break ups and coping skills

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I suspect that when I date someone, they become a special interest to me. I obsess over them, even months after we break up. And I freak them out. And then they don't want to be friends. Right now, my ex girlfriend asked me to leave her alone for a while after contacting her and generally acting unstable. She also says that I am overly sensitive and that, combined with my inability to interpret social cues, is not a good thing. I guess that's an issue too. But she just said "for awhile," which means there is a chance of repairing our friendship. I don't want to get back together with her, because she is not sensitive enough to my needs as an Aspie, but I do want to be friends with her. And I want to stop obsessing.

What are some coping skills I can employ when dealing with the change of a break up? It's very distressing to have to deal with change and the removal of a special interest at the same time. My coping skills are less than great. I have a history of anorexia (basically, I hate eating and also have problems swallowing w/o choking when I'm anxious) and I binge drink to numb my anxiety about the break up. But then that makes me more depressed. These tactics obviously don't work. And I try to immerse myself in other special interests like math and reading about theoretical physics and stuff, but my thoughts are so obsessive and compulsive that it just doesn't work...it's like it has to run it's course still. This is not good, and it affects my ability to function as an adult in society. I am able to go to work still, and stuff, but I isolate and have a hard time socializing with my (very few) friends.

I am having a very difficult time.

What can I do to successfully transition into healthier behavior?

You can always talk about it here, if it helps. A lot of people seem to fall back on others in their lives for support during a break-up. For me personally, though, I have a pretty weak support network and when I'm in a relationship, I come to depend upon him to fill in some of the emotional gaps I'm missing as someone without family or many friends to lean on.

So, in the past when I've been in a relationship for a while and the person split (or I couldn't deal with them anymore, whichever came first, lol), I think I tended to take it harder than someone else would have and it felt like a very low-blow. Like suddenly going from living a semi-normal life to being forced into living in a vaccuum again. I don't know you or if that's something you can relate to at all, but if it is, maybe you should think about finding ways to populate your life with as many supportive people as possible before entering into another relationship. Not that you should enter into something already planning for the break-up, but it can't hurt to have a 'Plan B' or supports in place.

Hang in there.

Yeah, I only have about three people I can talk to and one of them was my ex, so I cannot talk to her. I'm estranged from my immediate family, but can call my grandma on the phone if I need to (but I hate the phone and she's hard of hearing--the combination of me not knowing when to talk and her not being able to hear is stressful) or maybe my aunt, but it's not the same. And my few friends are probably sick of me talking about it...they're NT and don't understand my behavior or reactions sometimes.

I also have sensory issues...but at the same time, I really want a hug. But I don't want anybody to touch me. Ugh.

Thanks for the advice. I will try to build up my support network...but I always lose track of social networks when I get into a new relationship. It's hard to maintain a lot of relationships at the same time.

Same here. It's an area I really need to improve upon for myself. Sounds like we are in a similar position in a lot of ways, actually.

I'm really bad at going out and meeting people too. After I run out of canned script (ie, small talk) I can't keep conversations going. Actually, that was one of the reasons I got dumped, because I am a poor conversationalist.

But in the meantime, I've just isolated myself with my cyclical thoughts. Maybe I should get back into therapy.

Well, if you do go that route and gain any new insights or strategies via therapy, please be sure to stop back here and share them with the rest of the class. Best of luck--and I mean that!

Something that many people say to ease the blow of "never" is "in a while." Because you said she's not sensitive to your aspie needs, that probably includes being direct about things.. as a NT, I'm just saying that if someone told me they didn't want to have any contact for a while, I would take that as they need space and want to keep that space. I wouldn't try to initiate any contact unless she makes the first attempt of friendship.

I would highly recommend going back to therapy - I believe it should be a constant in many people's lives since life is always going to be unstable and changing, and everyone - even NTs - need help with that sometimes.

Coping mechanisms... I've gone through a ton from jumping from guy to guy, to obsessively running (which stopped after a stress fracture), to over eating, to not eating, shopping... moving.. etc. I've found what works the best is to try to RELAX. I know that sounds weird, but it works the best for me. I try to surround myself by a support system of a few good friends, cry a lot, and then write out my feelings to them. I find what i'm obessing over isn't so much them, but more so what would i say if i saw them, if i could re-do situations, etc. so i write it out. and then i focus on myself and diva pampering. I try to get back in touch with my spiritual side, and arts. I take myself out for dinner or order in, watch my fav movie or read a book and make a list of goals i want to work on, a vague timeline, and how i'll do it. ie. I want to make one new friend this summer. how? I will talk to one new person in my class. I want to start cooking more. how? i will get a cook book and set aside time each week to make one new meal. those sort of things, so i have those to look forward to and keep me positive.

Have you got any soft toys still? I have a couple of teddy bears from when I was younger, and since I started dealing with all the emotions associated with relationships I've found them incredibly useful at those times when I just need a hug.

Good luck and I hope it gets better for you. I've been in that place before where my thoughts just cycle round and round and it's all I can do to make it through a chapter of a book. Sometimes writing it all down helps. I've written letters that I've never sent because somehow just writing it all down gets some of the thoughts out of my head.