How do you bounce back from "cheating"?

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Not to be an element of suspiciousness, but if I were in your shoes I'd be wondering how many more "one time things" she'll have.

I'm sorry that you both have had to go through that. I have also had to endure the more extensive cheating and lies. Both ended in those "dear John" types of letters. One was simply a horrible choice of a girlfriend. The other is bipolar and was undiagnosed at the time. It was not a good combination for us. Eleven years later and we are actually friends again. I think this may be it for me in terms of dating if it does not work out. I do not have it left in me to go this way again.



I am terrified of this. Between the fear and the hurt, my body is not dealing well. I have not been able to eat in four days. I trust her but the fear is still in the back of my mind. We have had several small, but good, conversations surrounding it. I think she may want to just drop it completely at this point. She does not understand why the kiss bothers me so much. I am concerned I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

Well I have changed im not the jerk that I used to be im just being honest I brood about the things that ive done in the past I cant change them now I try to be a better person

I have the same way of thinking as you. I will say, though, that she is NT but very much a sensory seeker. It is not outside the realm of possibility for her to look for hugs in times of stress. I can't believe I am admitting this because it is the most humiliating (not the most hurtful, just embarrassing) part of the entire thing. The guy she kissed is 19 years old. She is almost 26. While many 19 year olds can be mature, I am not sure I would place him, or his fiancee, in the category.



I have many trust issues. I question things to a fault but I also accept any explanation given to me if it is repeated enough. I also forgive anything.




It was the most painful part of all of it. As I said above, she is a sensory seeker, and was very stressed, but the event that led me to the hospital was extremely traumatic. I should be dealing with that and not this. I want to assume it was because it was stressful to her and she needed company. I am trying not to be selfish and only look at my own needs. Even so, I still am looking for help dealing with it.



I had no idea that this was even possible. It sounds perfect. I am actually quite worried about her. Whatever is wrong that is causing the moodswings is hurting her and I don't like it.

Really. You didn't seem to feel bad about it when you made that post and now the machismo seems to have disappeared. After all you used the present tense, "I treat dating as a game" meaning that you still view it that way. :/

I dont really view it as a game any more I did when I was in school I was being honest when I made the post its how I used to feel their is another side to me I try to explain to people they just will not understand so I just dont even try but hey its cool though
I dont see myself as the macho type I just have a lot of pride

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Just knowing how much I love myself helps me sleep every night

Now, if it were me, I could see myself viewing the TV watching as "the activity," getting more and more into the plot, which I like anyway, being open to being insightful, keeping track of my best thoughts. That is, I'm kind of 'game on' and trying to 'excel,' even though I may not be consciously looking at it in those terms.

Whereas for her, TV is merely the context for the two of us interacting. She wants me to be in the present and pay attention to her. I don't need to keep track of my thoughts or do anything else special. I just need to be there with her.

I have made this and similar mistakes. Yes, in giving a speech in political activism, I can be the 'super' version of myself. However, one on one with a significant other, it's not not that kind of thing at all, it is a different and more special magic. Of this and many other things, I am still learning.

I feel stuck between two bad choices. Nothing I do is really going to make this right.

If I ask her too much about it, she has a complete meltdown. Last night I actually was afraid for her safety. I felt very helpless.

But also, she promised me to do things like call when she gets out of work, home, etc. There are still twenty to thirty minutes more (at least) between these things than there should be. I am trying to show her I can let it go but I also need some reassurance that I am not getting. I'm desperate for some sort of reassurance that maybe I have no right to ask for. To be clear, I do not think she is cheating during this time, just tuning me out, maybe.

I am having a very difficult time holding it together with the stress of what happened that sent me to the hospital and the unpredicatability coming from her. I am also torn about something else. I want to speak to the guy. I do not want that to upset her. I do not even know what to say to him or if I even should. I am not violent. I just need some peace.

Last edited by asparaguseye on 22 Apr 2011, 5:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

All perfectly understandable. But if you drive her away now you'll have to live with several things.

A) Possibly not knowing what really happened as she'll have no incentive to explain to an "ex".
B) possibly enabling him to win the tug of war, if one exists.
C) losing your fiance.

I would play damage control. Make sure you are drawing her to you rather than pushing her away. Something is a little off, at minimum, and you want to reinforce your relationship without being clingy. You can't be negative 24/7 if you want the relationship to survive. At the moment, she only kissed him, so keep it in context.

As time passes you'll get more information out of her, a better perspective on what happened, and then be in a better position to decide if you want to continue the relationship based on what you learn. But it will be your choice. It won't be her leaving you over your negativity, or her own guilt, or whatever, etc, etc. You want to be in charge of how this goes down as best you can. If you lose your sh*t, you lose control of it.

And maybe it was just a kiss. Don't assume the worst, just be watchful.

EDIT: Oh, and don't talk to the guy. If he lies to your face, how will you know? Focus on what you know: Your fiance.

Okay, as far as what happened that sent you to the hospital, you probably need to talk to a couple of people in addition to your fiancee. I generally have not had good experiences with counselors, psychologists, and the like (in my experience they tend to be egotists, pontificators, individuals who love to hear themselves talk, and surprisingly, they tend to be poor listeners). Now, other people have had good experiences. You might want to check out this post "Please share good stories of counselors, etc" http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt151563.html ,which I myself initiated, for I do try and be fair about the issue.

I recently read a book by President Gerald Ford's press secretary (Ron Nessum, sp? I think it was). Following an assassination attempt in which the gun did not go off, Ron said that President Ford seemed okay, but he also seemed to have a very strong need to tell the story to different people.

In addition to your fiancee, maybe you have an older cousin, an Aunt, an Uncle, someone whom you feel is a pretty good listener?

I've had some success some of the time with my own invented, two books, one half of one sheet of paper method. I used a tax book, something I was studying at the time. Read a little bit and then write zero one or two sentences. 'I wish this other person had . . . ' 'I wish I had . . . ' And then I can a little bit cut myself some slack and forgive myself. And why do I expect myself to be so uber strategic, and so perfect all the time, and handling all these different situations. I don't know but I kind of do.

Good luck with everything. I know this time of your life sounds difficult. Keep talking with us here as it helps.

Thank you for the good advice. It was exactly what I needed to calm down and get perspective. I am hopeful tonight that things will work out. I love her and want to work on them. We have been very strong in the past and I believe that will get us through what will hopefully one day be just a blip on the radar that we laugh about one day.

Thank you very much. Posting here has helped me get my head back on straight. You have helped a lot. I'm also definitely going to be getting some counseling even though I'm like you in that I don't like them at all. Hopefully I can find a good one.

I'm posting here to try to get my feelings under control. I don't have anyone I can speak to about it until I can find a therapist.

I thought things were going better. Last night was calm and actually enjoyable. Then right before bed and this morning more things trickled out. None of them are major but they represent things I didn't know. One may not even be related to the problem. I wish she would just tell me everything so it is not like the scab is constantly being picked with each new thing that comes out.

I am losing a lot of self-esteem. I'm the one groveling. I'm the one trying to hold it together. I don't want to lose her so I'm the one thinking and double thinking my every word and action. She still doesn't even acknowledge that what happens was wrong and a very big deal. I worry the sorries I hear are more of "I'm sorry I have to deal with the aftermath" than "I'm sorry I did it". I'm sure these are perception problems on my part.

She keeps telling me how great he is as a friend. I know it is because she wants to salvage the entire group of friendships but it is hard to deal with after having a week and a half devoted to everything that is wrong with me.

I feel like I am going to eventually dry out emotionally if I don't begin to get something. What that something is I don't know. Reassurance, the feeling she wants this as badly as me, I really don't know.

Well, that's not so bad. You managed to keep things a little positive and learn some things at the same time. You want more of both. Emphasis on the positive mood.

Say what you just said here to her. That you don't like little things trickling out and that it makes it more difficult for you to place things into perspective. Pick a moment when things are going well. Have her sit down and tell you everything she can think of so you don't have those fears. Stress it's importance. Tell her that it's up to her to rebuild your trust. Not vice versa. That you plan to try, and hope to succeed, but that you need some help with that. The full story is step one.

But don't harp on it every minute. That's bad mojo. You want to win (know everything, make an informed choice and possibly repair the relationship), not get the gold for self-righteous monologues. That's worth nada.

As for her continuing friendship with him long term, set that aside until you know more. Saying she can never be friends with him is a stick. You are trying to get the rabbit out of the hole with a carrot. Sticks can come later. You are her friendly, understanding, wonderful fiancee. You don't have a stick.