Relationship/Dating Lessons Learned

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i hang around with girls most of the times and i sometimes liked some and about 3 times it as ended badly i seem to fit in better wiht girls as thye are nicer but i have hjad a crush on 3 difeernet ones over the years and each one has ended with the loss of their friendship i wish i could keep my mouth shut

in response to my previous post i would like to know of any ideas of how to patch thigns up and what to do nexxt time so i dont lose them as a friend too i dotn have enough to lose you know

I don't really know how to express this but as someone who has watched both my brothers who are socially awkward and have low self-esteem (one is definitely an aspie, the other more NT and just shy and unconfident) get with super hot walking nightmares, I will say, just shy of begging, please, please please aspie men do not get sold on looks alone, even if you are a virgin or have been a very long time without sex. Trust your instincts, and listen hard for the still small voice. Watch for dominant behavior that surpasses reason and ask yourself are you going to be able to stand being treated like a child in daily life no matter if the dominatrix type turns you on. If you are constantly being put down, realize it's going to affect your self-esteem until it's whittled away to nothing. Before you get married/ have kids, ask yourself how it will feel to watch your children being similarly abused and don't kid yourself, she *will* mistreat any children you have the way she is mistreating you. Thoroughly educate yourself on the characteristics and hallmarks of borderline & narcissistic personality disorders & if you pick up on them and she isn't turning backflips to become a better human being with DBT therapy, counseling whatever, then run, don't walk, in the opposite direction. Expose her to friends and family and really listen to their feedback. My brother was warned repeatedly, even on his wedding day someone called looking for him and talked to my mom and said 'this is the worst mistake he will ever make' and they were right. Now there are children who are going to have to suffer at the hands of these women their whole childhoods and my brothers will thusly never be free of relationship with them either.

double post..

Never even consider maybe one day pondering whether or not to go back to an ex, no matter how good the prospect seems at the time.

There are a lot of things in this thread to comment on, firstly Hope grows Asperger's is incredibly variable- I believe I have it very mildly [and only have a borderline diagnosis] but still [rarely] I show signs and when I want to be friends with someone they change their mind.

So for each Aspie, not all the things that you read about Asperger's will apply so the best source of information about how Asperger's affects someone is to ask them. You could come up with a list of ways in which Asperger's syndrome can affect someone and ask them how they are affected.

The main other thing is that some people may be ready to give feedback when you do something that annoys them where as others will bottle it up and then get very angry after some time without explaining. For any friendship or relationship to work the former is crucial. The problem here stems from a lack of communication and with proper communication and the ability to anticipate when things may become problems could make people with Asperger's who have identified the problems they may have better communicators than neurotypicals when both parties understand.

So whats crucial is a willingness to sit down and discuss any problems openly, and state things clearly and unambiguously describing exactly what the problem is. I think knowing that a person with a diagnosis of autism cannot always read body language or read between the lines is important because it should make the other person appreciate the need to communicate the same information verbally.

I have a few male friends with Asperger's [don't really have any female friends with autism, its much rarer [13 times more common in males]. If a friend had Asperger's I would expect them to understand how to communicate with another person with Aspergers but some Aspies -or even those who think they may be affected but consider themselves largely NT ] aren't even great communicating to others with Asperger's.
[think examples stated on here- probably stubbornness may be a big problem with some people]

I guess each individual has their own set of beliefs and things they like people to follow [eg cultural and personal beliefs etc] and when these aren't communicated there is no way they can expect others to miraculously follow them

[example: old flatmates were angry I cooked beef in oven - they never told me they were muslims and I thought muslims could eat beef [and couldn't smoke or drink alcohol]. They also never told me they were blatant liars but I figured that out quickly enough. The expectation that I would work out they were both muslims from the colour of their skin and their love for smoking wasn't reasonable]

could probably write a lot more, I like people who have a great personality- and there isnt a lot of such people around- and Im tolerant of a large number of people [essential as a healthcare pro] so I get on with people and make now make friends fairly easily. If someone upsets me I'll explain why and quickly forgive them in most cases, If I can't get along with someone its usually [perhaps always] the case that most other people can't either.

About the only thing I've learned in all my years is that I'm most likely not cut out for intimate relationships. I wish I had known that a long time ago, because I've wasted a lot of time and generated a lot of misery for myself trying to be "normal."

The amount of compromise it takes it just ... unpalatable to me. I either do too much compromising, to the point that my own self gets subsumed, or else the person bores me and I end it. I think it's an issue with power, and how I have to retain it to some level.

These are not healthy qualities to have, if one wants to maintain a "romantic" relationship. No amount of therapy has been able to even scratch the surface, unfortunately. I figured all this crap out on my own.

MV too many autistic people feel the same things -

they find problems in relationships and seem to think its them and resign themselves to being on the shelf. Thats not necessary- if you can bear it, think of what the problems you faced in the past and what made them better or worse and think about how any problems could be resolved. Put all the problems you faced behind you - they are not worth worrying about. and get yourself out there, build some more self esteem and find someone who likes you, who has a great personality and who you can be open with.

If you find the right person, someone who you can sit down and discuss problems openly with - someone who shares some of the same interests as you and who can give you time on your own to do your own thing when you need it

if you need any specific advice post on here or send me a PM

MV too many autistic people feel the same things -

they find problems in relationships and seem to think its them and resign themselves to being on the shelf. Thats not necessary- if you can bear it, think of what the problems you faced in the past and what made them better or worse and think about how any problems could be resolved. Put all the problems you faced behind you - they are not worth worrying about. and get yourself out there, build some more self esteem and find someone who likes you, who has a great personality and who you can be open with.

If you find the right person, someone who you can sit down and discuss problems openly with - someone who shares some of the same interests as you and who can give you time on your own to do your own thing when you need it

if you need any specific advice post on here or send me a PM