I need help

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I just met a girl. We have so much in common. I want a relationship and she seems to as well

Now I am afraid

I had one girlfriend when I was 16. The fights were horrible and would cause meltdowns. Two separate times I slapped her on the back during a meltdown. I would get scared and loose control. I am self-abusive during meltdowns and she had become an extention of my self. I did not want to hurt her but it was all I could think to do when words wouldn't work

I hate myself for this. and with the prospect of having a relationship I cant stop thinking about it. Im afraid I will loose control. I know I need counseling. I will commit to that. but they say "once an abuser, always an abuser" and it makes me feel hopeless. I never wanted to abuse or hurt or scare anyone. I dont want to repeat that

What can I do? Will pre-emptive counseling help me or am I a lost cause?

I think some counseling might help, I read somewhere that anyone who was in a relationship with someone with AS would benefit too.

How old are you now?

23. For the record, i have gone from almost daily meltdowns from as early as i can remember, to having only a few a year. I dont know if that was from all the stress I was going through at the time or what, but I dont want to take chances with it