how to stop this from coming to the surface, and always on who I don't want it to.
I love these girls and they have given me their heart, time, and love
Only to break apart all they give, and make them feel like sh**
Maybe I fall for the wrong people I am not sure, but I am so afraid I will do this to everyone that gets that close to me, and I can't do that anymore
I also deep down don't want to give up on a search for someone right for me, I am a very loving guy and know I have good things to offer, and hopefully leave the bad behind on the next round.
Thank you all for your feedback and help

Okay, so you can identify a pattern: 6 months in this stuff starts happening. It sounds to me like at that point, being in the relationship is what is causing the problem. What Wombat said about having to "recharge" might be a clue--maybe there is just so long you can handle the "togetherness."

Thank you all for your advise, I think it can and will help

"So you take her "for granted" in that you assume that she'll stick around until you can "reset" yourself. I think you can probably see by now that that's not going to happen"

Answer:
I look at how I treat her, and when I treat her bad, I feel I am taking the wonderful beauty of being around them for granted. Most of the time this happens I seem to get set off by something, even small and little things, I don't see the trigger happening.
And I don't know why I just cant find peace, she tells me if it isn't one thing it's going to be another thing, and that I will always find something to complex about.
And the kicker is that I do want to be happy. I just seem to be all across the board and she has to walk on egg-shells to avoid conflict half of the time. She reads me very well, better then anyone thus far in life, and I cant seem to hide if there is something wrong.
Sometimes, allot, I don't know whats wrong, and sometimes there is not anything wrong but my face is saying a different story. I seem to be very unaware how I look, or affect other people.

This causes most of the problems in my life, I have always felt that I had no filter on emotions, and I say things in the battle that don't really process before they just come flying out of my mouth. If I am calm I can think about whats happening, when I get fired up I have a problem being rational and mature, and nice. I usually cannot reset fully until the next day. If problems did not get fixed, I start to build up resentments if they remain not ironed out, or simply skipped over in some cases.
I don't want to give up on our relationship, but it has been harder now that she has a boyfriend.
I cant help but feel replaced, and she says what I give her is not replaceable. but it has been two months now trying to be a friend again, nothing seems to be easy, and I feel tense when I do see her, and her house seems hard for me to hang out in now.
I hate to start all over new, she knows me better then anyone and that has taken patient time in learning me, she had made me very comfortable and I was mean to her in turn, I just don't get me? Does she know me to well? Can know-one get to close without me hurting them?
Is a simple friendship a possibility after our intimacy?

OP.....I think you're missing the third option: bring a "new and improved" you to your next relationship.

My impression of you (based on this post, and the other post you created about the same subject) is that you're a perfectionist. Perfectionists tend to think in "all or nothing" scenarios, e.g., I'll give up on dating forever, or I'll keep trying the same things I've been trying until I find the "right" woman. (That comment your ex made about you always finding something to be unhappy about also adds to my impression.) That's why I believe it hasn't occurred to you that it may be possible for you to have a successful relationship - if you're willing to make some changes first.

You've mentioned that your mom has "stuck by" your Aspie dad for more than 40 years of marriage, but you haven't mentioned if your parents have a happy marriage. Honestly, there are lots of reasons your mother has chosen to stay with your dad that may have nothing to do with happiness or mutual satisfaction. Because you've used terms like "stuck by," I'm inclined to think their marriage may not be all that happy.

It's important for you to understand that the model of marriage you've had is your parents' marriage: they've taught you what you know about it. Because you see your mom "sticking by" your dad (which I'm assuming means she tolerates his negative behaviors), you believe that's what marriage is: a woman willing to permanently tolerate all your negative behaviors. You may even be subconsciously triggering negative behaviors in order to "test" the women you have relationships with - to see if they'll "stick" with you.

So....that's a recipe for disaster when it comes to relationships: you have to be willing to do your share of the heavy lifting. That means you have to take responsibility for changing the behaviors you can change. For example, you're aware that you have a problem with saying really hurtful things "in the heat of the moment." The impression I have from your posts is that you say these things, although you know you really don't mean them - but you feel powerless to stop yourself "in the moment." Have you considered stopping yourself before you get to that moment? Have you considered fully explaining these situations to your partner, e.g., the triggers involved, the physical changes she may see in you, how your mental processes are different during that kind of stress, that you really can't control what's coming out of your mouth then, etc.? Obviously, you need to develop some coping skills to avoid those situations, for example, walk away and spend time alone until you've regained a sense of equilibrium.

Being in a successful Aspie/NT relationship requires cooperation and understanding and extra work - from both partners. I hope you'll consider finding a therapist - with expertise in Asperger's - who can help you develop the coping skills you need to ensure your next relationship has a better chance of succeeding. I'm not optimistic that you can be "friends" with your ex at this point in time. You have an awful lot of unresolved feelings for her, and I don't see that hanging out with her and her new bf is going to benefit you. Since she does still seem to care about you, she may be willing to attend some therapy sessions, in order to give the therapist a view into your relationship - from her perspective. That kind of input can be incredibly valuable in terms of helping you understand how your partner sees you. I know this is very difficult, but I believe that if you're willing to make some changes, you'll have a better chance of finding happiness in your next relationship. Good luck.