Advice needed on an AS-AS relationship. Communication ect.

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Hey everyone. It's been a long time since I've posted here, so I doubt anyone remembers me.

Anyway, I'm in a relationship with a guy I have so much in common with. I've never understood or been understood so well by someone in my life, bar maybe my own parents. To cut a long story short, we meet online last year. After months of long and convoluted conversations, we finally admitted we had an interest in each other and meet-up. He's since relocated and we've been living together since September of last year.

The thing is, my boyfriend most probably has AS too. Although he doesn't seem overly comfortable with talking about the possibility, I have enough reasons to suspect, based on his difficulty socialising and communicating, his abundance of quirks and what I know of his childhood. However, chances are I'll get him to discuss the possibility of meeting my psychologist who deals with ASDs.

Typically, when we spoke online the conversation was more fluid, he was more than comfortable opening-up and communicating to me and we could have talked for hours at a time. My concern now is the huge contrast between our former level of communication online and our face-to-face relations at present. Unlike me (who never shuts-up with someone she's comfortable with) my boyfriend finds it difficult to get to a state where he's comfortable enough to open-up with me in person. Although he trusts me, he still feels awkward talking about himself. He's a very passive person with a great lack of self-confidence on account of some bad life experiences - which I can relate to, but sometimes it makes me feel as if I'm making all the effort to no avail. He just finds it difficult to make the step from thinking something to saying it out loud. It takes two to tango, and I feel like I'm the only one in it.

Underneath all the passivity is someone with a strong will and opinions. The point is not that I'm trying to change him, but encourage him to express himself and engage with me like he did before.

Can anyone give me some advice, tactics or approaches on how I can help him come out of his shell a bit more?

My husband is undiagnosed, but probably has AS. I am diagnosed with AS.

Basically we met at his birthday party and felt a connection. We both have never felt so connected with any other person before. We immediately started a sexual relationship, due to our high sex drives, and had lots of pillow talk.

He has a hard time understanding what he is feeling, as well as, putting what he is feeling into words. What I do is ask him questions to help him sort it out. Sometimes he will need a few days to really understand what is bothering him. The first question I ask him is if he is upset with something I did. If not, then I snuggle him until he can sort it out.

As for everyday conversations, I talk about my interests and he talks about his interests. We have really great convos about science. He is not very talkative, but is willing to listen to me prattle on about things. Sometimes he needs quiet time, so I oblige him when he requests it.

I don't understand why he needs to be diagnosed by your therapist. It really doesn't matter when you are working on communicating with your partner. What does matter is learning how to communicate with each other. Everyone in a relationship needs to learn this, and it has no need of a diagnosis. I guess what I am saying is: diagnosis or no, he will still communicate in the same manner. Your therapist can assist you in figuring out how to communicate.

I very well could have misunderstood your question, so please take my post with a grain of salt. Also, I do not mean to upset you. I was only trying to speak about my experiences in an attempt to assist you.

Having difficultly translating feelings into words as you said might be an issue. I'll keep this in mind and ask him what he thinks about it. I actually have this problem too. That and trying to think of tactful ways of bringing issues up with him without sounding as if I'm criticizing him. The last thing I want to do is sound like I'm attacking his character, so my head boils over ruminating on how to put it best. I just end-up saying nothing, he knows something is wrong and I just can't communicate it by that stage.

I'm thinking maybe I need to encourage him to talk about his interests more, but sometimes it's even difficult to get him to talk about those things. Maybe he doesn't see the point in just chatting aimlessly or he's worried about boring me. I'm not sure. Though I'm thinking if I could get him more keen to talking about little things like that then maybe he'd open-up a bit more about other things?

You're quite right about a diagnoses. I don't think I'd necessarily ask him to consider one now that you mention it. I think my therapist is quite happy to simply meet him and talk to me/us about anything we need advice on.

Thanks very much for you reply zaidjit! It's helpful to hear about your experiences and I can relate to much of what you've said.

"Can anyone give me some advice, tactics or approaches on how I can help him come out of his shell a bit more?"

There is significant buffer in online relationships of both time and space; as opposed to the face to face of live in relationships in real time. I fear your boyfriend moved in with you, shell and all. He made a huge leap but he did it with his emotional armour on and any coaxing, no matter how gentile or tactical, will feel approaching to him and he'll retract further. It is is a law of nature.

He may be capable of much greater communication than he's giving now; or maybe not; or maybe later; or maybe with someone else; or maybe only online. Without backing away, there is no way to find out. Aspy or not, it makes no difference. Plenty of neurotypical guys have shells. Don't waste your time (and his) waiting for him to mature, morph, or man-up. He can't do it with the shell on.

DATING is how you can learn if a man you're attracted to is capable of fulfilling your healthy need of communication. It's the important intermediary step between online relationships and living together. Please don't cheat yourself in this regard. You are worth taking the time to learn how a man is, face to face, before sharing your home with him. Give yourself the luxury of dating for a whole year before making any living arrangements. AND, it gives the man his opportunity to pursue YOU. Believe me, they like to pursue. They need it in order to bond. They cannot pursue from inside the shell.

Cut this guy loose from your home. If he still wants you, he will demonstrate it by dating you. He'll have to come out of the shell in order to do it and you can then start getting to know what's actually in there. And if not, at least it won't be you who's probing at his shell.

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I recently broke up with someone who has a diagnosis of AS and communication was the reason we broke up. We only dated for 4 months and never lived together but it was a quick and very intense relationship. A lot of our communication took place through texts and through email in the first 2 months of the relatioship (because he traveled internationally for work).Those emails and texts were what made me fall in love with him because he was alot more open and communicative in that medium. When we were together we did not have a lot of deep meaningful conversations and like your boyfriend he really struggled with identifying his feelings and verbalizing them. I agree with the other lady that asking questions really helped with the communication. I had to ask a lot of questions to even try and find out who he was as a person and although I don't think he was trying to hide anything from me many of his answers often felt like they were scripted. I believe he had scripted answers to a lot of questions I asked because he could not identify a lot of his feelings right at the moment the question was being asked. Our break up was also just as quick as the initial courtship. I said something to him one night about not being sure about our future and then immediatle retracted the statement and tried to make things better. He was not able to recover from that and we have not spoken since. We returned all communication back to the email medium and he has stated that he will never be able to look at me the same. I really and truly loved this man and was willing to work on our communication but he was not. I have to admit that there were definitely times in the relationship that I felt really alone because of the communication problems and his inability to share himself with me in a verbal way. I think going to a counselor is a great idea and maybe she can give you guys some ideas on how to communicate more effectively in a way that is easier for him to find success. I spent a lot of my time in this relationship trying to be really careful about what I said and that was somewhat stressful because I have never had to censor myself with any of my other boyfriends or friends. It was a bit like walking on eggshells but I loved him and I was willing to do anything to make it work. Coming to this site really helped me understand AS and I was able to get a lot of insight from people who also have AS. Communication is the key to any relationship and it does not matter if both people are NT's , Aspies or a NT and an Aspie together communication is almost always a struggle but if you are in love then it is worth all the work and extra effort. I wish you the best of luck!

MountainLaurel, I do appreciate your response. It's all very responsible and I would tend to agree with you, but If you were aware of the history behind this previous to our living together your thoughts on the matter might be more valid.

Our communication prior to our face-to-face relationship lasted for the guts of 10 months. The exchange between us was not trivial, but traversed into the personal and required a a lot of opening-up in itself. Dating would also have been an impossibility for us, as I am from Ireland and he England. The closest thing to this we did - We had meet and stayed together four times before living together.

My point is that he is more than capable of communicating with me in real time. I should add that he's done it before (both online and in real time), he just can't let his guard down completely as it's been up for so many years. It is not a conscious decision for him, rather learnt behaviour.

blondieamc, thank you! I identify with parts of your experience a lot.

How you meet him sounds a lot like how I met mine - The online relationship was very intense and in-depth. I know he's the same person who typed out all those emails, but it's just bringing that person out and finding a way to communicate with him verbally as well as he could though typing (or as close as possible).

Fortunately he's very open and enthusiastic to work on this, and hasn't took anything I've brought-up with him on the subject badly.

Well, I strongly suspect my partner has AS, and communication has been the biggest obstacle for us thus far. My experience has been that my partner has been reluctant to share himself because of all the people who have hurt him badly. He prefers the safety of not getting too close, which I can understand and respect, since I am the same way. Although he has no trouble talking about anything with me, it will take awhile to get to that point. I would suggest simply asking him to share his interests with u. Sometimes it's very hard for me to concentrate when my partner is talking about his interests because I'm just not that into them as he is, but his enthusiasm usually keeps my attention enough for me to follow along and ask him questions.

However, talking about more serious issues or problems within our relationship (instances where he may feel his person being attacked/criticized) is much more tricky. There have been numerous times where we've been arguing and we've had to just stop because my partner couldn't identify his feelings and needed time to sort them out. Then, usually the following day or so, we would come back together and try again. There are still parts of him that he can't let me into, and I know those are the parts that he guards so fiercely. I just have to be patient and encouraging that he is always safe and can say anything to me without fear of judgment.

I can't tell u how many times I've felt like I was talking to a brick wall, or that I was the only one trying to hold us together and work on our problems. But, I have also learned that I have to repeat myself a thousand times to him before he gets it! So, that's something I just have to keep doing. I also try very hard to be aware of my biting tongue (especially when we are arguing) because that will shut him down faster than anything else! It can be very hard for me to try and say things in a way that is not so hurtful, but still gets my point across, and sometimes that's easier said than done! But, if u love him and are committed to him, u cannot stop trying. Sometimes in relationships, there is one person who pulls the other thru the rough spot...if not, then it would have failed. So, with that in mind, I will never walk away from my partner. Even when I've packed my bags and said I'm leaving. I can't. There will always be a part of me that will fight to the death for him - meaning, I will never give up on our relationship as long as I believe we both want to be in it. I understand that he has troubles with communicating, and therefore it's more of my responsibility to help him open up. I have to encourage him and show him that it is safe to do so with me - that there is no judging or criticism. That I will accept him no matter what. Once he feels really safe with u, he will start to show u more of himself. Do u share a common interest? Maybe u could start with that and simply get talking about something u both enjoy and ask him questions about his thoughts/opinions on the subject. When he realizes that u are not going to hurt him, he will come around. Past experiences can really be damaging and create fear of rejection in the future. It can be tough, but I have found this relationship far more rewarding than all my NT relationships put together!

I hope that's somewhat helpful...otherwise I've blabbed on for nothing! Good luck, and don't stop trying!