How do you bounce back from "cheating"?

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You give great advice. I have said it but they are still trickling out. Today's were particularly troubling but I am walking on thin ice. I'm afraid to say anything about it for fear of her repeating the breakdowns she has had. I've tried to be supportive through them but do not know if I have done a good job.



I am trying very hard not to do it with her. But, as you know, aspie perseveration is not something easily controlled. Right now my mind is stuck on it and it's my attention to detail that just brings up more questions I'm not allowed to ask or I'll run her away. She told me today that she thinks he is attractive, has feelings for him (though she does say they are not romantic), and that he came to her apartment alone after dropping his fiancee off at work. That was without my knowledge. They are not easy things to get out of your mind. Believe me, I want them out.




I did tell her I would be open to continuing the friendship once everything is worked out. And believe it or not, that wasn't a carrot. I mean it. There is no way on earth that will happen unless I get the whole story though. Prolonging this is making my feelings more harsh. Plus, I have a great superpower. I may not be able to read emotions or intent, but I can zero in on when someone is hiding something from me immediately. The only exception on occasion is her because she has learned me so well. He wouldn't stand a chance. haha

Right, my superpower is similar but I need material to crosscheck. I can't do it with faces and tones particularly well. Even my long term memory has limits. What I did was write everything she said down in a word file and attached a date to it. Over time the details changed and I knew where to focus the questions. People can be good liars but they have bad memories for detail.

When I wasnt questioning, I bit my tongue and played friendly. It wasnt that I wasnt thinking about it. And I spread out the questions. When I did ask them, they werent as random as they appeared.

You've got some rough details so far.

OP, based on the additional information you've provided, I'm quite a bit less optimistic about what's been going on with your fiancee. (Keep in mind that obviously, I'm basing my impressions on what you've posted here. I have no way of knowing what actually happened with your fiancee, but I'll provide my very NT-based perspective.)

IMO, there's a lot more going on here than your fiancee has told you. I will tell you that, as someone who is very nurturing, affectionate, and has a lot of empathy, I have never - and would never - invite a friend into my bed. That is behavior that is so extraordinary that it's bizarre. Honestly, my gut feeling is that the 19-year-old was hoping for a threesome, and his fiancee was either too naive to understand that, or was down with the idea. I know you're not going to want to hear this - and I don't like saying it - but I'm far from certain that nothing actually did happen.

Look, the way she's handling the disclosure of her transgression is a pretty classic...she started with a fairly innocuous incident: a single kiss. Then she discloses sleeping in the same bed with this couple, now (according to your post this morning) she's disclosed even more. I'm sorry to say this, but she's got more to tell you about what's been going on between them. Add to that the following: she wants to maintain her friendship with this guy, even though it's been the source of pain and angst to you; she wasn't there for you when you were hospitalized and needed her - because she was with them; she insists that everything she discloses is no big deal, yet she's clearly having a difficult time maintaining the facade that everything's okay in your relationship (her frequent emotional meltdowns). (And I know I'm being blunt here, but that stuff about her NT sensory stuff and needing a hug when she's stressed is absolute crap. Every time I've taken my daughter to the hospital, I've done it alone - and I managed just fine. If you have character, you do what you need to do for those you love - no exceptions.)

Frankly, it's not up to her to tell you what is and isn't a big deal, or how her violating your trust should affect you. She's the one who has misbehaved here - she's the one who has to take the consequences. That means doing whatever it takes to re-build that trust. Clearly hon, she's not doing that. She promised to call you when she's done with work, yet those calls are delayed. Understanding that you're going to be hurt and suspicious of her behavior is her job now. She signed up for that when she chose to triangulate this man into your relationship. And that job doesn't have an end date - re-building trust is a big job, and it takes a long time.

I wish I could offer you some more hope - I know you're hurting. It's just that character is not about what a person says - it's about what a person does. And based on what you've posted, I question your fiancee's character. Please take care, hon.

+1

As my dad would say, she's 'taking the piss'.

Get rid of her. She's been completely dishonest and callous about your feelings and seems to think you should sit back and accept this. I wouldn't even think of giving her a second shot.

simon_says:

I know the list you are talking about but mine tends to exist in my head instead of on paper. I don't want it there at all. I get hurt a lot but still prefer to see the good in people wherever possible. I am really hoping to be able to get back to a level of trust.

HopeGrows:

You have given me a lot of food for thought. I believe I may use your points as a discussion starter. I do my best when I have a list.

Lene:

I am not ready to give up yet. While this may suck, there are still six solidly good years of history between us. She is a wonderful woman, this mistake aside, and that means a lot. I know it may look like she is awful from the outside but that is because it is being taken in the context of one terrible incident. This is nothing like how she usually is and that is why I am willing to hang in there and try. It is also why I am so worried about her.

ok, each to their own and I understand that this has come out of the blue in a long term relationship. It's easy for me to sit and say 'run' but I'm not emotionaly invested.

But please do try and get the whole truth out of her before making your mind up, including any 'indiscretions' in the past too.

Asparaguseye, I would actually say your relationship is beyond hope, except for a couple of things.

First, the physical separation is probably making things hard for your fiancee. She's probably the kind of person who needs physical companionship, not just a long distance relationship. With you away, she gravitates towards people who are there. Your relationship could still work when you're in the same location again, but she's always going to be high maintenance. You'll never be able to risk separating from her for significant periods of time, because this will just happen again. You need to think about whether that's the kind of relationship you can be happy with.

Second, you've been together for six years. You're affianced, which means you both think in terms of marriage. But, you're not married yet. It's probably feeling to her like you never will be. Her biological clock is ticking, and at 26, she no longer has a lot of time. Even if she hasn't admitted it to herself yet, deep down she's probably thinking that she may need to find someone else because it's not happening with you.

However, she may also be the type of woman that just doesn't understand "one boyfriend at a time", in which case things may be hopeless. You need to recognize that things may not work out, no matter how hard you try.

You two heed to communicate better, and I don't think it's going to happen long distance with her. When are again together in the same place - it sounds like it will be soon - you need some serious talks. Ideally, be snuggled on a couch or something, with physical contact, during these talks, to help reassure her.

It's not your job to make her feel better about what she did. She's the one who betrayed the trust. It's her job to convince you to forgive her. Don't make it too easy, or she'll feel free to do it again.

What you do need to do is reassure her that you're really going to get married, if you can work this out and if you actually want to do it. Start talking wedding dates if you haven't already. Don't drag things out - either get serious or let go.

Which might mean she's a more emotional, immediate type of person. And she might think you should forgive her right away just because she's she.
'It hurts me.'<--you are then giving her an emotional, immediate response.

Please don't truncate yourself. Maybe for the default setting of your internal censor (which we all have) as "probably is okay to go ahead and say it" (unless it just jumps out at you that it's clearly inappropriate). Just give her a chance to respond and thus be open to ping ponging it back and forth.

And please be open to adding unconnected free positives in your life. Yes, during a difficult time, and perhaps most of all esp. during a difficult time. A class, a local political group, an art project of your own choosing? Maybe something like that.

OP, based on your fiancee's behavior (what she's admitted to) and how she's handled the subject with you, I don't think that setting a wedding date is in your best interests.

In my experience, people who cheat when things aren't going well in the relationship, without giving any indication to their partner that they aren't happy, typically do it again because they lack the ability to navigate rough times in a relationship, and subconsciously try to get away from it by transitioning from one person to the next, but they usually never actually make the transition..these people were NT's though.

It's not that they will always be cheaters, but for them to be faithful even in tough times, there are things that need to be addressed.

First they need to realize that they are lacking some relationship skills....since she has AS, I'm sure she realizes this.

Second, they need to know not only how to communicate their discontent to their partner, but how to work with their partner to address the problem rather than to leave the problem hanging.

Since your fiance has AS, it might be that she is having a hard time dealing with the thought of making such a big transition in life. She might be unsure of her feelings for you as well....you should discuss this with her.

I have the sneaky suspicion that there may be few guys I have dated who did not cheat on me...on one hand..i am vulnerable to sleazy types to a degree...I am childlike non-NT and easy to lie to..
I think I can make the fair assessment that not all aspies are 100% incapable of cheating. I cheated on the guy I dated as a teenager (LTR lasting 6 years)...early on in the relationship. It was a traumatic ordeal...I was traumatized by it in ways that affect me to this day.
Infidelity is not all fun and games or like playing a big trick on the person you are being unfaithful to...it is a very personal thing....or it was for me....also I was "acting out" I was a teenager..and I was cocooned in a relationship that was rather controlly and a lot more "adult" than I was ready for...I lacked defenses and communication skills within the relationship, and I made a friend at school who was in one of my classes...and developed an emotional teenaged friendship that eventually became physical...but after that...the friendship fell apart...my mental health became extremely rocky, and seriously it marred my experience in High School...My boyfriend at the time found out a year later and treated me very badly...(he already treated me badly)....Ironically, it is likely that he was unfaithful throughout the relationship. It was mainly a matter of pride for him....

I agree with point "A". There is lots that she hasn't told you and probably has only said as much as she did so she has something to say back at you if you find something out yourself. She is lying.

The thing is, it can be hard to move on from someone who has cheated on you if you are still in love with the person that you thought that they were. But the person you thought that they were would not cheat on you or lie to you. So they are not that person that you love - sadly that person doesn't exist.

BREAK UP TIME!! !! No need for counseling. Those two would have an affair after they're both married! You don't want to hear this but it's true. Think about it: Lustfull, daring sex with a practical stranger yet a secure, warm home to go to. Not bad huh? That's precisely why NT's marry aspies. Another NT would figure out an affair VERY fast!! An aspie has to be told. Aspies do everything in their power NOT to believe their partner cheated. But it's TRUE. Spouses and fiances tell you ONLY to alleviate their own guilt. It's not because they love you and want to be honest. Tell Miss Fiance to go f**k herself! or to go and f**k him "Again". It wasn't just a kiss...you sap!! ! Don't bounce back! Bounce forward and free!!

I'm sorry I have not updated what is going on for everyone.

As it turns out, there was more, and some of it blindsided me. I'm not sure if I want to get into details. I will have to think on that.

I need to admit to something. I changed one aspect of our story in an effort to remain anonymous. We are already married. I was trying to protect her should any of our friends run across the account. I hope everyone understands.

My willingness to bury my head in the sand definitely worked against me here. I did get the satisfaction of being present when his significant other found out. I hate to admit that it felt good to see him "get his". As for us, we are going to try counseling. I understand why from the outside a lot of people want to say derogatory things about her but the truth of the matter is we've been together for six years and that is a lot of time to throw away without some effort. And it's also a long time to love someone.

that's crazy. and I'm sorry, i've just been through this myself, and it's not the first rodeo..... so for your sake I hope counseling works.

Thank you aarrrghh. (I know I left out a lot of letters!)

I hope things get better for you. Being cheated on is one of the most difficult things anyone can have to endure.