Wedding anxiety

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So I'm engaged. We've been friends, and dated on and off, for almost ten years now. I couldn't be happier to be marrying him, and fate willing, I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. But I'm not looking forward to the wedding. I tried to talk him into eloping, but unlike me, he is a sucker for a party, and he wants one with all of our friends and family there. Which in theory, I totally support, despite not really "getting" the whole wedding thing in general. But in practice....the more I think about the realities of the day, the more I dread it.

It's not just the typical AS stuff like not wanting to be the center of attention and having trouble negotiating social customs, or the typical tomboy stuff about finding a dress that isn't so girly that I hate it. I feel like can handle all of that, make the best of it even if I won't love it the way most other brides seem to. Mostly, it's the "all our friends and family" part that's freaking me out. One of my favorite Albert Einstein quotes is, “I have never belonged wholeheartedly to a country, a state, nor to a circle of friends, nor even to my own family.” That's me. For almost six years now, I haven't had any close friends. ANY. I'm friendly with people, and I've had close friends a few times before, but I haven't met anyone in years that I had a real connection with. I feel like I just don't "get" other people, and they don't "get" me. And really, that doesn't bother me most of the time. My boyfriend is the best friend I could ask for, and the rest of my social needs are covered pretty well by the internet and casual interactions in public with strangers.

But a few days ago, while thinking about how to mitigate the awkwardness of feeling like everyone watching sees much more significance in the ceremony than I do, that it's going to be even worse, because none of those people watching will be "my" people. I'm not, and never have been, close to my family. My parents are good parents, they taught me to think well and provided anything I needed in childhood, but they're not "my" people the way his friends and family are "his" people. Though we've already agreed to not have a wedding party (no bridesmaids or groomsmen), I'm still really worried that it will be blindingly obvious to everyone there that all of "our" friends are really his friends. His friends who are incredibly nice to me, and have been pretty good about making me feel included whenever I'm hanging out with him, his friends who I've mostly managed to act normal around, his friends who I would like to prevent pitying me for not having friends of my own. I don't want everyone to think he's marrying a loser who can't make her own friends, and I don't want my parents to feel like they raised a daughter who's incapable of emotionally connecting with other people. And for myself, I don't to want to feel like he's surrounded by by all these people he has rich emotional connections with, while I might as well be alone. I do want him to have the wedding that he wants - happy, a celebration. And that, in large part, depends on me being able to pull it together and be something approaching happy myself, instead of being tied in knots over feeling like a wedding is just a charade, where I will badly act out emotional significance that I don't feel, while everyone around me slowly realizes that I'm a loser robot with no friends.

And I feel incredibly emotionally stunted, being this upset (tears have happened a few times already) over something that seems so high school when I'm only a couple years away from 30. So I'm asking WrongPlanet, because although I've never posted here, I come and read sometimes when I'm feeling like an outsider, just to remind myself that there's other people like me out there, feeling like I do. What do I do?

TL;DR: The idea of being seen as a friendless loser at my own wedding makes me almost wish I hadn't found true love. =/

You're thinking too much.

Don't give a s**t.

Enjoy your wedding and congrats.

Going to a wedding is hard enough for me. I can't imagine being the center of attention. That's probably one of several reasons why I would never get married.

Best you can do now is muscle through. Maybe start drinking a little. No wedding party is a great idea. That's where the excruciating public dancing as a couple would take place. Maybe you can select short vows. Then it's pretty much in and out and then leave for a honeymoon. Done.

This is who you are. If he's done his homework he already knows all of this. Let him know you are stressed and need some corner-cutting here and there.

Boo, that's the whole point - I am afraid I won't be *able* to enjoy the wedding, and that my unhappiness will ruin it for him.

Simon, we are actually having a wedding "party" in that we are having a reception, a few hours long, after the ceremony (which will be short). That's the whole point of a wedding, for him - to have a party with everyone he knows (ugh, ugh). We are not having a wedding party in that we are not having bridesmaids or groomsmen (the people other than the bride and groom that participate in the ceremony are called the wedding party). So that's where my worries come in....that at the reception, it will be blindingly obvious that the only people there, besides my family, are there for him.

But I do plan to start drinking early....I guess I just have to hope that will be enough to get me through.

Oh right, right. Ive been in a wedding party before. heh.

Yeah, I would just drink a bit and pray for brevity.

First, I love the bold-faced TL;DR version! You haven't lost your sense of humor in this stressful situation and that's wonderful!

Next, don't have a wedding. I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed and intimidated by having to invite a bunch of people and none of them are close friends. There are plenty of wedding/honeymoon packages that you can buy that will put you on a plane to somewhere tropical where you'll exchange vows barefoot on a gorgeous beach and then spend the rest of the week enjoying the atmosphere before heading home as newlyweds for a happily married life. This experience comes out to about the same, if not less, than what a traditional wedding with all the bells and whistles (that everybody is convinced is somehow necessary).

This is your day with your groom. This is the start of your life together. Make it yours. If you're uncomfortable with anything, don't do it. Design it for you as a couple.

I can't not have a wedding. He wants one, badly. We've talked about why I don't want one, why I feel like I won't have fun, but it's really important to him to have his friends and family be there to celebrate with him. It certainly would be easier if I could just say, "hey my needs trump yours, so we're eloping", but marriage is supposed to be about both people getting their needs met, and compromising. The guest list is much smaller than he was originally thinking, and that's something. I guess I've narrowed it down to a few options:

A) Prefunk a little before the wedding, drink even more at the reception, try to be "normal" enough that maybe people won't notice everyone on the guest list is his friend, try not to care if they do notice, and if I can't manage all of the above, insist on a venue that makes it easy to remove myself from the party without it being too noticable (actually, that might be a good idea anyway). Pros: I shouldn't care this much anyway, so maybe it would be character building to act that way. Cons: makes me feel a bit like an alcoholic.

B) Go craigslist shopping for a few friends? Pros: I guess I need friends anyway. Cons: weird and awkward.

Make friends with your fiance's friends and family? If he loves you then his friends should think you're cool too.

I imagined that there'd be a similar situation if I were to marry. The mental image of my SO's part of the guests consisting of a lot more people than my part amuses me.

I like to think that everyone has an equal number of points to spent on characteristics. This means that if one chooses to put more in social (more friends) they will have less for another characteristic. This way there are no better or worse people. People won't have to pity me for having less friends than what is considered an average number of friends.
The funny thing about averages is that there are always people above and below that line.

On a more practical note, I doubt that all of the guests know each other. I don't think that all of them will ask every other guest how they know the happy couple.
I've been to a few weddings. I spoke to two or three people, had some food and something to drink, and went home. I don't recall anyone (other than the happy couple) going past all the guests for conversation.

If seating guests is the problem, then you could have the relatives sit on the front row(s), and everyone else on the rows behind either family.

People who know me, know that I'm not one for all these social gatherings like clubs and whatnot. I also spend some time online to join in on some social interaction. It only makes sense that if I were to marry, my online friends probablly wouldn't (be able to) make it.

I'm not sure if the above was of any help. Feel free to disregard it if it wasn't.

I just got married a few weeks ago and I was nervous too for many of the same reasons you are, but it all turned out fine. My husband was much in the same situation you are in- he doesn't have any friends and isn't particularly close to his family. He very much keeps to himself, and this became a bit of a problem when he was doing things like picking who was going to be his groomsmen and best man. He ended up having my 10 year old cousin as his best man, my uncle, my brother, and his brother in law who he hardly knows. You would think that that would've been awkward for him, but it wasn't. Everyone in his party was really welcoming to him, they showed up to the wedding in their tuxes, had a good time, and then left. It was no biggie, it was what it was and my husband is who he is, everyone accepted that fact including himself, and because of that everyone ended up having a good time in their own way. Even my husband! Basically what happened was we had our ceremony, everyone got all sappy except for the bride and groom, and then the party started and everyone just did their own thing, and my husband and I basically were just able to sit down at the head table and do our own thing.

My advice to you would be to make it your own day, accept that your wedding isn't going to be the average wedding, and just focus on little things that will make you enjoy it more. Things like getting a dress that you really like, or picking the decorations that are really you. For me the little things like choosing an eclectic jazz band and the food that both my husband and myself really love really helped to get me excited about the wedding and to enjoy it more. Who cares if you won't have anyone close to you there, you'll have your husband who you love and that's the most important thing. Just focus on him and enjoy your time together.

Congrats by the way!

I was thinking the same thing. A few years ago, when I was planning a wedding that never was, I was in a very similar position. (And, by the way, I related to pretty much everything you had to say, OP, so you are not alone!) It was very much an opposites attract sort of situation, as the guy I almost married was/is one of the biggest 'people persons' I've ever met and the day would not have been meaningful for him unless he could share it with others ... a lot of others.

Personally, I wanted the marriage, but, honestly just couldn't see the point of the wedding itself. He was willing to go for a 'small wedding,' but our ideas of what constituted a small wedding varied a great deal. When we started talking about a destination wedding, though, it forced him to start thinking about who was most important to him, ie. who he really needed to be there and who he could live without inviting. Bringing that up might be an exercise in learning to prioritize, if nothing else--lol.

The thing is, though, that when a dynamic like what you described above exists in a relationship, it won't go away after the wedding. These sorts of feelings you're having now may creep up on you again at other times, like during the holidays, family reunions and other big get-togethers, for example. So, I hope the two of you can work out a solution you're both able to be okay with for the wedding, in order to set a precendent for other situations to come.

I'd try to get out of the ceremony, push for eloping or something small. Weddings are evil, I think. They are ostentatious, a silly attempt at middle class and lower class people to feel upper class for a few hours, and a colossal waste of money which could've been used for a house payment, car, or at least a rockin' honeymoon.

Not to mention weddings are so fascist in their layout. Gotta have the wedding planner. Gotta cut the cake, gotta toss the f*****g bouquet, and do the f*****g chicken dance. It's the most important day of a couple's life, and they choose to make it like ever other wedding. Cattle!

And for me, marriage, is deeply personal, and I would want to be private with it. Why must it be public? Why bring friends and family? To get their blessing? What business is it of theirs? And weddings are a way to show off, and make the single people feel like they're doing something wrong. Weddings are a construct by society, to make sure we all stay in line.

The wedding is important. You only do it once. You can always have recommittment ceremonies, or a party further down the road, once you know it'll last. Won't you feel stupid throwing an expensive wedding, only to have it end in divorce 18 months later?

Go with your gut. Do something simple, free from prying eyes and the pressure and imprimatur of society. And if your significant other can't work with you on this, you may rethink this whole thing. Because if you can't arrive at a compromise on a big thing, what about small things, or when you have kids to worry about? You gotta make sure this person is WORTH spending your life with. Good luck.

@Wabbit, that does help actually. I've been a guest to several wedding before too, but some reason it didn't hit me until you said it that not everyone will know everyone else. Dur. And what you said about seating sparked an idea in me - rather than have the traditional seating (the groom's side vs the bride's side), now I want to have everyone mixed together. That way people can sit whereever they want, and it will be far less obvious that I have 20 people there compared to his 80. Phew!

@doeintheheadlights, those details - decorations, food - are actually what I've liked best about wedding planning. You're so right, I just need to focus on what I *will* enjoy, instead of what I might not. And what you said about accepting that it won't necessarily be "average" - reminds me that I think it's important to accept that I'm not "average" (NT) every day. I don't like thinking that I should be a certain way on a day-to-day basis just because most people are that way, so why does this wedding thing trip me up and have me thinking that?

@blueroses, thanks, that is good advice about keeping this dynamic in mind for the future. Yeah, my idea of a small wedding is like 20 people max - his idea of a small wedding is 100 people!! Funny how that works. Sorry to hear your wedding didn't happen, but you seem so balanced still, which is reassuring to me.

@Brianruns10, I feel the same f***ing way! Fascist indeed, with all these expectations of following tradition to a T...and yeah, I don't get how they Disney-inspired vision of "true love", with your "soulmate" being so unique to you, means that you celebrate it by.......doing exactly what every other person who's found a life partner has done. I don't know why people generally don't see the irony in that. My fiance actually agrees with me on some of that, so we will have a very non-traditional ceremony/reception - no bouquet throwing, no "first dance", maybe no cake at all!! I don't like cake anyway, tastes like bread with too much sugar in it. =S

Anyway, thanks everyone, I am feeling significantly better about this today than I was yesterday.