AS + non-AS relationship

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Hi there,

I was just wanted to share some of my experiences being an Aspie who's dating a non-Aspie. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. I think I get on her nerves a lot because she has to put up with so many things that for many couples aren't even an issue.

I have a lot of trouble concentrating when my girlfriend and I are watching TV or when we go out to see a movie. If we watch something mildly complicated I always have to ask her what happened, and I often get mad because I just don't understand. If the apartment is empty, usually I'm able to focus a lot better.

I am very sensitive to noise... Our apartment has wood floors and no carpet.. There's so much echo that it drives me bananas. The floors are also very squeaky. I wear noise cancelling headphones and hibernate in my room like I were some kind of monk. I often don't even end up doing very much. I get very self-conscious if I know anyone can hear me and it makes me very shy. It also makes me not want to say very much either.

I think the fact that I'm an aspie is very hard on my girlfriend because we can't seem to do things together without me losing focus and not being able to concentrate. We often spend the night in different rooms doing different things... We take our turn watching tv shows in the living room. In other words we don't spend much time together, and when we do, I spend most of the time being annoyed or not able to focus..

I'm very bitter that I can't enjoy life the way that most people can.

My girlfriend's put up with all of my nonsense and I'm lucky to have her, but I often don't know if it's going to work out because of my issues. I think it's mostly my fault that our relationship isn't that great and we're having a lot of trouble deciding if we should stay together or go our separate ways.

Just wondering if anyone else out there is in an AS+Non-AS relationship, and how things are going...

Thanks

We have been married 11 years--we make it a point to do things together on weekends. I also try to plan short trips that combine things we like to do together.

Hi there. :0)

I am a 36 year old Aspie female and I will be married to an NT in less than a month!

We have dated since December of 2007 and were friends prior to that. As friends, we didn't have quite the difficulties we have as partners, as I tend to be a bit distant in friendships and disappear for periods of time to be alone. However, being in a 'love' relationship has been difficult, yet highly rewarding. And he still wants to marry me...score!

Some of the issues we've had are:

-He loves music of all sorts and likes it to play constantly - I love very specific types of music, dependent on the day and play it dependent on my mood. And I LOVE the quiet.
-He's really good around a lot of people (concerts, gatherings, burning-man, etc.) - I don't like to be in crowds.
-He enjoys loud, scary movies, I enjoy very specific movies (that aren't loud!)
-He walks around through the house singing and tends to step loudly, I don't want to bother the neighbors so am overly conscience of the noise I make.

Once I received my diagnosis (just this past November) things changed dramatically. No longer was I being viewed as being "selfish" or "picky" but he and I both could see that loud music physically hurt my ears, crowds cause me to go into "fight or flight" mode, certain movies get burned into my brain and I can't seem to shake them and the quiet brings peace to my busy mind.

He was super open to learning about Asperger's which was a major plus. We read Rudy Simone's "Aspergirls" together as well as a few other books on relationships with Asperger/NTs. I was open to allowing the relationship to end once he filled up on Asperger info. He wanted to learn and is very open to accommodating our situation.

Things we've done to resolve our issues:

-If we want to be together (gardening, taking a walk, etc.) and he wants to hear music, he takes his iPod and I enjoy the quiet...yet we still hold hands and spend time together.

-He understands I don't like concerts and that I enjoy time alone. He books concerts and always asks if I'd like to join him. 9 times out of 10 I stay at home or do something else and then he comes home and we have a chance to share about our adventures together. If I say yes to a concert, he looks into the venue and lets me know ahead of time what to look forward to - this helps me to feel prepared and more at peace.

-He watches his scary loud movies with his friends who also like those types of movies. They make a fun night out of it and get pizza, etc. This gives me time to read books and do things I like to do uninterrupted.

-We plan dates together each week, taking turns on who plans the date. This is awesome because it gives us the space to share quality time together and allows us our independent space throughout the week. Since we aren't spending every waking hour together, we actually have things to share about on our dates. :0)

It works for us, but it is work. We have made honest communication a top priority. Communication can be tough when it seems at times we both speak a different language, but now that he sees where I'm coming from and he is willing to let me ask him a lot of questions, it just works.

Bottom line, in any relationship, my opinion is each partner should know what they are getting into - and in the right now, not how one thinks they can change the other in the future. It creates trust and isn't that what love is about?

Oh, and ear plugs are a must!! !! :0)

I would seek out another Aspie. I think a NT would find me too weird to get along with.

I've been dating an Aspie for over a year. I will admit, that it is hard. But it is all about understanding and patience.

I met my fiancée in the 4th grade where we were just friends. We were both outcasts and hated at our small school I was different so was he. He eventually told me he had Aspergers but I didn't really understand or care what it was back then. People just started grouping us together and targeting us as one. I remember that we defended each other.

When we got to the 6th grade he started to show feelings for me and out of his awkward attempts to show me how he felt I figured it out. It took me some time (because of the awkward way he tried to show his feelings) but I realized I had feelings for him too. Its been a long time since then and we both grew up a lot we are now trying to graduate high school. We are doing great, in all the years there have been no fights (hard to believe?)

We do everything together and we are so happy, my mom loves him (shes really all I have for approval) and his whole family adores me. We know we want to get married and we are serious about it. I've really never had many problems with his Aspie side. He still cant get along with people at school but anyone I try to introduce him to he is just fine with. He loves it when I invite friends to do things with us so I try to as much as I can. We have been saving up money so we can get married after we graduate.

I worry that our relationship is too perfect. My best friend tells me that couples have to fight or it is bad but my Mother tells me not fighting in a relationship is wonderful. Is it normal for Aspie/NT relationships not to fight?