Question about autism and dating.

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I am currently 28 years old, I have never had a girlfriend although I have tried thousands and thousands of times, I have never gotten the opportunity to kiss anyone and yet I am an officer in many clubs and school functions.

When I approach girls i often get rejected ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, they NEVER return any of my questions and I often get the vibe that I AM NOT EVEN REMOTELY BOYFRIEND MATERIAL.

Personally, I have asperger syndrome and also bipolar disorder, and when I try to discuss this with my parents they will NOT go anywhere and continually say oh ur autistic u dont know these things. Yet, I get VERY CLEAR vibes people are NOT AT ALL coumfortable around me and often do not know what to make of me. I used to be very addicted to marijuana and would hang out with thugs, gang members and would use marijuana and alcohol to escape negative thoughts. I would have some friends who really were not good for me, often wanting me to go to divey clubs where they wanted to find girls and I would end up smoking up with rough people. Now, however I feel as if it has written me off in the dating world, and I find myself as an "ice breaker" when im in a group, only to be rejected by the very girl that starts trying to connect with the other guys I am with. If i join an activity, i feel shunned by all the women and I believe the bipolar is making me look like a "player type" to people because of the behaviors it can trigger. When I was in graduate school studying Environmental Studies and VERY active in all sorts of clubs and activites and events, there was NOT A SINGLE PERSON who even found me remotely attractive and only one girl seemed to like me, yet she did not want to get anywhere with me.

Because of this, I feel as if I am a damaged person and maybe that I am just some deadbeat people would NOT want anything to do with. I feel like the opposite of most people on the spectrum because people tell me that they could never tell i have autism or any social impairment, yet I often find myself so sexually frustrated and rejected that I cannot maintain an erection for 2 seconds at all. If i was waiting in line for a club or event or class or bar or anywhere and girls were in front of me, and I asked them if the music was good they would blow me off, even if I was asking for directions. THEY DO NOT WANT TO EVEN ASSOCIATE WITH ME. Even worse, i had a great conversation with this girl at a party, and she said she did not agree with profiling............and she was mentioning the thug look and almost referring to me as a thug. I believe this has gotten me shunned because if my parents are around they get better responses out of people.

When i try to tell my parents whats happening, they say oh ur handsome u just have no social smart and are socially blind u have autism and u have it better than most people u just want to be single. I believe they are being ignorant and pigheaded, and I think the bipolar is what may really scare people. I have this tendency to get VERY jealous and almost ENRAGED when i find someone i am attracted to talking to another guy and i try to control it and will have this tingling feeling if i see even women talking to them so I discuss this with a councelor because I do not want to be creepy.

Anyways, I want some insight,
thanks

It sounds to me like those girls were shallow jerks. It's unfortunate but there are many women (and men) who solely judge potential mates on superficial qualities. If you really want to attract that kind of women you could alter your appearance, learn to schmooze a bit, or just show off money if you've got it. But honestly, you deserve better than someone like that. You need to try to meet women who relate to you, and befriend them without stressing over a relationship. If you happen to hit it off with someone romantically, great, if not you can at least make yourself more comfortable around them. Bars and School clubs probably aren't the best place to meet the kind of people who will relate to you either. Dare I say it, but you may want to try an online dating service. There is a large variety of people on those sites, and you can introduce yourself and get to know each other through writing, which may be less stressful than approaching someone out of the blue.

I think you can definitely find someone, but you need to find someone you can be honest with. Find someone who will accept your problems and be prepared to accept hers. These women may be in the minority, but they do exist.

Though I will tell you that the jealousy thing is a big turnoff to most women because it implies you don't trust them. So that is something to work on.

Good luck.

Have you tried looking in the Love and Dating forum here on WP? I think you will find many people there who share some of your troubles.

It's hard for me to know why this is happening to you, but I thought maybe you could be giving off vibes of extreme discomfort and desperation? Just a thought. I felt that way for years, and it was only experience that got me to calm down and start looking at the whole dating game from a less distorted point of view. I definitely felt annoyed when I saw other couples doing well together, because it reminded me of what I couldn't have.

But I'd have to watch you in action to really know what was going on.

I wouldn't bother with clubs or any other sleazy-looking pick-up joints. I think places like that are for hard-hearted people and one-night-standers etc. Ideally I think finding partners should be a natural spin-off of making friends and learning to relate to people....I think that if anybody takes a genuine empathic interest in people will have less trouble finding a mate - it could take a long time but it does happen eventually, I think.

- Be patient
- Feel confidence
- Search for empathy, give empathy
- Ask the opinion of your best friend(s)
- Online is better for dating then clubs
- Hiking, looking for someone at your workplace
- Take repulse with ease, don't expect much form dates, again, be patient and confident
- Expect less outside, more inside (look vs. soul)
- Try little tricks for sexual approach (light touch, holding hand)
- Always observe and listen. Don't talk too much
- Be gradual
- Try not to be a friend (though it's good sometimes)
- Think of yourself as a man

Thats all for the time being. I'm 38 on Monday, I had only one relationship so long.

Moving this to Love and Dating.

Human beings, hate to say it, are animals first and people second. The reason why you're running into this is exactly what you're suggesting - body language. I learned when I was in my early 20's, even with scores of friends, it didn't matter how many people would like and respect me once they got to know me, nothing would ever change for those who don't and the countless thousands of people I brush past every day dwarf the amount of people who do know who I am.

My advice - just learn to understand that its animalistic, body language will always be much louder than words, in that sense while you should work on social skills if they're lacking - they'll only get you so far (ie. if you seem normal people will give you a certain amount of room, however if people read your body language and expect strange things from you - its nigh impossible to be perfect enough). I would work on doing things that lend you more of a natural sense of authority. If people see authority in your body language they'll give you more leniency. Overall though this isn't a problem you can fix, you can do little things to hide it but - I don't care how much you're willing to pound on yourself to beat the circuits into submission, I tried that when I was younger, became my own worst bully, and learned the hard way that its like a dog trying to beat itself into being a cat, these things are too fundamental and structural to change.