Inconsistency

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Things are going pretty well with my Aspie man, but I have a question that has been bugging me for awhile. He is quite erratic with his emails. Sometimes I get a response right away, but usually it's the next day and this will go on for a week or two and then 3-6 days will go by with no email. I used to get worried that he was mad at me - ok I still wonder that a bit - but usually the answer is he got really involved in some special interest. I wish he would just give me a heads up and say I'm going to be busy for a few days.... Is that a problem for an aspie to do?

Sometimes I get e-mails and do not respond for hours or days or at all because I'm not quite sure what to say. I just don't know what I am expected to say in reply and so I say nothing. When I do respond, it is usually after I have had a chance to think about it and structure out some awkwardly worded non-sequitor of an answer.

Very often, I fear that if I dash off a response, I will write something insulting or confusing so the best policy is to wait a bit and think out what I want to say. Sometimes I wait quite a bit and come across as if I'm avoiding the person.

I do the same myself. Sometimes I won't e-mail someone for days, not because I don't like them, but because it just doesn't cross my mind to do so. As for replies, how quick I reply depends on my mood and if I'm busy. If I have nothing else major going on I usually reply in less than 10 minutes.

However, I'd suggest not looking too much into e-mailing habbits. It will just end up stressing you out and you'll become paranoid about what it means when he takes a certain amount of time to reply and so on. I've been there and it isn't nice.

Well, do you talk on the phone every day? Or every other day? If so then I don't really see why regular texts or e-mails should be an issue. If he doesn't talk to you for days at a time though, I'd end it. But that's just me, I'll do anything not to feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

Hi -
We have a standing phone call once a week that lasts hours (he can only take one call a week). Then in between we correspond via email. Like I said, we typically correspond pretty regularly and rarely will 5 days go by without an email (like what is happening right now), especially when it seems that it's been more like every other day in the last few weeks. BTW - this is someone who is retired (and isn't young) and lives like a hermit. I'm his only friend at the moment.

He can get totally enthralled in a special interest and says he "gets lost." But I think a more respectful way to act would be for him to give me a heads up such as a quick email saying he is "going AWOL for a few days" or something.

He hates anyone calling him so I can't just call and ask what's up. And I don't want to look desperate since I'm not. I'm an assertive type of a female so this passive role/being at his mercy is very annoying to me.

My only other thought as to what is happening is that whenever things move forward substantially in the relationship, I feel a pulling back again and our last phone call was a move forward. So this maybe what is happening???

I think I just need a "clearing of the air" conversation..... I know he likes his independence, but there has to be some modification of his behavior if he wants anyone in his life. I'm just not here and available whenever he feels like it. Right?

I feel the same way, I can't actually take it when someone just contacts me when they want me and not when I need them. People like that I can deal with as friends, because friends can sometimes help me out with some useful information about anything, so it's always good to keep friends close by. However, someone who is meant to be there for me and who I care about, I can't take if I feel the effort is one-sided. I have a sense of pride and won't be made to feel less important.

I don't think this guy means anything by not contacting you, but I'd be weary of someone with such a big special interest who won't compromise on it. I mean, it's fair enough if he warns you about it and you're busy with something else and don't contact each other for a few days. However, if it's not what you want and you feel like you have to 'wait' for him most of the time and it annoys you, I'd move on. Just because, it's better to feel you're being yourself and not changing to over-compromise for someone else's blatant under-compromising. You just don't need that, even if he does mean well.

Hope that helps.

Also, I'm not sure if I should say this but I've managed to convince aspie men who hated calling, to call me. They may have hated it, but it was something I needed and couldn't do without ending the relationship. If I'd have just told them I understood and was willing to accept (but not really) that they hated the phone, it would just have made me feel a bit worthless because a need of mine wasn't being satisfied. Half of the relationship is about *you*, so make sure your needs are satisfied.

I also have an issue with people being inconsistent.

It depends. I can only relate to my own experiance as someone accussed of being aloof or distant in the past. Because I would have moments of not contacting anyone (thats friends, family or significant other) sometimes It could last over a week before I would feel the need to actually break the silence. But usually someone would be in touch with me before then wondering what I was up too.

I like having my own space. I definatly go in a cycle. At one extreme I blitzkrieg everyone I know getting things done organising stuff and practicaly being out seeing people every single day. Then I have my opposite extreme were I just go off the radar for a a day or two. Although I do have moments like above, but not as often these days.

Problem is, the entire mothers side of my family are all like this. So I haven't really got anyone encouraging me to go off and change my ways

Over time most of my friends have come to accept this quirk in my character, particularly my long established friends whove known me for 5-15 years.

I imagine if your other half understands how this makes you feel then he will feel guilty. I certainly was and very hurt how my way of operating in this manor impacted on my ex as she was someone who wanted that constant contact and reassurance. Whereas I was quite happy to disappear off the radar for 4 days of the week and spend the other 3 with her. She wanted me there 7 days a week and I think it was probably something that was a contributory factor for us not working out in the long run.

I think its best resolved face to face

Honestly though, I think that would probably give both of you more of an incentive to speak to each other. You have met and interacted and therefore you both have a more fleshed out projection of each other in your minds. Otherwise your this character construct, and maybe part of the reason things arn't working out is because its difficult to relate to such constructs.

I relaise thats probably not practical, but it probably would be the most simple way to resolve things.

In retrospect you may have shot the gun too early to have began a "relationship" at this stage.

I don't really know how people manage in those sorts of situations it just seems like a reciepe for causing a lot of disappointment and unneccesary angst

I guess its all lessons to learn for the future. I wish you luck in your endevours anyway, im off to sleep

I'm terribly guilty of this. I get anxious when I'm about to write an email and put it off for a long time.

If he's like me, I wouldn't be worried that he's angry at you. It would actually mean that he really cares about what you think, so he devotes a lot of thought to writing a response (even if it's brief).