Love - can we feel it or are we just faking it?

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How I feel when I'm love, and what that feeling means to me, isn't something I can really put into words. But I certainly do feel it.

Whatever else it may be, love is what fits your inner landscape.

No relationship is based completely on altruism.

As for whether it's "real" or not... if you believe it is, then it is, as good as it can be.

As for AS people not being able to love, that's BS. The parameters may be slightly different than society's expectations, is all.

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I agree, if I get what I think it is you are saying. Everybody's version of 'love', is slightly different, AS or not. That's why it IS just hard to find the right partner, regardless.

If you are in a relationship, then the best you can do (like the love languages theme) is to make your partner understand how you show love, and agree on what you may be able to do to show them they are loved. Sometimes it's just hard. Love isn't all joy and happiness, it's sticking by someone (not being a doormat) when things are tough.

It's a million 'things' that aren't portrayed in the movies.

Sometimes I feel like a soulless monster incapable of properly reciprocating the feelings of many guys who have feelings for me. I just freeze up and go nuts whenever it seems obvious when guys like me. Even in the few relationships I've been in I had difficulty with hugs, coddles, and kisses. The Aspie stuff already provides a load of trouble. I wonder if I only have feelings for certain guys because it's real feelings or I am just bored and really want someone new and interesting to hang out with. I just dont know anymore.

I dunno, I think your definition is as good as any.

Ultimately, there is no objective definition, even to NTs. Ask ten people what love is, and you'll get 10 different answers. If NTs can't even agree on the definition, then asking the question whether non-NTs can or can't feel it is rather academic, since there is no agreed upon standard by which to compare. Moreover, if there is a capability, it is quite possible that the lack of this capability is not a defining characteristic of all aspies, and it is also possible the relation is due to some other complicating factor such as depression or anxiety that are common co-morbid conditions, or there is no relation between the two at all.

It seems to me that this question is rooted in the gap between the internal world and the external world which plays such an important role for us on the spectrum. I think we can feel anything an NT can feel, but since the dividing line between our inner and outer realities is so much more stark than NTs, it's often more difficult to translate what we're feeling internally into some outward expression, and it's also more difficult to interpret and reciprocate feelings of love and attraction directed toward us because we are more apt to misinterpret the information, and take longer to process it. The process of love is thus slower, more drawn out, and more fraught with potential confusion and conflict.

Much of psychology still functions by establishing a norm for behavior based on the majority and defining all deviations sufficiently far from this norm as some level of dysfunction. It is easy to conclude that love does not exist for the aspie when it is defined by observations taken mainly from NTs. It is easy to overlook the fact that a process involving one person with a vastly different psychology will probably look so different from the norm, it may not even be understood as what it is. Imagine if aliens crashed on earth about 500 years ago before biology was well understood. Further, imagine that their blood was green rather than red. Scientists would no doubt disagree on the nature of this green substance. Some would say that it must be that they had no blood, since we have not observed blood in any animal to be of any color other than red, while others would maintain that the green substance was blood, and that our definition of "blood" must be changed to fit this new situation. I think perhaps that aspie love is sufficiently different than NT love, it may not be readily recognized as such.

Furthermore, consistent failures in this and other social arenas from an early age lead to anxiety and fear related to these issues. We get a lot of advice from people who mean well but who are basing their advice on NT assumptions which are not valid. We doubt ourselves because we see how different we are, and it is quite natural and logical for one to conclude that the deficiency is likelier to be in the minority than the majority. Our natural process thus gets further corrupted when we attempt to be more "normal", and we can easily conclude that we are incapable and simply give up or decide the reward isn't worth the effort. The many aspies that do this lend further credence to the idea that we are incapable of love, and the vicious circle repeats.

The problem with love is it means so many things.

Not all of them are even emotional. There's one sense of 'love' that isn't even an emotion!

But as far as the emotions of love, yes, I can feel them perfectly fine. All of them, to my knowledge.

I don't know. I find it confusing. Sometimes I like to do nice things for the people I love. I hug people in my family because they want me to, not because I'm expressing anything. I think it makes them happy, so I do it. It's important to them and they are important to me, so I try to do things that make them happy. Love is weird. Maybe it's a misnomer altogether.

Love is a very simple and easy concept. It is common, can be easy to give and easy to receive, requiring only that the individuals involved are willing to connect with each other, serve each other, and not have unrealistic expectations.

People complicate it because they believe it must be a magical, unobtainable, special thing creating tremendous unending bliss that only the truly worthy can have with one person once in a lifetime. It's a mythology.

It's not a unicorn, it's just love. For goodness sakes, if people can be so critical of the idea of religious beliefs, you'd think they would've figured out that love aint rocket science.

what it is when I feel it, but I no for sure when I don't.
The moment I ask myself whether I really love this person or whether we should stay together, and the answer is "I'm not sure", then I know I don't or we shouldn't.

@techstep makes an interesting point. If you do feel a "shortage of emotional bond" to those close to you, I'd encourage you to consider the possibility of a co-morbidity. While the final chapter certainly hasn't been written about Asperger's, the DSM IV doesn't include an impaired ability to form an emotional bond and/or attachment with intimate partners as a recognized symptom of AS.

Love has made me slit my wrists and bury my face in a toilet (yes I was sober) I'm pretty confident I don't fake it.

Why would someone think we weren't capable of love?

I think primarily because of misdiagnosis. Aspies are very capable of love, but AS may not be the only issue a person is dealing with. Certain co-morbidities may render an Aspie less than capable of forming loving, intimate relationships. I dated an Aspie who (I believe) had a significant co-morbidity. I found out after the relationship was over that he was essentially faking his way through it - behaving the way he believed people in relationships "should" behave. It was a devastating discovery for me, because of course, I absolutely believed he was being genuine - and I allowed myself to become quite enamored of him. It was difficult to see the relationship end, and exponentially more difficult to realize that I'd been played. I mean, every relationship has the potential to end in heartache, but who would take that risk if they knew the relationship had no chance to succeed?

Well I know I can feel love... but whether someone else can feel love for me is still very much up in the air

Why is nearly every post from you a ploy for pity and validation from others?