Hi everyone, im new to the site, 39yrs old and im not 100% sure i have AS but i think i do. i have real problems with social interaction, im fine 1 to 1 although i can often talk at people rather than with them, but tend to stay quiete when speaking with more than one person, have problems expressing emotion, making eye contact, reading other peoples thoughts, feelings or actions and connecting with people in general, to put it bluntly ive never really felt close to anyone. My parents were distant when i was growing up and i had other issues there with abuse but dont want to go into detail as i didnt sart this thread for a diagnosis.
I have had a few relationships over the years but currently find myself single again after a recent breakup. all significant relationships have ended the same way with me blaming myself and feeling inadequate/beating myself up over how i have failed yet again. despite reasurance from my few friends and family, even former partners that its not all down to me, all breakups are followed by severe depression while i ruminate uncontrollably over what i have done wrong and how i seem unable to connect and really get close. Usually i am consumed by this for months and can barely function. It seems to me that i just dont understand the concept of love or what it means to be in love with someone or that my concept of love seems to differ from that of my previous partners. Its not through a lack of effort i feel but everything seems to be an effort and i stryggle to understand their needs and desires.
Along with the depression comes overwhelming confusion as to where i now stand, its like i feel she doesnt want to be with me therefore she hates me, and i find myself too confused to find any rationale. After my latest breakup we both said we would remain friends (we train at the same martial arts school) but this has proved impossible, initial interactions by text msg days after the split, i simply did not have the capacity to laugh and joke, i expressed i was stuggling emotionaly but didnt want to dwell on this as this would make contact awkward. i responded cordially but felt i would not be up to meeting face to face as just the thought of it filled me with dread and fear. what am i affraid of? i dont know!
So this knd of behaviour has ended any chance of friendship and any lster attempts to initiate a meeting to talk things over have been refused flat. She has even avoided me in the street and has said if i attend any of the classes she is currently attending then she will stop her martial arts training. This i do not want as her children train there too. Friends and family say i should just go and not worry about what she thinks but the brush i off just could not stand.
i feel this reaction isnt rational from me and i have cultivated the very situation i wanted to avoid ...
has anyone any thoughts?
