Problems with my autistic gf

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Hey people
I joined this forum after hanging around for a few months, just reading threads, but I decided to finally make an account.

I have been going out with a high functioning autistic girl, who I am very much in love with. But we certainly have or problems...

So, the things that I feel may be because of her autism are the following.

She is often quite selfish, usually without realizing. She is often write apologetic after wards, but it still can be quite hurtful...

She will often bring up something small, creating a massive fight, and she will act like she has been thinking about it for weeks, but I don't think she has... She has said herself that it was the first time she had thought of it too... Again, when this happens, it can.be incredibly hurtful...

Whenever she feels like she is acting "autistic", she gets really upset, often to the point of tears. This isn't a problem per se, but it does make me want to do something to help her...

I feel she lies to me sometimes... Never over anything that matters, but over small things... And recently, over things that did matter a bit actually...

When we are together, I spend a lot of time paying attention to her, but she doesn't really reciprocate my actions... This may be more inexperience, but yeah....

When we talk on the phone, it is kinda noisy when I move around, and this has made her cry and kinda freak out before.... I am fairly sure this is an autistic thing, so I thought I'd mention it...

Things are really good with her. Our relationship is great... I just feel I need a little guidance with her autism... Any comments or opinions etc. would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Good for you for visiting this site and trying to learn more. I think that will make a big difference for you both.

While I was reading your post, I kept thinking that you were echoing some things an NT ex-boyfriend had told me, especially the thing about the phone, which almost made me laugh out loud because his Bluetooth actually drove me to tears once or twice, as ridiculous as that might seem. That said, you aren't the only one to have felt like this, if knowing that helps.

I would highly recommend that both you and you girlfriend read "Aspergirls" by Rudy Simone. It may have a silly title, but it's excellent! I recommend both of you read it, if she is willing, because I know that I learned a lot about my own behaviors and patterns while reading it myself. For a lot of aspies, self-awareness may not exactly be our greatest strength.

First thing which struck me was the comment that you thought she might be lying to you about things. Although possible I suppose, it strikes me as unlikely. I don't know for sure about someone with High Functioning Autism, but certainly for people with Aspergers (which is very similar, as you probably know) lying is something which is very difficult to understand, let alone do. It just doesn't occur to us. If anyone out there knows differently, please correct me on that. What it might be is that she, without even realizing it, tends to exaggerate. I do that all the time. I think it has to do with the fact that I think too much in terms of absolutes and forget that things don't have to be an extreme. I don't know if that's a common thing for Auties or not.

As for talking on the phone, I don't know what you can do about that. Background noise is hard for us to filter out, and can be really upsetting if it is too loud. because it makes it impossible to concentrate And I know that personally I really hate talking on the phone. I don't know why. I just do. So maybe that is just a common Aspie thing. Maybe consider an alternative means of communication? Sorry I can't help, but hopefully this will help make some sense out of it.

I don't know what you can do about her being selfish. It sounds like she does realize afterwards, so that's good. Hopefully it means she can start to realize at the time to and stop it.

Her not reciprocating your actions doesn't surprise me at all. Once again going from my own experience, it can be really difficult for us. Aspies and Auties just don't really know how and don't feel entirely comfortable with it. Like with me, I just don't feel comfortable with my own feelings and hate trying to explain or express them to people. But at the same time I really want to and have gotten better, so there's still hope for your girlfriend.

When she gets upset about her autistic traits I really don't know if there is anything you can do. I find when my Mom tries to give me advice it is just upsetting because neurotypicals just can't understand an Aspy's/Auty's though processes and don't see the problem. So maybe just remind her that you love her despite and because of the way she is.

Finally (sorry I took these out of order) about the fights. I guess you should just remember that Auties can be really obsessive about little things and try to understand that. When I look at myself I have certainly gotten better about not starting those sorts of fights, but they do still happen. They are probably just something you'll have to live with.

Hopefully that will be a little bit of help.

Yeah, the thing about lying seemed a little unusual to me, too. I notice, OP, that you say you 'feel' she is lying to you sometimes. Have you tried discussing your concerns with her openly? Most likely best not to let this fester.

Thank you for such detailed replies. You have given me a lot to think about.

Blueroses, thanks. I will try to find that book, and will read it. I have found useful information about autism surprisingly hard to find, so I am enthusiastic to read this book. I have found some good info, but not a lot. I find it interesting that you have been brought to tears by that. Also, I am planning on talking to get about it, but I'm unsure when.

Astrogeek, thanks too lol. You have me quite a lot of information, and I'm very grateful. Your comment about lying is interesting, and makes sense. I don't think she is lying, and there very likely is a better reason for her mis-truth. I will have to discuss this with her.

I do understand how hard it is for her on the phone, sand have been making sure to be as quiet as possible, and move as little as possible.

I see what you mean about her minimal reciprocation. After reading your insight, I will try talking to her about this as well.

Yeah, I don't really try to give her advice as such. I more try to reassure her that I don't mind her autism. It is just a part of her, and I wouldn't change it even if I could. It affects her positively in more ways than it affects her negatively, and I try to remind her if that.

Thanks again, both of you, for your very helpful information. It has given me lots to think about.

Well obviously I don't know all the details.....but as far as the selfish thing goes have you thought of trying not to take it personally? I mean just from my experiance people have described me as being too selfish.....when the truth is I tend to worry more about other people then myself. So it might be a matter of unintentionally coming off this way rather then intentional selfishness. but thats just a thought.

I think blueroses nailed this one. Well worded, too!

As far as the phone is concerned, I know I have the same reaction quite a bit of the time - though, usually not to tears. I would highly suggest other means of conversing - IMing works very well for me as does a webcam (if you can find somewhere quiet to use it and invest in a decent one that will make the audio come through clear). As far as her getting upset when she exibits autistic traits, I can get the same way...it's extremely frusturating and I really don't have any advice for you.

But regarding if you think she is lying, your best bet (imo) is to ask her directly - confront her. That really goes with any problems/disputes/etc. as it's something I've had issues with in past relationships - letting things fester under the surface will only hurt more in the end, specifically when there is someone autistic involved in the relationship.