How to make aspie man believe that he is not "a failure

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I met this wonderful guy who is not aware of all his qualities and who let other people use him... He is smart,beautiful,funny...but he does not see his qualities and it's so hard for him to change some things in his life,even this things are harming him...

I'm coming to the conclusion Asperger's/autism may make it hard for a person to see themselves as part of "the scene" and get an accurate picture of how they fit into society.

I myself cannot understand the impact I have on others. I can watch other people interacting and have it makes sense.

The only way I can imagine for him to see his own strengths is for him to make himself happy using his talents doing things he really enjoys.

I know that may not be too helpful. If I knew his specific talents I might be able to give an example.

I felt I was one in the beginning of my relationship/friendship with my ex years ago. She taught me I wasn't after a while because she listened to me, cared about me, supported me emotionally. She also had some problems herself that I helped her with & after I saw the positive effect I had on her; I started believing in myself. It took a while to sink in at 1st thou

Re-align your goal post.

Slap him in the face.

Well...he has good job and he is well respect in his field (computers) but still it does not make him happy and he gets depressed as he thinks he is failure as a man in relationships and is afraid to move on in his life

He may be feeling like a failure with relationships because he may not conform to the stereotype of how men are supposed to be in relationships. He may be worried that you might want or would be better off with someone who doesn't have the issues he does. I would recommend giving him a lot of reassurance about the relationship & other things

Yes... I am happy and proud to be his girlfriend... When I met him he was a perfect man for me...until I found out that he is not divorced (as he told me) but separated as his wife left him few years ago,took kids with her and flew to her country... He has very good job,she does not work,kids dont speak his language,she is using him for the money he is paying,but still he is not able to move on for real...He started relationship with me telling me he is divorced,which I accepted,he is not happy, he knows that she does not love him...but still he is not able to change anything,as he thinks that he is going to fail again,and that he will loose kids if he divorce. I tried to leave him,I tried to explain that it is not fair what he is doing to me,but he keeps coming back...I love him...He knows that I love him...He needs to feel loved,but my fear is that he use my love to compensate for what he does not get from his wife and will not change a thing,even she does not live with him few years now. She left him more or less at the time when he was diagnosed,she thinks that he is psycho,but his dollars are very attractive and she is not planning to divorce ,as she said ...he will have to do it,but knowing him he will never move a finger about it...I know he loves me in his way,with me he gets love he needs,but her thinks he will fail with me as she tells him that he failed,i feel lost...i feel weird talking about this to people i dont know,...but i love him and i dont want to loose him

Well, it seems to me he has pretty good reasons to feel the way he does. It looks like he loved his wife and kids and she took advantage of that. Moving on is really hard for Aspies, so is self-steem. You will have to be really patient, supportive and caring, and help him regain his self-steem. Do not preassure him into things or get mad because he does not act the way you want. If you want to stay with him is because you acknowledge the situation and you are willing to cope with it. If you do it and help him he will eventually be able to get out of that situation, but he has to do that himself. Be strong.

oy... that can be problematic.

What you need to do is to show him that, with you, he has a future, whereas anything he had with his (ex-)wife is just a long-gone pipe dream. He's not failing by leaving a wife that is just using him for his money, and you can prove through your own love for him that he is not a failure overall for it... because you're there for him.

I'm an Aspie myself. And divorce was a serious injury to my self-esteem. I mean, the fact is that I promised to be with someone for the rest of my life, and I have not kept that promise. Thus, I am not a good person, and I am a liar that can't be trusted.

My current wife keeps telling me how frustrating it is to hear me saying things like I am worhless or I'm no good or I'm a failure.

I have seen a psychologist, and a psychiatrist, and they have been able to point it out, that marriage is dependent on two persons, so everything can't be solely my fault. And it also helps that my wife keeps telling me that I am important to her.

That said, your boyfriend should decide what he wants. It is not fair towards you to still be married to another. I started an affair shortly after my ex and myself filed for a divorce. But I moved out from my ex right away. And I told my gf from the start, that I was in the process of divorcing, but still officially married.

give him a hug? its what i'd want

I've been told I'm good at this one, actually. It's quite simple, though it takes a while:

If you want someone to not feel that they're a failure, treat them like they are not one. This doesn't require saying things like "You're not a failure." It requires things like encouraging them to be free to be themselves (weaknesses, quirks, and all), without even acknowledging that there might be anything wrong with that--because there's not. Even an autistic person can tell, consciously or not, when someone likes and respects them. Over time, it has an effect. It is no quick fix, but it works, and very well.

Good luck with that one your goona need it.

I say grow up and become well packaged (as in correctly medicated for more often than not severe co morbid conditions.

Well that's been my experiences any way lucky for me I do not care for these unusual and foreign concepts of |"success " if I won lotto tomorrow I'd still pretty much live the way that I am now, though I would probably buy the modestly priced 2 bedroom unit next door duss increasing my unit from a modest 8 0 square meter apartment to a good sized (house) 160 square metres not sure whats that in sq feet, feets whats that all about ?