Girlfriend wants me to verbalize why she's "special&quo

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I've been with my girlfriend for about 10 months. The past couple of weeks she has been distant and I finally asked her about it today. I thought it was related to other things that were going on with her family at the time so I tried to give her space but her aloofness continued so I asked her about it today. She said she was insecure about our relationship, and thought that I just was with her because she was convenient for me, and that she thinks I see her as not being any more special than any other person off the street.

I've explained to her before that I have extreme difficulty expressing emotions but she seems to not take that seriously, and I brought it up again and she still wants me to do it. The thing is, when I try, for example when she asked me how I knew I loved her, I just didn't know. When people ask me questions like that I draw a blank. I kind of enter a state where the very question they asked just seems so abstract that it cannot be answered. I have no idea what to say. I've described this before but she apparently will not accept that. I might try writing, and will probably just write something similar to what I'm writing here.

Another thing is that when people put me in situations like this I can just cry for no apparent reason, which happened during the conversion in which we discussed the above. This sort of "drawing a blank while describing emotions" thing has happened to me exactly one other time in a context that was not romantic, and it was when I was in college and discussing some stupid paper with a graduate instructor (assistant). THe paper required some kind of emotional input or something that apparently I couldn't deal with and I basically started crying silently in front of the grad student. It was quite embarassing. I'm not someone who really displays emotion about 99% of the time, and certainly not crying. The # of people outside my family who've seen me cry is three, in about as many occassions.

I am undiagnosed, but fairly certain I have some form of autism/high-functioning/asperger's whatever. I told my gf this a while back and she was pretty accepting of it but I don't think she believes it, and she is the type of person who would only accept it if the diagnosis were official. But, like probably many of the people here, once you read about it you just know without any doubt that you are in the spectrum. So ever since then I haven't really brought it up again. For the first 28 years of my life I got by explaining things as just part of who I am, and so I'm fine continuing to explain myself that way to people who would not take my self-diagnosis seriously. I am going to explore getting an official one sometime in the next year or two, but that time frame will not fit in with the issues currently facing me and my gf.

I do love her but I wonder if I am a good fit for her. My life is super complicated, not only by the spectrum issues, but by family ones as well and I don't want to be this source of emotional complexity in her life. I just want her to be happy, and so part of what I'm thinking right now is to let her know that maybe we should stop seeing each other. But I am also having difficulty with committing to doing that because I keep thinking of her and what a beautiful person she is and why should it have to be the case that I have to let someone like her slip through my fingers. Her life hasn't been the easiest either and I wonder if breaking up with her would add to the scars she already bears and that thought makes me so incredibly sad.

Seeing how she has acted the past couple of weeks, and comparing it to the times we woke up together and she would tell me she was happy to have woken up by my side, I don't know. I'm just filled with incredible sadness right now as all these thoughts come through me, and the idea that I was the one who caused her harm is something that hurts me deeply.

So I don't even know what to do now. I'm not sure if I should try to express to her how I feel, or if it is worthwhile to continue trying to have a relationship with her.

There are so many other things I could touch on here as well. The fact that she's putting me in the position to have to go through the difficult task of verbalizing emotions to someone, feels like a violation to me, like I'm being cornered. I feel like the fact that she is asking this of me, despite my explanation that it's not something I am comfortable with, might be a sign that she is not someone who is good for me -- why is her need to hear those words more important than my difficulty in producing them?

My aversion to expressing myself like this exists on several levels:
1. It is simply difficult, uncomfortable. Impossible to do on-demand, the only hope I have is to write them down after long reflection.
2. Writing them down feels like I am being forced. This feels like I am being violated, or tortured.
3. When people do things that bring my fundamental weaknesses like this out, i feel totally exposed, and it feeds my constant insecurities about not being a normal human being. I fear that from now on I will be seen by her as an immature child, at least emotionally, and I don't see how she can be attracted to that. My next fear is that this will cause her to look at me as a burden rather than a companion or lover.
4. When I was a kid, adults in my family would try to "test" me by asking me things, and to see how I would react. For example my uncle played this game where he would ask me or my cousins to give him the money we had in our pocket, usually $5 or $10. His test was to see if we were unselfish enough to part with our money, and if we passed it by giving him our money, he gave our money back, and typically added $10 or $20 of his own money to it in the process. But for me, as a young, logical, allegedly aspie kid, I saw this as a logically fake test. Everyone knew that they were going to be given money by my uncle in the end so the test was a sham. Theyw ere actually greedy. So i refused to participate and everyone thought I was a greedy bastard for it. But I felt misunderstood and I'm not sure why but it never occurred to me to explain to anyone why I didn't participate.
The point of that story is to illustrate that whenever I feel like someone is testing me by asking me to produce some words or actions to "prove" something, I almost always opt-out of their test, either by not participating or telling them the opposite of the "right" answer, or if possible giving a BS or off the wall answer that sidesteps their test. I absolutely hate being tested in this way and it's one of the few things I have left of my rigid values system from when I was a child. So whenever girls have asked me to describe why they are special, this has triggered me to want to opt-out of their "test" because the words could easily be fake. I tell people how I feel by being there with them. I don't have a lot of friends, this is because I don't find most people worth hanging out with. So I vote with my body.


There is so much other stuff to say but I fear I've already made a really long post that no one will read. At least writing it has helped me become aware of the situation as a whole. But I still don't know what to do, and if I do decide to try to do what she wants, what to actually say.

I've come to note that in most relationships, men look for someone they are happy with, whereas women look for someone they can form a deep connection with. If you do not express your inner feelings to a woman, she cannot bond with you, because she can't get to know you sufficiently.

In this respect, crying can actually work in your favor.

If you are able to better express yourself through writing, then write her a letter. You express to us that you are hesitant to share your feelings even when you can, because you feel like it's a violation of your privacy. Well, expressing some things does open one up for potential hurt, but unless you want to be alone all of your life, this is something one has to do on occasion. What's better? Never letting anyone in and being alone all of your life, or exposing yourself emotionally to a potential mate, chancing they may be your soul mate, while at the same time risking rejection? If you have imperfections, so what? You need to forgive yourself for being human once in a while.

Concerning how to talk to women....I once saw a man in the romance section of the book store. At first I thought he was gay, but then I thought, if he were a straight man, he might be on to something.

That's right, go out and skim through some romance books. Take notes. I have no idea whats in them but they occupy a big enough section of the book store that I imagine they're profitable for some reason.

I found it difficult to tell my bf why he was special and it took time for me to explain. It's important in relationships to tell the other person things that you like/love about them to help them feel more secure in the relationship.

Oh, and it's not usually as complex as you might think. It could be simply "I think you're a beautiful person". It helps to know how to explain this with "When you do this (place an action of hers in the blank)_____________ you show you're a beautiful person." or some variant of this. You could add "inside and out" to "I think you're a beautiful person" and see how it goes.

Hope I helped.

You're clearly a very smart person and I wouldn't be surprised if you were on the spectrum at all with that way of thinking in the money splitting game. Anyway, have you ever thought of expressing your feelings towards her in different ways? Such as through art, music, buying her gifts or doing something nonverbal? I'm not so sure you should do what you're uncomfortable with, i.e. express your feelings for her verbally, because if it's forced it'll lack everything that she wants. If you feel like she's asking too much of you, then have you ever had a proper conversation about why you have difficulty expressing your feelings towards her? I think if you have enough difficulties to the point of personal relationships being impaired, you really should get a diagnosis.

I think being open with my ex was part of the reason she left me... I just wanted (and still want) someone to connect with and be able to share my closest feelings with and to be able to confide in. She was the one the felt I was too strong in my approach in that regard...

You don't see it? No?

You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, but you have to figure out which one is more important to you at this point: protecting yourself or staying in a relationship with her.

Also, consider showing this thread to her.

OP, relationships are a two-way street: your partner does her best to meet your needs; you try your best to meet your partner's needs. I'm assuming your gf is NT, and that means that one of her needs is emotional intimacy: as in, the sharing of personal feelings. It actually is a "test" of sorts, but not the kind of test you think it is. You seem to believe it has to do with propping up the woman's ego: if you say something sufficiently gratifying to her, she'll be "happy" and you'll pass the test. That's not it at all. I suspect she needs to understand that you know her, and that what you find amazing about her are the things she finds amazing as well. For example, a man can value a woman because she is his idea of physical perfection. And while a woman might understand that her body is appealing, she also wants to know that a man values her in other ways, e.g., her intelligence, her strength, her ability to nurture, her professional success, etc.

You need to understand that most people don't "vote with their body" when it comes to being in a relationship. Lots and lots of people are willing to "hang out" with a woman/man....whether they're waiting to see if the relationship develops, or if they're just waiting for someone better to come along. While your presence in a relationship implies the ultimate validation of the other person's worth - to you - it's not the way most other people operate. They do need to understand that you're there because you value them - and how you value them. By refusing to meet this particular need of your partner, you are defining the relationship as a power struggle: she wants you to tell her how you feel; you refuse because it makes you feel emotionally vulnerable. The relationship becomes a war of wills, rather than a process of mutual growth and support. It won't last under those circumstances.

I really encourage you to re-think your attitude about expressing your feelings for your partner, because your gf's needs are not even a tiny bit unusual. Pretty much any woman you date is going to want to understand your feelings for her, so breaking up with this girl won't solve your problem. While I don't believe you have to be able to express your feelings verbally, or constantly, or on-demand, you're going to have to find a way to express them. While it may feel like a "violation" or "torture" to you, I suspect that feeling is the result of your discomfort with the vulnerability you feel when expressing emotion - or perhaps when admitting that you do actually need other people in your life. That is something you can work through. I'd go so far as to say that's something you should work through. (That your gf has waited for 10 months to ask for this reassurance is a pretty good sign that she's actually a pretty patient, self-confident woman.)

Look, relationships are about personal growth. No woman is going to plug neatly into your life, e.g., be around only when you want her around, have only needs that you're completely comfortable meeting, always make you happy, etc. The question you have to ask yourself is what's more important: your need to have a relationship on your terms, or your need to have a relationship.

"I've explained to her before that I have extreme difficulty expressing emotions but she seems to not take that seriously, and I brought it up again and she still wants me to do it. The thing is, when I try, for example when she asked me how I knew I loved her, I just didn't know. When people ask me questions like that I draw a blank. I kind of enter a state where the very question they asked just seems so abstract that it cannot be answered. I have no idea what to say. I've described this before but she apparently will not accept that. I might try writing, and will probably just write something similar to what I'm writing here. "


You just did:


"I do love her but I wonder if I am a good fit for her. My life is super complicated, not only by the spectrum issues, but by family ones as well and I don't want to be this source of emotional complexity in her life. I just want her to be happy, and so part of what I'm thinking right now is to let her know that maybe we should stop seeing each other. But I am also having difficulty with committing to doing that because I keep thinking of her and what a beautiful person she is and why should it have to be the case that I have to let someone like her slip through my fingers. Her life hasn't been the easiest either and I wonder if breaking up with her would add to the scars she already bears and that thought makes me so incredibly sad. "

If I were you, I would write something for her expressing how you feel. You also have the option to just show her what you wrote right here, if you're comfortable with that. That may not be exactly what she was looking for, but it covers some things she probably needs to know.

Man, I have totally been there. I even said to my GF once that I couldn't tell if I loved her for being who she was, or just because she was the person I was with. That's a terrible thing to say. Luckily she forgave me that one.

It's important that you assure her that you love her, even if you can't tell why. When in doubt, say "I don't know why I love you. I just do". Then, just continue chatting and specific things will come up.

I'm sure now you're a bit scared that she leaves you. You'll start remembering the little things that you'd miss if she left. Those little things are what makes her special.

I have the exact same problem. I don't know why it occurs but I blank out completely when being asked by a guy I'm dating (NT) why I'm with them - what it is about them that I am attracted to.

I wish I had the answers for you - I don't, but I can at least testify that being able to express how you feel emotionally about your partner; the specific traits they have that you're attracted to, seems to be important to most people. As it is important, my conclusion is that it's important to try and figure this out in your own time, and then you can tell your partner as soon as you've worked it out of your own accord.