Jealousy in relationships?

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My boyfriend and I are both Aspies. I have real problems with jealousy (probably because I'm incredibly insecure and have no self esteem whatsoever) and get really possessive and jealous over my boyfriend. Once I tried to forbid him from speaking to anyone female that was within his dating range before I realised how unreasonable that was (yes, I know it was bad, I feel bad about it now but at the time I didn't see anything wrong with asking and in an ideal world he wouldn't speak to anyone female within his dating range even now.) Because I get so madly jealous, it annoys me that he doesn't seem to at all. He doesn't seem to mind the fact that my best friends (all my friends, in fact) are men, that I came close to dating them before meeting him and that some flirt with me, and this really annoys me. I used to try so hard to make him jealous and it never worked. Apparently, though, he does get jealous, especially of a particular guy, and this made me feel relieved, but he doesn't want to show it because he thinks it would be a bad thing. My question is this; how jealous do other Aspies get, and is the typical Aspie mindset more like mine or my boyfriend's? Also, does anyone have ways of dealing with jealousy?

ah, jealousy's a b***h.

I don't think jealousy has anything to do with Asperger's. I've seen perfectly NT people be neurotically jealous in my life time.

Yea... that in itself is going to cause more problems than just jealously but alas the key to being less jealous? Be more confident in yourself. That you don't have to depend on him for your well being.

My aspie is extremely jealous, but it came from having girlfriends that weren't as devoted to him as he was to them. I found it easier to to just not make him jealous, but I don't need a lot of friends anyway, so giving up male friends was no problem. I know this isn't a popular opinion, but it's what I did.

I would gladly give up my (few) friends for him, because I don't need friends and don't care that much about them. I just wish that he'd get more jealous and say something or do something out of jealousy rather than suppress it.

You might want to ask him if he minds not speaking to the people that make you jealous. And then offer to do the same. I don't really understand why people think giving up one thing for something better is bad, but I know I've read that you're supposed to work it out while keeping these friends. I don't know. Sorry if I'm not much help. It's just, I would mutually agree to not making the other jealous. This was easier for me.

You might feel differently about it if you need some support over this later on.

It's interesting to note that you saw your jealousy as a problem, but you tried to raise his level of it. Why?

Have you discussed all this with your boyfriend? You've already identified that the desire for him to show jealousy is at least partly because of your own mindset. Then, should he be burdened with having to show jealousy to assuage your admittedly strong feelings of insecurity? I don't think I've ever heard of anyone "doing" anything healthy in the name of jealousy.

It might help to fully think out the consequences of whatever he may do out of jealousy. If he hits someone, he'll get arrested for assault. If he says something to someone, it may cause embarrassment for and resentment against him. You say you've stopped trying to provoke him, but I know that many people who have to deal with jealousy feel the impulse to make their partners feel jealous... if that's the case, I hope this helps to curb it.

If I'm wrong to assume that you want these things, and you're just hoping that he will talk about his feelings openly, I guess you should try to encourage him. Ask him, and do your best to seem welcoming and concerned, and not judgmental/accusatory. (I'm not assuming that you will seem angry, but I thought I should make a point of emphasizing this.)

I think Trigas has the best advice for getting over insecurity. It comes from within you, and your own-self confidence is the direct counter for it.

No good comes of jealousy.

There is a way to get out of it if you really want. I did this with obsessive angry thoughts.

Every time I caught myself having angry mental dialogue, I just thought; no. Then I focused on whatever I was doing. The angry thoughts returned; in a minute, an hour or several hours. But each time I said no and switched focus. Bit by bit, the time between angry thoughts lengthened until it wasn't obsessive any longer.

What a relief that little bit of determined work has brought me! That was 23 years ago and I still feel the relief and use the technique with any ugly thinking I find myself engaging in.

I am like your boyfriend. If a woman's going to cheat, you can't stop her. If she chooses another man, what can you do? Why get jealous if your partner says she wants to be with you? If she stops wanting to be with you, then it over. There's not a lot you can do about it.

If a woman cheats on me and I find out, it is over though. Then I lose trust. When I lose trust in people, it's over.

Probably off-subject but:
I get jealous when there is unrequited love, if there is a woman I like and she only wants to be friends. I take on a possessiveness, when in reality the woman has not made a commitment to me. I get jealous of the guys she interacts with. Why them and not me!

My wife (NT) and I (AS) don't really have any issues with being jealous. We have agreed on what is ok to do with others and what would make the other feel hurt. We both avoid the things we know that would make the other feel jealous.

That's pretty much my philosophy. If my boyfriend is happy with me then I have no reason to be jealous. If he's not then he shouldn't be with me anyway.

i get a little jealous. i wouldnt like it to be done on purpose though, that'd put me right off, playing games is a deal breaker.

When I was 18, I was a jealous type. It took time for me to develop confidence in myself and make better choices in partners. A lot of women flirt with my husband and it just makes me think less of them for hitting on a married man. I know he won't cheat. His ex-wife was paranoid about it and accused him consistently of cheating to such a point that he wanted to cheat just so he'd deserve the crap he got when he went home. Controlling, paranoid, jealous people aren't fun to be around.

This thread confuses me. I don't understand jealousy. Never experienced it, and don't get why someone would want such a quality in a partner.

To my mind, if my partner forms a bond of a romantic nature with someone other than me, they weren't really into me to begin with. Time to move on. Jealousy only serves to keep you hung up on someone not worth my time and effort, as well as often shifting blame to where it doesn't belong.

To the OP....In my opinion you need to stop the games you're playing with your bf...trying to make him jealous? Really?

Here's what I see happening here. You've admitted you have low self-esteem. You're bf doesn't get jealous which your low self esteem interprets as him not liking you very much. This makes you mad. Because if he really liked you, he'd be super, crazy jealous right? right? He'd be madly trying to fight off other dudes for your affection...

But this is b.s. You see how destructive this is? You see how your low self esteem is triggering this anger, and this downward spiral? So what if he doesn't get jealous with a little flirtation, to what extent will you go to make him jealous? Will you kiss another man in front of him? Accidentally on purpose cheat with some other dude and accidentally on purpose get caught? All to make him jealous so that your self esteem will increase?

You really need to work on you.