I don't understand? What went wrong?

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Wombat
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14 Jan 2011, 10:43 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
I wrote her a long note, telling her how I felt about her, and how I suspected she was trying to let me down easily. I thanked her for her kindness and explained how bad I am at relationships and she was doing the right thing because I'm incompetent at dating and would've screwed it all up. I explained how wonderful she was, and how guys like me were a dime a dozen. She can do far better than me, I assured her. She's had problems with a stalker in the past, so I ended by promising that, in spite of my poor social skills, my odd ways, I was not like those guys, and I would never write or call her again, so she would feel safe.


Dude, she isn't worthy of YOU. Why debase yourself for no reason?

What if she posts your note on her Facebook page just for laughs?

Let it go. Move on. You owe nothing to a girl who has already rejected you.



hale_bopp
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15 Jan 2011, 12:58 am

Its unlikely that one text would make a girl stop seeing you. It will be something else, about non compatibility, just forget her.

My heart does a backflip when the guy I like sends me one.. and it has in the past with all the guys i've liked. The more the merrier. It's only "stalkerish" if shes not interested, which sucks, because half the time you don't know.

I've been stalkerish to a guy because i wasn't sure if he liked me, kept brushing me off and ignoring me, took me a while to realise and come out of denial that it was a brush off. You feel you deserve a reason, hell, I felt like I deserved a reason at the time but you just don't get them unless you're lucky. In the end I just said "He liked me online but after we met he must have lost interest" and left it at that.

Really - These people aren't worth your emotions or your time. Let them find someone else. It affects all of us the same, not just guys or aspie guys. It took me 2 years to *fully* get over that one guy, but I could have done it faster with some of the advice from people here.



djeidot
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15 Jan 2011, 6:40 am

You really are completely focusing on trying to understand what's wrong, trying to improve yourself. Well, maybe the focus on improving yourself IS what's wrong.

First, you have to realize that there's nothing wrong with you (aside from AS, which is not wrong per se, but does make it more difficult). OK, you're not someone's type, but you definitely are someone else's. You've probably seen or know of a lot of people doing a lot of stupid things in dates and getting away with it. Do you think they're trying to improve themselves? No, they're just being who they are.

Second, you might find that there is something wrong with you, but it's something you can't or won't improve. What if she says she doesn't like you because you have a big nose? Would you go and perform a nose surgery? Don't bother, I'm sure there are a lot of big nose lovers out there (I have a big nose, so that's my example, not yours, lol).

Third, the biggest problem in trying to figure out what's wrong and what's right is that different things work for different people. Imagine you finally get it right with one of your dates, do you think the same approach would work with every other people? Imagine that the thing one of your dates didn't like about you and you try to repress on the next date is the exact same thing your next date is looking for. Different people want different things, you should try sensing what she wants and adjust to that, but never stop being yourself.

A good exercise to make is to think of all the girls you know and that you would never date. Ask yourself why don't you like them. What would you tell them if they wanted to date you? Do you think there's something wrong with them? And is it plain wrong, or just wrong for you? Do you think they have a reason to feel hopeless like you feel right now?


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Last edited by djeidot on 15 Jan 2011, 8:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

hale_bopp
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15 Jan 2011, 7:04 am

^^^ I like your outlook. I guess the problem here is hes focusing too much on whats wrong.



Chronos
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15 Jan 2011, 7:39 am

djeidot wrote:
A good exercise to make is to think of all the girls you know and that you would never date. Ask yourself why don't you like them. What would you tell them if they wanted to date you? Do you think there's something wrong with them? And is it plain wrong, or just wrong for you? Do you think they have a reason to feel hopeless like you feel right now?


This is a very good bit of advice and a very good exercise for someone with AS to incorporate into their thought process.