I don't understand? What went wrong?

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I wrote her a long note, telling her how I felt about her, and how I suspected she was trying to let me down easily. I thanked her for her kindness and explained how bad I am at relationships and she was doing the right thing because I'm incompetent at dating and would've screwed it all up. I explained how wonderful she was, and how guys like me were a dime a dozen. She can do far better than me, I assured her. She's had problems with a stalker in the past, so I ended by promising that, in spite of my poor social skills, my odd ways, I was not like those guys, and I would never write or call her again, so she would feel safe.

I've also deleted my OKCupid account. I'm hopeless. I'm 26 and haven't made it past the first date. There's something wrong with me, and I'm not worthy of love. I feel I have something to give to someone else, but no one wants it, because the person giving it is worthless, damaged goods. I wish I could slash my face with a razor, or scar it with nitric acid, so I would look as ugly and repellent on the outside as I feel on the inside.

Firstly, don't think I don't know exactly how you feel. I've been there, especially when I was your age.

Secondly, don't make this incident shape your whole worldview. These things happen to everyone, AS or otherwise, for whatever reason, she just wasn't right for you. I don't excuse her completely, because she handled the situation very immaturely, but that's her problem and it's not necessary for you to lecture her about it.

Just move on, and forward - you could meet someone tomorrow who makes her look totally lame, but I guarantee that you won't if you give up.

As far as the FB thing goes, don't judge your insides by other people's outsides, just because someone seems to be happy on the outside, it doesn't mean that they are.

In my case, I have a very few good friends that I've managed to find over the years and wouldn't trade them for a million others.

I know what it feels like to have no one, but trust me, they are out there, it's VERY difficult to find them, but totally worth the effort.

Good luck!

It's just so hard. All the pain, for the slimmest possible chance of happiness with someone. Increasingly it feels like it's just not worth it for all the mental and emotional anguish of being rejected again. More and more often I'd rather live in a state of non-feeling...not happy, but not miserable either, which is what I wind up feeling every time I've been turned away by a girl I'm deeply fond of.

Speaking of facebook, I deleted my best friend from high school. Got so sick of his ways. He got married, has a kid, and completely shut off contact with me. I'd call...nothing. I'd email...nothing. I filmed his wedding for god sakes, and he didn't have the courtesy to respond over Christmas when I contacted him about meeting up (he was in town a whole bloody week). I know marriage and parenthood are huge priorities, but that doesn't make it right to completely forsake your friends, which is exactly what he'd done. On top of it, I got sick of all the goddamn photos of their stupid baby, and of how happy they were. So he's gone.

Someone around here recently said (probably Moog, he is like a black-belt Zen master) that: "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"

This really helps me a lot.

I read once that the RAF had a policy of putting pilots who got shot down back up in the air as quickly as possible.

As for you: 2 down, 3.8 billion to go - pretty good odds...

It's good advice, and I keep trying to tell myself that. What's so hard is I never make any progress. It would be so much more bearable if I could get past the first date, but that's all that's ever happened, and then the girl shuts me out, doesn't return my calls, answer my messages. If only I could have two dates, then three, then perhaps a brief relationship, then a longer one...forward momentum. I feel I could learn more about myself and what to do to achieve success.

As is, I don't. I never find out what I did wrong (I just get the usual, "You'll find someone, it's just not me, let's be friends, etc). And I'm stuck at this brick wall of the first date, and the goal, the lifelong companion just seems farther and farther off, as the wall gets higher and higher...

What's your facebook id? Mine is renexu

In the future, you should avoid writing letters to others such as this woman when you are in a bad emotional state. You should not write letters to those in the dating realm which have a tone of self pity, low self esteem, imply a solicitation of pity, or may be perceived as a guilt trip. It indicates to the other person that you are emotionally unstable or emotionally immature.

The fact of the matter is, you don't know why this woman has acted the way she has. It could have had nothing to do with you. She could have been indecisive about her own feelings. She could have felt she was not ready for a relationship. Having been stalked is not an easy thing to recover from. In these instances it's best to exist the relationships on a good note.

In the future, something of the sort of

"Dear (whoever):
I've not heard back from you for a while. I'm going to take a hint and guess you felt we weren't a good match. I can respect that, but I wanted to let you know that I had a really great time with you, and would still love to see you again in the future if you change your mind.

Best wishes,
(Your name)




You are only hopeless if you believe and cling to these self loathing misconceptions. If you honestly feel this way then I suggest you seek professional counseling.

The thing when you don't pursue many people is you always get rejected. I mean playboys get rejected too, but they pursue 300 girls, not 3. For a normal person finding a perfect match after pursuing 3 people is impossible?

I don't know how many people you've pursued, but often the guys here its only a small number. It doesn't mean theres anything wrong with you, its a numbers game. The more people you meet the more chance you have.

I've lost count of how many I've pursued. Dozens, in excess of a hundred easily when summing all the various ways.

I just don't get it. I've got friends who've hardly dated, and are now married. In all the time I knew my roommate, he only dated one person. They're now married. Same with my (former) best friend from high school. My sister married the guy she dated in college, and before that, she dated maybe two or three different guys that I knew of.

Any one of the girls I met I would have been thrilled to spend my life with. I was willing to give them a chance, and they weren't willing to give me any.

In the future, you should avoid writing letters to others such as this woman when you are in a bad emotional state. You should not write letters to those in the dating realm which have a tone of self pity, low self esteem, imply a solicitation of pity, or may be perceived as a guilt trip. It indicates to the other person that you are emotionally unstable or emotionally immature.

Idunno, I think it comes from years of being undesireable. Not being invited to parties, not being popular, not being wanted, and it all seemed so random. I'm a nice person. I'm willing to give of myself, and when people can get something from me, I'm wanted, but after that I'm cast aside.

And so not being able to earn the approval, I opt instead to give them a reason to dislike me. And so it goes with this girl. Rather than be cast aside by her mysterious, capricious whims, I'd rather send a pathetic loser note to her that is a post facto sabotage. It means I'm not entirely powerless, which is something. I'm sick of not having any say.

One of the mistakes we make as aspies is assuming every interaction is entirely dependent upon our inputs, thus if something goes wrong, we examine where we input some errant data that caused the interaction program to "fail". She may have been, and still be swamped with work. She may have had an ex come back into her life. She may have been faking to impress you because she thought you were cute but decided your personality wasn't right for her. She may want to have fun dating around and not get involved with one guy (I can't stand those girls either). I could go on. There are literally thousands of possibilities that explain her behavior and have nothing to do with you.

Agreed. I have had the same situation as you and its actually happening right now. Haha in the past I actually had a girl tell me her parents blocked txting then proceed to txt her friend in front of me, that is when I got up walked away and never said another word to her in person and when she txted back I responded about 8 hours late just to be an ass I made up some BS reason that was obvious I was lieing. I've also had girls say "I didn't know what to say"...then I have girls that want to talk but suck at it (but that's a whole other story). I'm pretty sure not responding back isn't a "try harder phaggot" by the girl its just a "I don't even want to talk to you anymore", of course whether this is fixable is debatable and I'm certain many males would want to fix this more directly but the simple answer is just back off and act like you have 99999999999 other woman to choose from and she may or may not come crawling back to you for your confidence.

It's a darn shame that has to happen but it does. It's one thing if someone's not interested but it's another thing if they don't at least show the decency of responding to the person and letting them know they're no longer interested in them. At least that way it would be the end of it and you could move on. So you ask yourself what you did wrong? It sounds like you didn't do anything except the girl isn't interested anymore and she showed it in the most thoughtless possible way by choosing to ignore you. I still can't fathom why people would choose to ignore someone instead of just giving them one answer so they could move on.

If it wouldn't be utter dating suicide, I'd seriously consider having an exit survey for any future dates, where they could list any areas where I might improve myself.

I'd text her "If you don't want to, I won't ask you again.". That way, if she doesn't want to, she won't answer, if she wants to, she will want to reschedule.

This is a great case study (I hope you aren't offended by that). I think you're trying to understand things with logic. Dating isn't about logic, it's about trial and error (that's what my therapist says, I have no experience in that whatsoever). You try, you fail, you try with another person (and a different approach, maybe).

From your first post, I'd guess that she's no longer interested. If she was, she would answer your texts. If she can't answer your texts for some other unknown reason, she will contact you when she can, UNLESS she finds that you're texting her way too much, which will make her lose her interest in you.

I wonder why did you have to text her right the next morning. Doesn't that sound a little desperate? I've read here in a sticky post that women sense when you're desperate. I don't think they expect that you always do the right thing. Next time, why don't you try waiting a day or two before texting her?

Last edited by djeidot on 15 Jan 2011, 8:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sheesh, more rules I've apparently broken!

I texted because I'd read it was a good compromise. They say you shouldn't call right away, yet I wanted to also tell her what a good time I had, and I've read that sending a short text or email is a safe thing to do.

But seriously, how f****d up are we as a society, and a race, if all it takes to completely f**k up ones chances with a girl is a single text? And if I put off a girl because of one text, who the hell does that b***h think she is? One text, and suddenly I'm desperate or not good enough? What a rotten thing to put on someone who was just trying to be nice. God damn.