I just dumped the girl I'm dating

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I'd like to say she was a girlfriend, but she never agreed to be my girlfriend yet about a few weeks ago she said that I'd better not have sex with anybody else. We see each other almost every day, do things outside of just sex with each other, and we're super affectionate with one another. That's how girlfriends behave. Recently, I was at a party and some girl was creeping on me hard, and I rejected her. I did this mainly because I thought I'd hurt the girl I'm "dating" if I accepted her advances. I thought the story was kind of funny (I've left all the details out here, but trust me, it was hilarious), so I recounted it for the girl I'm dating.

In response to the story, she said "it's okay if you sleep with other girls, so long as you don't tell me." At this point, I kind of snapped because such a statement typically means that it also applies vice versa. Personally, I would never sleep with other girls when I'm dating someone, being affectionate with them, having sex multiple times with them almost every day, connecting with them as a person, and giving them a part of my heart. That's not me. I want to be in love. I hope that's what the other side wants, too.

Background on her (let's call her jessie): she's slept with 17 guys at the age of 21, she's never had a boyfriend, I'm the first guy she's "dated", she's never had feelings for anyone (doubtful of this) and she's never had emotional sex (also doubtful of this). Objectively speaking, what I think happens with her is that she has very high physical standards. The guys she likes will never seriously date her because they want to date models (she's cute, but not cute enough to exclusively date Tom Cruise). All they will do is hump/dump her when they're drunk at a party or desperate for sex. Outside of these things, she's a wonderful person. Extremely stable, very supportive, great cook, sweet, etc. Everything you'd want.

Background on me: When we met, I was due to be leaving this state in several months. I'm still leaving by the end of the summer. Love is easy come, easy go for me. Sure, it hurts to lose someone due to geographical constraints, but it's better to love once than to never have loved someone at all.

So, I tell her my rationale for disliking that statement. This morning, I wake up and tell her we can't do this anymore before I leave and I tell her that we're entirely incompatible with our views on relationships and love (or lack thereof). She can't have my heart (aka affection and care) and then go around having sex with other guys (I don't even think she has, but I don't care, you can't do this kind of stuff in a relationship where the possibility is open). She started crying and asked if I was dumping her. In response, I said, "This isn't a relationship according to you. How do I ditch you when there is no defined beginning or end?" I can tell she cares about me a lot, but not in a way that I can possibly come to understand. I waffled out of breaking up with her and said sorry, but this entire non-relationship has a gross taste to it now.

Did I do the right thing? I think for all intents and purposes this non-relationship is done now. If she weren't seeing her father for the first time in 4 mos, I'd call her right now and explain to her why she can't have her cake and eat it, too. She needs to grow the f*ck up.

Well, 17 guys seems like a lot of partners by the age of 21. I don't think her problem is really that she's trying to pull outside of her "level." I think it's much more likely a self-esteem issue created by some type of abuse or neglect. I don't think she expects fidelity from a guy, because she probably has never gotten it. I mean, she's never been in a relationship, so she's never had the pretense of fidelity, right? She probably just assumed that you were like every other guy she's banged around with - just looking for some girl to bang around with. It's even probable that she thought that recounting the story of your encounter with the other girl was a veiled attempt to ask permission to sleep around. Since she gave you "permission" (whether that's what she wanted or not), she probably can't understand why you wanted to end your relationship.

Look, it seems like this girl has got issues, but I don't think it's "having her cake and eating it too." I think it's more that she's learned some hard lessons by allowing guys to treat her badly, and she assumed that's what you would do, too. I guess you're the only one who knows if you're willing to invest the time and energy it will take to work through her flawed expectations with her. It seems like a lot to go through when you're planning to move away in a short amount of time.

Your rational makes the most sense to me givin' the information you provided, but is it not possible that she thought she could only keep you by 'allowing' you other women? Or is that just not possible?

Regardless of your intent towards this girl I think you should be honest with her. Think it all through before talking to her: what you want from relationships in general, if the non-relationship has any possibility of being salvaged into a relationship, how you'd like to proceed, etc.

Ask her why she said what she did though, because it could be that she's very insecure and (as HopeGrows said) she could think it's the only way to keep you. If she says it's because she wants to sleep around, that tells you for sure that she's not compatible with you.

Talking about it even if you are planning on finishing this non-relationship will bring closure. It is difficult to have these kind of relationship talks though and often people don't have them because of the difficulty but they are worth having.

ah, please disregard my post then, as I'm sure you already have.

Isn't it obvious? It's an emotionally disturbed girl with psychological issues.

roadGames,

Dude, you are having sex with a girl which is more than most of the guys here can say.

You know you are not going to marry her and build a life together, so why worry about the details?

These are the best days of your life. This is the time you will fondly recall when you are fat and fifty.

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may".

In other words shut up and enjoy the ride.

OP, I find your view on relationships too limiting. I think I have more in common with the woman you dumped. I think it is more efficient to enjoy what you can with whomever is easiest rather than expecting and struggling to fulfill, or be fulfilled by, one person.

If it's what you wanted then it was the right thing. There is no other standard in dating.

I was once in a similar situation. I was sleeping with a chaotic girl while preparing to move from a city. There was nothing serious about it but honesty was expected. I sensed that she was seeing other men and asked her about it. She lied of course so I broke it off. I wasnt upset, I just don't like drama. She became very emotional and pleaded for the relationship to continue, which surprised me as it wasnt serious at all. I relented and saw her for a bit longer before I left. The chaotic behavior continued. I don't think she cared about the relationship at all, she just didnt want to be dumped. lol.