Does he have AS or not? And if he does, do I tell him?

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I am in an awkward relationship with a 33 year old man. I happen to also be the mother of a son with severe autism so it would seem that I would be more capable of reading the signs of Aspergers than the usual NT but in this case, it's almost too close to my heart for me to be sure.

I met him through an online game. He was very quiet and polite at first. Speaking only in terms of the game. I enjoyed playing with him and began chatting with him more frequently in the game. We began to play alone and outside of groups. As we spent more time alone together, he opened up slowly. As he did, I found myself attracted his personality. His gentle and almost old-fashioned ways. He was gallant and chivalrous. He began to spend most of online game time with me exclusively. The more we talked, the closer we felt. Until finally one day, I told him plainly that I was interested in him. He admitted he felt the same. We met in person. It was an awkward meeting. I thought I gave him signs that I wanted to be kissed but he took none of the cues. He lives in Montreal and I live in NY. He stayed in a hotel for the trip but I spent every day with him showing him the city. He never attempted a romantic gesture and I decided he was not interested in me and so I did not make any attempt to be clear.

Later he confessed that he couldn't read the cues and that he had no idea that I was interested in him. He thought I was disappointed meeting him and that secretly he wanted to hold my hand and had every desire to kiss me.

We met again. Rather than risking any misunderstood cues, I took him into my arms and I kissed him almost immediately. We spent a beautiful week together where nothing was misunderstood. He was the most romantic man I had ever known. He looked at me with such love. He held my hand as though he held my very heart. He held it close to his chest and kissed it every moment he could. And when he looked at me, he made me feel like I was the only person in the entire world. He was a bit awkward around our other online friends but when he was alone with him, he was always at ease. His humor could be odd at times but then spot on at other times. He could get very intensely focused on an activity. From cooking, to making a bow or even learning a dance. And yet, alone, it is like there is no one else on the planet. He can gaze up at the stars with me, point out the constellations and talks softly about the sky. He is as attentive to me as he is in anything else that interests him. And his attention is overwhelming, sweeping and I can't help but love it.

So I was devastated when he said he didn't know if he wanted a committed relationship or not. And all the while, he continued to tell me how wonderful I am, how beautiful, and how special. I couldn't understand if all these things were true, how could he not want me?

Finally, he confessed that I was his first true love, his first kiss and the first woman he ever slept with. He said he is afraid of committing to me because he lacks experience with women and he is truly ashamed that at the age of 33 that he does not have enough knowledge to know if this is what he wants.

I was taken aback. He said he feels selfish but he needed time to live a little to figure out if he can feel this way about another woman. He says when he turns 40 he is going to ask me to marry him. I said I may not be around by then. He said he understood. I said I was not some sort of consolation prize. He said he did not think of me as second prize. He said he only wants to be sure that I am first prize as he suspects.

There is a sincerity to everything he says. He is not smooth or dishonest. In fact, he is quite guileless and so I take him at his word no matter how absurd the situation.

I love him so deeply because he seems so unlike anyone I have ever known.

At this point, he still spends his days texting me all day from work. He is an engineer. And when he returns home, he spends his night talking to me. I don't see how he will meet another woman if he does not let go off this routine and yet he does not seem to care. I cannot understand why when I offered to move closer to Canada (a 2 hr drive from NY instead of the current 6 hr drive) he seemed to back away. He seems happy to keep me in the little machines. He has talked about coming to NY again which only serves to further confuse me.

When we exchanged gifts, I gave him an engraved watch with a little reminder of me that he could keep close. He gave me the board game Risk (we play Risk often together online) and also a new video card. When he was in NY, he tore my computer apart to figure out why I was lagging in the MMORPG that we play together and discovered my videocard was at fault. The videocard was very expensive and far more than the game requires.

And even as I write this post, I realize he probably has AS. It's ridiculous that I am even asking the question.

I love him so much. I want him to be happy and satisfied with life. I don't know if I should even bring up AS to him since he already is so anxious about his lack of experience with women. I don't know if it will bring further heartbreak or be a relief.

If there are any males with AS out there, I would be interested to know what you think about this situation. I'd rather lose him and know he is happy. I love him that much...

Hi! Very moving personal story. I'm a girl with AS but I sent you a personal message in your inbox in the upper righthand corner.

Thank you for the reply... I sent one back to you as well. It was very eye-opening so thank you so much!

As a male AS, I'll take a shot at this....I'm in a similar situation as this friend of yours. I've played out the very scenario you two have shared (minus the details of course). Would I, could I, commit to the first woman with whom is shared a mutual affection and love?

I've asked this of myself for years....and because it has been years, the answer has become clear to me. I would commit. And not to be too disparaging toward your friend, but he's a fool if waits until he's 40. I'm actually concerned that he doesn't see how special YOU are -- I mean, if he's 33, and you're his first, does he think that now, suddenly, women are going to be knocking down his door?

Anyway, that's my take -- not sure that helps you at all though,

Great story. Looks like your initial steps were good.

However a guy like him probably needs time. Even if he spends a lot of time texting you and sometimes comes to see you, he still needs time to learn the trust and also how to learn about you. As he and you mentioned, if he cannot read people well, how is he supposed to commit fully to a relationship at this stage? The offer to move closer to him probably triggered major concerns about his own feelings toward the situation... "Is she for real?" "Can I support her/her son?" "Why would someone do this much for ME?" "Do I deserve to have this opportunity/this chance at all?" If he is not aware of his AS, it maybe time to see if he willing to learn it. Sometimes a diagnosis/discovery can cause a radical reinterpretation of his life experience and can help make an Aspie move many steps forward.

Building the necessary trust will be tough. But you can do many things to make him feel that you want him to consider you a essential other in his life (doesn't need to be overly romantic at all). Has he met your son? Make him family and he may give you the commonly cited strong trust that AS folk can express to people.

Dear Asteroid,

Thank you for replying. It seems you understand the situation. And because you asked yourself this question for years, how long did it take to come to the conclusion, it was okay to go with your first?

He feels he lacks experience. He is fearful of horror stories of people choosing their first to disastrous results. There is nothing that I can say to him that can seem to convince him otherwise...

He says he only needs more time to see if it possible to make a connection with someone else like ours.

I suppose I seem like a sap to give him the time. To give him the chance to explore this...

Dear Bodrik:

Your reply was very insightful!
He seemed so upset that he had to ask for time. So if time is what is required, I am going to give it to him. He is special and unique and is not someone that can be replaced. I doubt that I can ever find someone like him again...

I suppose moving closing probably seemed weird. Though financially, I am very independent and my work allows me to work from anywhere.

What really rang true for me is I do think he is thinking:
"Is she for real?" "Why would someone do this much for ME?" "Do I deserve to have this opportunity/this chance at all?"

He often seems so assured or even arrogant. Then other times so self-conscious and unsure of himself.

I want to bring up AS to him but I am worried he will think that because I was his first that I was looking for reasons. As I said, as an NT, I am very aware of the spectrum. With him, it took a little while for me to see it. But then I wonder, do I see it because I'm looking for flags or do the flags even exist?

So I'm trying to find a nice and delicate approach to even bringing up the topic. I find that people who don't have any knowledge of the spectrum find it disconcerting. I guess ignorance breeds misunderstanding or fear. Probably even more so, if the person involved is yourself...

In the end, while I love him deeply, I want him to feel at ease with himself. I want him to feel good about himself. If pointing him in the right direction might help, I want to do that for him even if it does mean I drive him away from me. Though I would like to find a way that we can maintain a friendship if nothing else through all of this.

He was wonderful with my son. He was tireless and patient. He made him laugh and was so able to keep up with the reptitious things he enjoyed.

As for building trust, I have known him for 4 years now. I don't know what else I could do to build his trust in me. He says he trusts me. He says I am his best friend and the only person he has feel truly connected with besides members of his family. Maybe that's all we really have... That he just feels a bond to me and maybe it is not romantic at all. If that is the case, I can also accept this.

I want what is best for him even if it's not me.

Perhaps what is even more bizarre, he asked me for dating tips. And I began to give him some. I said I'm your friend first and foremost. I won't give you bad advice.

Anyway, now I'm rambling. The situation has me turned all around...

I think you're right about the Aspie thing. If he's that age and has never dated before then it has to be something, and if you feel that he fits into Aspergers criteria I would trust your judgment.

I'm sorry about the situation. Sounds like you have the potential for a wonderful, beautiful relationship, and its a shame that these issues are cropping up.

I hate to say it, but make sure you know the limits on how long you can wait. Give him some time, but then be very firm with him that you are moving on. You can't put your life on hold indefinitely because of his doubts or insecurities or whatever it is.

Give him some time to sort it out, yes, but sooner or later he's going to have to choose whether or not to blindly trust that what you two have is what he wants. If he's gone as long as he has without dating, waiting for him to 'play the field' at this point is just an exercise in futility.

I think you are a wonderful person for putting up with everything and being supportive, but make sure you know your limits and clearly let him know when you reach them.

Dear KRX:

Thank you for replying. I guess it was just hard to see the Aspie angle when I'm so close to it. He had said to me that he led a very isolated life. He was consumed by video games since he was in high school and didn't even go out with friends until he went to university. He said he is painful shy and socially uncomfortable. He says he doesn't know what to say or do with women.


I believe he is an amazing person. He is able to express his feelings for me in a way that is so candid. And everything sounds like pure poetry. And there is nothing in the world like being loved by him even if it is short-lived and never comes to anything.

I know that I can't keep things open ended. I know I should put some sort of limit. But in a way, I guess I'm not ready to. I feel like if there is any hope, any chance, I don't want to close the door to him. He is truly irreplacable...

In my own way, I guess I don't have much to put on hold anyway. I am not actively pursuing male attention. I've been burned too many times to be bothered anymore. And because of this, it makes him all the more special to me.

He feels after being with me, he may have the courage to try to date now. And if I opened that door to him, I understand his reasons for wanting to see what that is like. I can only hope that once he walks out that maybe he will come back and realize that I am also unique.

Thank you for all your advice. I know it seems sappy of me to feel like this about him. I know I shouldn't hold out hope the way I do.

But no one has ever treated me this way before. No one has ever been so kind, gentle, open and guileless. And no one has ever looked at me the way he does. His eyes seem to light up when I walk into a room. His eyes actually twinkle at the sight of me. I have never felt so special or precious to anyone in my life like that. So I guess I'm just going to have to wait until it all falls apart.

But in the meantime, I think I will try to be as delicate as possible about discussing AS with him. I hope he will not be upset with me...

That's exactly how my GF describes me (my first and only real love, 12 years ago, back together now after a lot of terrible and traumatizing relationships on both our parts...). I think he loves you, even if he doesn't himself realize it.

I just really hope things work out for you and he gets his act together.

Dear KRX:

I hope you are right. And I'm hoping one day he figures it all out...

actually it didn't change anything to me to know that I'm an autist.
and why should it change anything? I have been one my whole lifetime, even when I didn't know it.
I've learnt to live with it just like normals have learnt to live with being normal.
I don't have to act different now just to fit in the stereotype picture of an autist like many people do.

But ins spite of that, tell him what you think. what should a relationship be good for if you can't tell your love everything you think? you know, I know it from myself, it's nothing I'm proud of, I hope I'll never do this again, but did it several times in the past...: if a woman that I don't respected was hooked on me, I didn't want to let her go because I maybe liked her in another way, or thought she was cute, but to get not bored I played with her. If I now look back that seems cruel and sadistic a bit...
and of course I'll never do this again. but you should be careful about what he does to you. maybe he just uses you for not getting bored and getting the feeling of having a life outside his job and his computer without doing anything for it.
surely he enjoys you, but this kind of "as long as I can't find something better without leaving my house" thinking is asocial and unfair for you. you say he is special and different from all the others. he knows that. and he thinks you are not. he thinks he is too good for something unspecial.... please don't be his toy!

Dear Awes...

Now that was a really different perspective. I had not looked at it this way. Maybe I am a bit naive. I have been hoping for someone like him for my entire life. And when I met him, I felt he was my soulmate. Though you are right, just because I assign these feelings to him does not mean he assigns the same to me. And perhaps you are right in that he may not think I am not special enough for him...

I really appreciate your brutal honesty.

This situation has been very difficult for me to reconcile. My brain says one thing and my heart says another.

Because I think the world of him, I cannot imagine that he would toy with me... But perhaps maybe he is.

I also appreciated your candor about AS. I hope he will feel the same. I guess if nothing else, perhaps I can help him puzzle out his situation and maybe at some point in his life, he will see that it was an act of concern and friendship.

I do feel rather powerless at this point though. The heart wants what it wants. As awful as it may have sounded that he wanted to experience more of life before reaching a conclusion, I accepted it on face value. I had my chance. Although, most of it was awful. Maybe he can find someone even more perfect for himself. If so, more power to him. It is possible I am not well suited to him even if I think he is well suited to me.

I've turned this over and over in my mind.

The only thing I have concluded is I will mention AS.

As for anything else, I guess I keep hoping that fairy tales come true.

I am a Pollyanna despite horrible experiences. I still believe...

Yeah, there probably isn't much you can do other than give him time, and so long as you're willing to wait -- well, he's doubly lucky!

Yes there are disastrous stories, but there are also joyous stories of success.

As for the number of years it took me to realize this...it was around 5 years... 5 years after the point I realized that I had social/psychological issues (this also included 3 years of expensive therapy, haha, which is ongoing). But my situation is different than his because I've never actually been afforded the opportunity of mutual, unrestricted, attraction. His approach feels very much like how I would have acted in my 20s.

Anyway, hope that helps? And no, I don't think you're a sap. He's fortunate. It reminds me somewhat of a burgeoning relationship I'm in right now. A woman I'm attracted to and who has feelings for me as well, is currently going through rocky times with her current BF. Personally, I think he's an ass (but of course I would) because he snoops through her emails, texts, phone logs...and he's very needy. Anyway...she says she wants to fight for their relationship because there were many good times and she doesn't want to just throw it all away. No matter how much I want her to be with me, I can't fault her one bit for wanting to see if she can work out the issues with her BF. I would want her to do the same thing with me if we were together! So no, I can't fault her, and I wouldn't call you a sap for giving him time because there were times in my life in which I wish people would have given me time.

sorry, long winded...

Dear Asteroid,

I am not easily scared off by disastrous stories. I said in another reply I'm a bit of a Pollyanna. I believe in fairy tales even if I have never been fortunate to live one yet.

Well 5 years is not that long...LOL... I mean that actually. Like I said, I have nowhere to go. I will never find anyone like him again. So if he does decide one day he would like to have me, I would give myself to him willingly. It would make sense if his approach is similar to how you felt in your 20s. He never had the chance to have a relationship at that point in his life.

I'm sure this is all very overwhelming to him. I'm probably more than he can even bear... I match his attentiveness text to text, call to call, hour to hour. Which maybe I shouldn't. If I am wasting all his time with me, he really can't effectively explore his options. And if he does not address the possibility of AS, he may also be hindered as well...

Don't worry about being long-winded. I often am as well

the way you love him tells me that you are the perfect woman for him. but he is not the perfect man for you.
as long as you have to wait for someone to change, it's just your blind love that speaks. noone can change in such a way.
you know that if you show him your cold shoulder, he will try to get you back. but the whole thing will start again if you break down and come back to him. think of it. I'm very sorry for you.