Some advice for a "NT"?

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I realize most people in these forums talk about "NT"s sort of like strangers, so I gather that most here aren't... But I'm hoping you will let me into this community for a short while to help me with an issue I'm having at work. I also apologize if I offend anyone - I'm really not sure of what terminology to use or how to explain things.
To start, I'll tell you a bit about myself. I worked with toddlers and young children with autism for years before my parents' divorce and my moving to a new city. Most of these children are fairly severe, I suppose it would be called, on the spectrum and some required multiple doctors on call and live in specialists to help with development. Until this past year, I don't think I've really had any encounters with someone who was a high functioning autistic, but know quite a bit about it.
So.. my problem at work.
I work at a high end home furnishings store with a mostly female population. At our location, there is one man who works there - he is 31 and I am 20. He has worked at this store for almost two years more than I have, and all the staff and management love him. I believe he is an Aspie as he shows many symptoms, but haven't asked him and no one else knows either, but he has mentioned his brother being highly autistic. He does not drive, and still lives at home with his parents, but I'm not sure if this is because he is unable to live on his own or doesn't want to. When I joined this staff, I was told by *everyone* that he was gay. Everyone. I come from a large metropolitan area and have had many friends who are homosexual, so that really didn't bother me. I saw him as a big brother and was shocked when he wanted to hug me a lot since most people with autism that I've met, recline from contact. Usually, if someone from my class, or really any heterosexual male, started to hug me a lot and wanted a lot of physical contact I'd think they liked me (since that's a pretty common sign I've observed and experienced.) However, because I was told he didn't like females (ie. ME), I thought nothing of it.
Then.. the hugs started to linger and one day in the back of the store he told me he wanted a hug, so I hugged him. He then wouldn't let me go, and tried to kiss me.. multiple times, despite me pulling away and turning my head down so he would be unable to. Since then, I've stopped hugging him because I don't want to give him the wrong impression and confuse him, but he takes great offense. He also says hi to me every 5 minutes (literally, no exaggeration. even if I have not left the room or space, he will say hi to me again), and is constantly telling me that I'm pretty. While I enjoy compliments, it makes me feel really uncomfortable when he is constantly fawning me with attention and talking to other people about me and my looks (to most NTs, I would be considered pretty, but by no means extremely attractive). Whenever someone walks within 15feet of us, he tells them to look at how pretty I am and to say hi to me, which makes me feel really uncomfortable as well. I have tried to distance myself because I don't want him to think that I romantically like him, but I don't want to offend him by saying "I don't like you."
His attention is causing me to become extremely distressed and unable to sleep the night before if I have to work with him, and fear being alone with him. I'm worried to report him to the management because I don't want him to be fired - I just want him to stop treating me like this (he doesn't act like this around anyone else). Also, he wants to be a teacher after getting his masters', and I fear that having a sexual harassment charge could ruin his chances at that.
Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle this? I'm sorry it was so long!

You need to EXPLICITLY tell him to stop. "Do not hug me, do not kiss me, do not tell me- or anyone else that I am pretty. It is flattering, but it makes me very uncomfortable, and it needs to stop."

If that doesn't work, you go to management.

*If he doesn't listen to you, he's ruining his own career prospects- not you.

That. ^^

Never just accept treatment like that.

You have probably met people with AS before and haven't realized it.

Whether he has AS or not, one really can't say, generally though, work places have policies against contact such as hugging and neither of you should have engaged in it regardless.

He may be harmless but there really is no way of knowing and I feel you really should go through the manager but if you are so opposed to doing so then you will just have to confront him yourself and tell him straight out that you aren't interested in him romantically.

If he did have AS, you don't do him any favors trying to be nice or subtle about it.

Be very blunt. Social niceties are easily lost on us aspies. He may or may not be one but it sounds like a definite possibility. It may hurt his feelings for a while but that's better than the alternative. Tell him to stop it in no uncertain terms. If I was doing something wrong and didn't know about it I would appreciate being directly confronted about it so that I know.

After that, well, management time.

I agree with everyone that being direct and firm with him is the way to go, as well as letting him know that while you don't want to go to management about it, you'll be forced to if it continues.

One other thing to mention, if you ever find yourself in a sexual harassment situation again, start privately keeping a log of dates, incidents and any other coworkers around each time something inappropriate happens. Otherwise, it when it escalates to a point at which you have to report it to HR, it can turn into a 'he-said vs. she-said' situation. Speaking from experience on that one.

thanks everyone for the quick replies
I don't know when I work with him next, but I'm going to try to pull him aside next time he makes me feel uncomfortable and tell him that I don't like that kind of interaction (ie. "I don't like it when people touch me, please don't do that anymore") and hopefully he won't get too offended. I hope he doesn't think that I hate him as a person - he's funny and nice - I just don't like the interactions, attempted flirting and leering looks. Ugh, I hope this doesn't turn into drama.

There's always the aspie tendency for black-and-white thinking; if you don't like his botched attempts at flirting, he might think you don't like him at all. But his opinion is just that: one person's opinion. As long as you're being honest and direct, your conscience can be clear. Your sanity and comfort at work has to come first. So go to him, pull him aside into a private corner, and tell him "hey, listen, I find it very uncomfortable when you [descriptions of his actions], and I want you to stop doing it." Be calm and authoritative while you talk to him.

In situations like this it doesn't really matter if he gets offended. He's the one doing something wrong.

I will highlight a no win situation that women occasionally find themselves in.
Women frequently try to be nice in these situations and it frequently doesn't work because a lot of men don't realize she's just trying to be polite and civil and not interested in him. These particular men need to be dealt with in a firm, direct manner, and this might upset them because of deep seated misconceptions they have about forming relationships, and so they frequently do deal with them in this manner as a b***h.

The no win situation. If you're nice they think you like them, if you're not they think you're a b***h, and you have to choose between "misleading them" or being what they deem is a "b***h" to them because they don't realize they have not allowed you the option of just being someone who isn't interested in them but would like a civil relationship with them.

Maybe he's not one of them but you shouldn't fear setting your own boundaries.

That's no excuse for being nasty about it.


Have these ladies actually said to them, "Sorry, I'm not interested in you?" or have they taken the option of "If body language and subtle hints aren't working, shout and be nasty to make the point clear"? I'm envisioning the chap at NTalyssa's work feeling like Nick did in the other thread, as if he's opened the fridge door looking for food only for it to explode in his face. A better approach would be something like:

"<name of guy>, I realise you are attracted to me, but I don't love you and the way you have hugged, kissed, and looked at me <details> recently makes me feel physically threatened and sexually violated. If you are confused, I am happy to explain, but this behaviour must stop right now or I will have to tell the management and you could be arrested."

This message would still sting, but it is not unkind and there is the opportunity for him to find out what he did wrong and why it is unacceptable. There are few things as frustrating as being told off when you can't understand your mistake.

I second being blunt; tell him whilst you like him, you don't see him in that way (or that you simply don't date coworkers- that way it's not personal) and you don't want other people getting the wrong impression that you are having an office fling. 'Name drop' a boyfriend if you want too.

But also, if you find that after you warn him, he is still creeping on you, tell the management. It's nice that you care about his future, but don't put his well being before your own; if he wants to be a teacher he needs to learn how to act appropriately and he cannot be allowed a free card his whole life in case it upsets his plans...

No one ever said anything about being nasty about it. But in conversation a lot of men interpret a woman's attempt to be civil as special treatment due to attraction and don't get it when she politely yet implicitly tries to turn him down, and they also interpret any explicit rejection as her being cold and bitchy even when she tries to be civil about it. She has to be explicit and upfront or he won't understand yet he'll also be hurt and upset and feel he's the one who has been victimized because he thought she liked him to begin with. As I said, sometimes it's impossible for her to spare his feelings.



That's a reasonable way of dealing with him and I was not proposing anything otherwise, but he will likely not view her favorably for it, which was my point.

In a lot of situations, the point at which a woman should explicitly reject a man are ambiguous, even to NT's. If she acts too soon she is a b***h because she is presumtuous. He will think "How dare she think she is so great and that all men just want to have sex with her" He will become upset because she assumed things about him which he feels have yet to be proven and even if he did have these intentions, since he's hurt by the rejection he'll use the above premise to defend himself.

I definitely feel that I'm stuck in the "she likes me" or "she's a b***h" spot. I saw him today, but it was crazy busy at work and he didn't leave the back room. The one time I had to go back there, he touched my shoulder and got close, but I didn't have any time to tell him that it was inappropriate (it was REALLY REALLY busy). I almost think that someone in management has talked to him since he didn't try to talk to me and seemed kind of upset towards me, except for the moment he touched me (but even then he backed away when i looked at him). If it turns out someone has talked to him, should I still go a head and tell him that it makes me feel uncomfortable? This is so complicated!

Yes you should, ASAP. If he hears it from you, he knows for certain where he stands, and you can explain that you'd still like to be friends, but he must not continue to touch you in that way. Additionally, if you talk to him about it and he continues to harrass you, then you can go to the management with a clear conscience, because you know that you tried to do the right thing.