Dealing with a meltdown in a long-term relationship

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Um...there are other forms of abuse than just physical. Verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse.

Here is a list of traits that could show that you are in a abusive relationship, do any of these sound familiar?

Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
Abuses drugs or alcohol.
Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
Has a history of bad relationships.
Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

The only thing on that list that rings true for me is that he rages in meltdowns. But again, everything I know about ASD says that's common. He's very loving, supportive, encourages me to be social with my friends, and not in the least jealous.

Well, try talking to him to see what triggers meltdowns to see if there's anything you can do to help. But as many people in this forum will tell you, AS is not an excuse for raging at anyone. Just be careful, that's all.

I have to ask - did you read any of my longer posts? We did just that last night and this morning when he was in a calmer state. I do definitely appreciate the concern, and I think it's important for me to set some limits on what is and is not okay during a meltdown. I'm hoping that some of the strategies me and him discussed will help in the future.

Nope. Tl;dr. You gotta realize that a lot of us have very short attention spans and long posts are kind of intimidating, especially when I do enough reading for school as it is.

I've followed the whole thread so far. I've had PLENTY of meltdowns some for compunded stress on top of compounded stress, some for just letting myself stay on the same frustrating task for too long, a few for minor things that make no sense to have melted down over later. They may be par for the course, but to direct one AT a loved one is *unacceptable*. Period. The friends who have called me on it are dead right to have done so. I consider myself to have zero right to point that at a loved one.

My 2 cents.

Whew. With me, changing the subject to talking about me when I am in the middle of some kind of problem used to result (no longer) in my wife soon finding spittle dripping from the end of her nose ... and that is why I had said what I did about letting your actions (and not mere words) reveal to him your trustworthiness as someone who is not a threat to him.


Destructive behaviour is destructive and needs to be stopped even though it is defensive in nature and not outright abuse (as it would be if same destructive behaviour were offensive in nature). So in one way or another, he needs to do something now (while feeling fine, and this may take a long time) to find a way to render himself non-destructive while having a meltdown. Autism can explain certain behaviours, but it does not justify or excuse destructiveness. My wife and I ended up divorced (and now re-married for many years) after our first couple of years of marriage, and "One or the other of us is eventually going to get hurt badly" was the reason we gave the judge for that dissolution. And before anyone might try to put all of that on me, my wife would tell you she once seriously considered taking me out (bashing my head in) with my own large cast-iron skillet during my sleep. People might find straight-jackets repulsive for troubled people, but I later ended up working in a place where we did not hesitate in using them to protect people and/or others from themselves ... and now my own "straight-jacket" that holds me within bounds during troubled times is self-imposed ... and you would be wise to be sure your fiance finds some way to begin doing the same before you actually do find yourself in a situation where replacing smashed furniture or possibly even covering a bruise begins getting really old.


Dealing with meltdowns in exchange for that: Yes.
Dealing with destructive behaviour in exchange for that: No.

Keep us posted!

OP, you're in a difficult situation. My concern is that your own issues and dysfunctional background, combined with what is likely a misdiagnosis of your fiance's condition are creating conditions that could easily result in tragedy.

Look, your fiance is violent. Engaging in the behavior he does, e.g., breaking your kitchen table in half with his fist, destroying remote controls, picture frames, shelves, punching holes in the wall, "coming at you" or directing his anger at you as if he would be physically violent (a.k.a., intimidation) are all textbook examples of violent behavior. You need to face that reality, and accept that your fiance is engaging in violent behavior - and his violent behavior seems to be escalating. I know it's easy to lose perspective when you've been living with violence for an extended period of time - but it takes one hell of a lot of force to break a kitchen table in half with one's fist. When he is in a rage, he is a dangerous man.

That leads me to my next point, which is that it is fair to consider all of a person's behavior when assessing their character. It's not only fair - it's your responsibility. None of us gets to own only the behavior we're proud of - we have to own all of our behavior. There is nothing we do that is "out of character" - nothing. We can't make someone else responsible for the behavior we're not proud of. The ugly, violent behavior is just as much a part of your fiance's character as all of the wonderful things about him.

By refusing to acknowledge that his violent behavior is a real issue that is damaging you and your relationship, you are enabling it to continue. That's a very dangerous decision to make - particularly for someone with your background, and your definition of abuse. A man who has enough strength, and enough adrenaline to hit a table enough times to break it in half - and not feel the pain - could do considerable damage to a human body. My fear - and it's a real fear - is that if he gives himself permission to hit you, he will strike with such force that you may not survive.

In terms of your own background, IMO it's very easy to see why you're with your fiance. You're attributing his violent behavior to his disability - which to you, makes it excusable (I'll cover the potential misdiagnosis is a bit). You attribute your father's violent behavior to his alcoholism - which I assume, you consider inexcusable (because alcoholism is something which can be remedied - unlike autism). You've experienced physical abuse at the hands of your father, so anything less than physical abuse doesn't even register as abuse to you. Your father set your threshold for abuse quite high by treating you the way he did - and that is endangering your physical safety even today. Additionally, you have chosen to be in a relationship in which a small misinterpretation of words, a small disagreement, a lack of patience, etc., can escalate into violence. Actions don't have proportionate consequences, the smallest thing can set him off, a lot of the time he's actually sweet and loving and kind. In short, you're living in an environment that seems extremely unpredictable - you're living in chaos. How is that very different from the environment in which you were raised? When you didn't know when your father would come home wasted and beat the living crap out of you for breathing the wrong way?

There are some differences, though. You're an adult, you're looking for solutions, you're admitting some responsibility, you're trying to find a way out of the chaos. The problem is that until your fiance is doing all of those things with you, all you're doing is re-creating the chaos of your childhood: the most important person in your life is unstable, angry, violent - and on a hair trigger. You're walking on eggshells, trying to figure out what you can do to bring order to your life, what you can do to control the situation - to make it impossible for him to bring the chaos. Unfortunately, the answer is nothing. You cannot create an environment he is unable to disrupt.

In terms of your fiance's diagnosis, he probably is Aspie. However, he is almost certainly dealing with at least one co-morbidity. He has a very serious, very real problem with rage. You've heard Aspie after Aspie tell you that his behavior is not indicative of Asperger's - and it's not. He also has some serious self-esteem issues (when you ruled out his solution to your gaming issue, he reacted as though you called him "stupid"). He clearly has little in the way of coping skills, which makes me wonder if he, too didn't grow up in a dysfunctional family. What you're missing here, is that while there are certain aspects of AS that you're always going to have to deal with, co-morbid conditions can be treated. I hope you can get him to a psychiatrist (preferably at a teaching hospital with staff that specializes in autism and co-morbid conditions) and get him a very thorough evaluation.

It sounds like you are acknowledging some of your behaviors that need to change - which is great. But your fiance needs to make that same acknowledgement: his behavior needs to change (as well as the way you interact with each other). IMO, he needs to get into therapy to treat his co-morbid condition(s), his rage, his self-esteem. That means he has to acknowledge that he's part of the problem. If he's unwilling to do that - and to do the work - your situation will not change. You can turn yourself inside out trying to proactively counter his instability with a thousand different behavioral strategies of your own - until you come to the realization that you alone can't solve this problem. He's got to be equally responsible.

I write all of this without reproach. I was engaged to a man who had the same type of issues. I loved him, I wanted it to work out between us. I had to make a very difficult choice: sign up for a lifetime of heartache, or leave. I left.

Finally, I hope that you put off marriage (and children) until you have made progress on these problems. To bring children into the situation you have now would be to re-create your own childhood for your children. Honestly, no child deserves to cower in fear while daddy puts his fist through the wall.

WHAT ?!?! A woman with a past involving an alcoholic abusive father living with and making excuses for violent abusive behavior from a spouse or boyfriend ?? Shocking ! Who'd have thought...

I know I sound like a grade A D-bag, but I lost patience with "but I love him" a very long time ago. Go ahead and pay attention to Hope Grows
if you can see past your own self deluding. I don't have the patience, but she seems to and wants to help you for real. This *IS* potentially your life at risk.

I'll repeat that one just so there's no question what I mean. This **IS** potentially your life at risk.

Been there, done that, went to the funeral.

Violence and abuse are cyclical-
the person who held you and comforted you over a bad exam is not somehow more who this man "really" is than the one who punches walls and screams.

I totally agree with HopeGrow's excellent assessment of the situation, but even going all the way out on a limb:

1. These episodes ARE resultant of Autism.
2. Violence is the only way he can decompress his feelings.
3. Abusing YOU is the only way he can decompress his feelings.
4. He is genuinely SORRY for his behaviors.
5. He is willing to seek help to control them.

(I, by the way, didn't see evidence of any of these in what you said.)

at this point in time, I would END this relationship until he gets some substantive help.

There is absolutely NOTHING positive in him that outweighs the very real risk of you being injured.

I'm sorry- this sounds to me like a classic abuse cycle. Most of you know those usually only end when someone leaves, or someone dies.

I only wish that were an overdramatization. It's not.

Sure enough, HopeGrows delivers another excellent post. Gigglesqueak, I'm guessing you won't like what HopeGrows has said, and I understand it's hard to accept 'tough love' like that, but she does know what she is saying and I, too, have to agree with her views and assessments even though I've never been in either your shoes or your fiancee's. It isn't acceptable for you to be doing everything and him to be doing nothing. It is possible to learn to restrain your impulses, and he needs to do that and to create some kind of safety valve which stops him becoming violent when he melts down. While it is very honourable of you not to leave him in the current circumstances when many others would, you must get him to stop his violence before he finally snaps and does take it out on you. I'm sure you love him, and I'm sure he loves you, but this has to stop and he has to play his own part in that process.

*hugs*

Yes. His meltdowns and his violent behaviour need to be viewed separately and to become mutually exclusive so his violent behaviour can be stopped altogether. For myself, that began with going to my wife during our separation and making a commitment to find out and to do whatever would be required so I would never do any of the violent stuff again.

open.

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

eyes.

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry we're not telling you what you want to hear, but everyone responding had lived it from one side or the other.
If your plan is to make excuses and pretend that's your business, but you brought it to a public forum and every single
person is telling you something very similar based on first person experience.

Good luck, hope the funeral part of that doesn't come to pass.

If you had any idea who I was or how we were together in real life, you would probably not be near as concerned for my safety. Again, no need for the snarky comments.