Upset with myself.

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I'll lay down some context first. I go to a health field career school. The programs there are divided into modules and they rotate so you could have students begin and others finish in any given mod.

Anyway, there's this girl who's been in my class for a month. I really like her, she actually makes me smile and I am able to keep eye contact with her. She often asks me for help with the school work, she makes jokes and we both laugh, she always asks how my day was when I get to class (it's a night class), and she always says bye to me. It's nice to have someone else around my age give a crap about me and ackowledges my existence.

I don't know what her feelings are. Friend? Romantic interest? I think of you as a brother? Grrr, why is it so difficult. One time she was doing something, and the teacher said she was doing it wrong, so I got up to show her. I reached over to demonstrate. I expected her to move her hand but she didn't, and I cautiously kind of put my hand on hers and showed her, and she smiled and thanked me. Does that mean anything?!? Am I just trying to find meaning where there is none?!?

So, I've been wanting to ask her out, but of course my vocal chords seem to become paralyzed when I try to. Every day this week I've psyched myself up, yet failed to accomplish my goal. She wont be in class next week, because she's getting her tonsils removed. As we were walking out today I actually got my courage up and awkwardly asked her for her number so I could see how she was feeling next week. I really do want to see how she is, she seemed scared about it. She gave me the number, but I was so nervous I dropped my stupid phone!

How do I proceed? I can talk with her, yet the moment I think about asking her out, I freeze. I'm 22, have never had a girlfriend, and have only asked a total of 3 girls out before, which only one of them said yes, and we never had a second date.

Dont say anything about feelings(liking her, thinking she's cute, whatever) or even make it a date really. Ask her if she wants to have some fun, get something to drink/eat after class one night. She'll respond in a way that should let you know her intentions at that moment. If she has a bf she'll most likely bring it up. If she says as friends, you say what else. If she says no, you say ok, see ya next class(tomorrow, what ever). Dont make it a big deal, or a scene out of it. Act like she's one of your buddies already and you're just trying to have a good time.

If she says yes, there may be A LITTLE INTEREST already(dont expect it to be romantic yet). That doesnt mean sprint into doors that arent fully open. It means be careful and cautious while staying confident. During the date/drink/meal, you ask enough questions so that you never really speak. Your job is to keep her speaking. If she tries to turn the conversation towards you , LESS IS MORE. Meaning short answers that leave intrigue and then right back into questions for her.

If at anytime the conversation focus's on you and she's wondering about your quirks(stims, ticks, reactions she may have seen), be blatantly honest. Say You have asperger's syndrome and it affects your social life as well as your sensory stimulation, but keep it short(this isnt the time to bear your soul). Only talk as long as necessary.

Just remember, you're not asking her to marry or date you, you're asking for one night of conversation and drinks/food/activity(bowling/billiards). She's just another human being. If she says no, its not the end of the world, just that dream in your head(LET IT GO). If you show more attention to someone else in the class, she may change her mind in the long run, as long as you dont make this a bigger deal than it is. Its one night. And it just repeats as many times as you both have fun. Your job is to keep things light and friendly, inquisitive.

If she likes you the same way you do her, it will be because you're different, not because you're the same as the rest of guys.... remember that! Own who you are, and take responsibility for your half of the equation. You both will be nervous so its your job to keep it fun and worthwhile. And dont use any stupid lines like, Im usually not this nervous. Dont apologize for the night(unless you mess up royally).

If she really likes you, she'll initiate contact with you(grab your hand or arm while walking). She'll look deep in your eyes while you're talking. She wont answer a text or phonecall(unless its a parent or sibling). You would be better off being hands off untill then unless you both are just laughing the night away. At that point you can afford to put your arm around her. Dont expect a kiss or sex/ Take it slow and steady and enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Finally, DONT GET OBSESSED. Yeah, she's great, funny, good looking blah blah blah, doesnt matter. Just doesnt matter. You treat her how you'd want your mom to be treated, or your sister(if you have one)and you have a chance to keep her. Open doors, pull out seats. Show you're different, dont just seem or talk it.... And at the end of the night, you say, I really enjoyed your company tonight. If she says why or "yeah?", you just say, some guys dont know a great girl when they see her, I do....

Ps, dropping your phone was prolly cute to her. Not to all women but many see nervous/shy as sexy because it means you dont wanna screw it up instead of thinking you're the s**t and being an arrogant jerk....

Oh yeah, and if you are going to go the flattery route(you smell nice look good, etc) dont be GENERIC. Show a vocabulary, and originality. Instead of you look good great amazing, that outfit is stunning on you(it shows you understand that she chose it because she thought she'd look good in it without being SIMPLE)

Instead of you smell good great, ask "what fragrance is that, its absolutely intoxicating!". You want to be distinct, unique, rare, a GREAT CATCH. Guys get girls every day of the week. And they do it by being confident in themselves and showing their personality/charisma. It also doesnt hurt if you have a good looking body so hit the gym. Who knows, maybe thats the second date if she's active...

Oh, and dont use pet names either, dont use nicknames. Use her name and say it with some style. Say it like its the name of the most beautiful flower you've ever seen bloom. Like god him/her/itself named this girl. She wants to know you understand she's not your babe, hun, toots, dear, darlin. She wants to be your (enter her name here) if she wants to be anything at all with you.

I feel like the first round of advice is pretty much spot on, but the second post will BLATANTLY suggest that you're seeking something more than friendship.

Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but proceed with caution with that. If you're out with her under the pretense that it's just as friends, and then you run that game on her, she will possibly feel deceived.

Ok, so I ask her if she would like to do something, but I don't make it a date. I have to work on my conversational skills. So, it's a good idea to reveal the Asperger's if she asks about my "quirks"? Does that include if she asks why I'm so quiet, or as others in the class have said, why do I usually look a little pissed off?

Some of us just say we are quirky, theres a certain stigma about aspies and relationships and we try to wait sometime before saying anything. Others say that theres nothing wrong in telling a possible partner about as and that by telling them you are weeding out those relationships that probably would never work.

In the end its up to you.

You sound a little nervous, may I suggest you try to do some sort of rehersal before you ask her out. Most women expect to be asked out in a somewhat confident manner and its allways better to have something prepared in case she says yes( I tried improvising for a while and I had no luck.)

I can see valid arguments to both sides. Revealing it early may scare off people who are not well-informed on the subject. Yet, not saying anything until later may weed out potentials, like you said, but maybe someone might think you weren't being truthful by not discussing it earlier.

And yeah, I'm more than a little nervous.

Is there any female that you are close to?.

Whenever I start getting nervous about talking to a girl I try to talk to a female friend because it makes me realize that Im not that I can keep a conversation at an acceptable level and Ive done lots of improvements since I was a child.

I realize that talking to a female and asking her out arent the same thing per say but as I said on my previous post you need to be confident when you ask her out and thats what gives me confidence.

You need to find something that helps you dealing with being nervous, otherwise your chance of stablishing some sort of relationship is lower.

If you are able to talk to her just fine in class, how is talking to her elsewhere fundamentally any different, aside from the venue and the topics of conversation?

I mean sure you have "feelings" for this chick, and you will feel those if you go out even as friends, but you feel these things in class as well and the interaction sounds like it works in there, so what's the problem?

I think for the most part people do not consciously "trick" themselves into being confident. Rather, they avoid subconsciously tricking themselves OUT of being confident. Spongy's technique above is a good example of that.

Perfect timing! She is getting her tonsils removed! Do it when that happens. She can't say no.

To spongy:
No, I don't have any close female friends. I wish I did, so I could ask them for advice.

To amazon_television:
I don't know why I get so nervous. I know talking to her outside of class shouldn't be any different from talking to her in class, I tell myself that there's nothing to be nervous about, that it's no big deal, but it doesn't pan out the way I plan. Yeah, I just need to amp up my confidence.

To TheygoMew:
lol

woah. don't listen to Good's advice. that's creepy, and takes it too far.

Could you explain?

She is definitely interested in you to some extent.

If you're in the same class(es) at school and she's asking you for help as it is, see if she'd like to study or work on homework with you outside of class. To me, It sounds like you're acquainted enough already that even asking her to join you for lunch or something small is not out of line. It doesn't have to be an official date. If you two enjoy each others' company, that'll happen anyway.

Nothing happens unless you take risks. Good luck!

By the way, if it makes you feel better, I never even held hands with a girl in a romantic way until well into my 22nd year. By the end of that year, let's say I was doing a lot more... Sometimes with a little courage, you'll be surprised at how your life can change.

Last edited by Blasty on 05 Feb 2011, 1:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Don't "ask her out" like dinner or a movie or something.

Ask her for a coffee or a drink after school.

I assume your school has a cafeteria. Think of some class related thing that you would like to talk to her about and arrange to meet her in the cafeteria.

Now you have your toe in the water. Take it from there.

saying things like "That scent is absolutely intoxicating" is an extreme turn off. It sounds fake, and like the person is trying to hard, particularly to get into your pants. Getting pushy with the descriptions is way too much.