Curse you, underdeveloped empathy!

Post Reply New Topic

I work at a supermarket. Yesterday, a really pretty cashier was buying something to eat (it was during her break). While she was in line (there were only two customers before her), my coworker asked me if I was going to have my break at that moment, to which I said something along the lines of "as soon as our coworkers get back from their breaks, which will take about 5 minutes".

Shortly afterwards, it was her turn. My coworker had left a few moments before and we (she and I, I mean) were alone. After she bought whatever it was she wanted, she said "it's so boring to lunch alone". To which I replied simply: "yeah...", since I had no idea of how should I answer to that kind of small talk.

Soon after she left (about two seconds), it hit me like a block of concrete. She'd just invited me to lunch and I'd just politely declined her invitation. I was so surprised, I actually said out loud "Hold it..." while I was putting two and two together.

Sorry for the essay, but I had to post about this. I'm still trying to figure if what happened to me should be considered funny, stupid or depressing. Or all of the above.

Did you have lunch with her?

No. As I said, I only managed to put it together after she was gone.

this happens to me a lot too.
before going out with a group of co-workers, one of my über-cute co-workers asked if I could give her my phone number, and I answered : '' you know what? Bill's got my phone number you can get ahold of me through him!'' totally oblivious. but I think that girls like it when we're aloof.

4 hours later I thought I was the biggest idiot, but you've got to appreciate it for it's comedic value, though, cuz it's damn funny when you think about it, we're playing hard to get.

subtlety and nuance leave a lot to be desired.

You should invite her to lunch next time you see her ^_^

I agree with the above poster. She's likely to be receptive.

Yeah, I would have missed that too. Why couldn't she just ask if you wanted to eat lunch together? Does everything have to be coded? Yeesh.

I, too, find I'm better at that kind of thing in hindsight. At the time, I'm not very good at interpreting and 'reading between the lines', because like you I tend to take things very literally, but afterwards when I think about things and analyse them I think it's possible to do as you did, realise the underlying meaning.

I think that's good, because it means you have insight and are capable of empathy (it's just running in a slightly later Aspie time zone to the NT time zone!). It's good that you're capable of putting yourself in someone's else shoes and wondering about what they might have been feeling and what they might have meant.

I think many Aspies don't have that kind of innate awareness that NTs have of what people actually mean, but some Aspies are capable of learning by example and trial and error. It's like NTs come pre-programmed with a complete systems analysis flow chart whereby they encounter a situation and they know what the possible outcomes/options are and they recognise them and respond accordingly.

Girl comments on how it's boring to lunch alone:
> she's simply making small talk because it's kind of expected in the NT world to engage in inane chitchat in those kinds of situations
> she's having a low-level moan about working conditions to a colleague and looking for a sympathetic response
> she's looking for a lunch companion and > she's not inviting you to lunch or > she's inviting you to lunch

Whereas Aspies come with a less sophisticated version:

Girl comments on how it's boring to lunch alone:
> Someone's made a verbal proposition: It's boring to lunch alone. What do I think? Is it boring to lunch alone? Or is it not boring to lunch alone? Hmmm, I think so too, it is boring to lunch alone. I'll say "yeah..."

But the good thing is that now you're aware of the existence of the NT version of the 'flow chart relating to a person saying "It's boring to lunch alone"' you're aware of the other possible outcomes, so next time you encounter that situation, you can respond accordingly.

But the likelihood of someone making that exact same comment in that exact same scenario are slim, so how useful can this be to every day life? The advanced level of Aspie/NT communications is being able to apply those lessons to other similar scenarios, which means interpreting situations and assessing how similar or dissimilar they are to situations previously encountered, and thinking about whether lessons previously learned during or in the aftermath of earlier situations can be applied.

I think NTs communicate by just 'knowing' all those things, whereas Aspies can be a bit slow and they have to actually think through the processes, they can stall or hit a glitch, if they don't know about other options like underlying meanings.

I guess another analogy Aspies might relate to is video gaming. It's like NTs already know about all the secret doors and eggs. Aspies are fumbling through the game and only realise where they are when they stumble across them. But they can store that knowledge away for next time and use it then, they can accumulate the kind of knowledge NTs already have, through trial and error.

I know the feeling. It happens to me once in a while and I think I have some explanation to it.

I think you/we block the event because it's somewhat too close/cross our line (unconsciously).

I'm sure there won't be a next time. This kind of thing happened a few times before, and my monotonous voice tone at those occasions always ensure women to never try again.

At least I'm getting better at this empathy thing. Two seconds is surely a record for a guy who once took about half a year to figure one girl's intentions. But while I do find it kind of funny, it's getting annoying pretty fast.

Magnus Rex -
Don't wait for her to ask again. Next time you see her, ask her if she'd like to have lunch with you that day. She gave you an opening. That opening is still there, but don't expect her to ask you again because she won't. If you ask her, I'm sure she will say yes.

I don't think it's a problem with empathy. More a problem with being literal.
EnglishLulu's summation rang true.

I myself have had this situation happen countless times. Most of the time I'm glad for it because if I like a guy I ask him out and that's that.