Do you use "code words" with your partner(s)?

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[This post was inspired by a comment by Lene in this post in The Haven.]

I'd like to talk about the kind of code words or phrases (or even gestures or other methods) that you might use to communicate an issue to your partner or close friend, without actually coming out and saying it.

Reasons a person might need to use a code might be:

* you're around other people and are not able to speak up
* the topic is difficult
* you're having difficulty communicating due to an unrelated factor

A code might be used to indicate the following:

* you need to leave
* you need to speak with your partner privately
* you're not OK with the plan that is being suggested

My partner and I have become interested in setting up codes, but we're having trouble thinking of what codes to use. The codes seem either too usual (and might be missed) or too unusual (and might be too obvious to others) to be useful.

Do you use this communication technique in your relationship? Do you use another technique designed to accomplish communication when there are limitations present? Please discuss.

(For the sake of readability, please avoid quoting entire posts. Please only quote small sections that you wish to respond to. Thanks!)

Last edited by hypercube on 06 Jan 2011, 7:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I married a woman who has almost the exact opposite of AS. Her AQ score is something like 3. While I can't read her body language at all, she can read mine like a champ. She knows when I am getting uncomfortable almost before I do and acts appropriately. I lucked out this way.

My bf and I have one word that encompasses everything (i.e. its meaning is obvious from the situation) and is probably the verbal equivalent of a raised eyebrow.

The word itself is pretty banal and whilst it probably doesn't fit into the conversation, most people would never notice us saying it (unless they were on the look out). People rarely pay attention to what others are saying.

Standing close together and one of you grasping (and lightly squeezing) the others hand might be subtle enough if you hold hands regularly but would be obvious if it's not usual.

Another might be something like asking 'Honey, would you like a (something you know your partner doesn't like)?', it may not work so well with people who know you both well but it might work. It is something that has to change with context. For example, you are at a party and there is a food table, your partner may not like prawns and there are some on the table. This relys on you both knowing each other really well and remembering this code though.

Does whacking me in the side of the head with her purse count as a "code"?

In a previous relationship, when we couldn't talk, but could see eachother, we'd put up one finger then four then three, a finger per letter for each of the words in "I love you".

God that's sickening

My wife will be talking to someone on the phone. I have grasped who she is talking to and what about.

So I will get her attention by waving my hand in front of her face.
Then I mime holding a phone to my ear and putting my other hand over the mouthpiece.

To me this means: "I really need to tell you something important right now and I don't want the other person to hear me"

I have explained this many times but each time I get a blank look.

Perhaps I should just whack her on the side of the head with my purse if I had one.

I love these responses.

Wombat: I started the day with a laugh, thanks to you.
Jonsi: That's cute.
Grisha: Aww!
LostAlien: I really like the hand-squeezing idea. I could see myself suddenly engaging in frantic squeezing. But I am also trying to find something I could use if we are standing in a small group of people and happen to not be touching... and I think if I were overstimulated and had to think up something on the spot that I wouldn't be able to manage it. The idea of it being out of context is really useful, though; food for thought.
Lene: Verbal raised eyebrow, a great way to put it. I'll bring that phrase into the discussion.
MidlifeAspie: Neat. I'm mildly surprised by that pairing because I, myself, paired up with someone with a fairly high AQ score (though still lower than a typical Aspie score). Yet his very best friend has a score under 5, so there's another example of a close higher-score/lower-score relationship.

I lucked out. I am successful and living a full life because of her

Me, too. I just have to give my husband a look and he knows exactly what's up.

We do speak in code but that's because we have children... and a dog. The dog knows too much.

All I had to do was whisper to me gf that I didn't like meeting new people and she was able to reign in her brother and stop him from trying to force me to talk. It was pretty nice.

As far as my partner goes I don't think she'd be able to read the I'm in destress and can't take anymore sign at a party or anywhere else if it was me flinging a brick at her head. I do love her but honestly she's caught up in her own self entirely too much for us to have signs anymore however we did use to have the "I'm/they are joking" sign and it was a simple wink. If ever someone commented and I wasn't sure how to take what they said I'd look at her if she winked it meant it was a joke or humor that I missed.

But here I do have to say my 10 year old son is awesome at reading my body language and often gives signs back or fixes things. I was so lucky to have this child who just came out empathetic and sensitive to the world around him. My son often reads when I am overwhelmed and in extreme discomfort. He will randomly look at me and then gather any visiting friends up and tell them it's time to play outside because the house needs quiet time. He has grabbed my hand in a store and told me that we could come back later maybe and get what he wanted or needed, that he didn't need it right now when all I am aware of is feeling like the store is going to open up and swallow me whole. If all that isn't sweet enough he will sit beside me when we are places we can't leave and when I am at my most tense I will feel a sweet little hand reaching over to gently rub my arm as if to say "it's going to be ok."

Spoon = fork
Knife = cat

Apart from those, no.

Nykio - that is so sweet, it almost brought a tear to my eye
And MidlifeAspie - you and your wife sound like the perfect combination

I love the idea that while we may be born different in whatever way, people can come into our lives with complementary qualities which balance out our idiosyncrasies and make life flow more easily. Either by friendship, marriage etc, or like in Nykio's case, actually MAKING the person ourselves! That's pretty cool.