how do I find someone who'll love me again?

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I feel so cursed by my condition. I'm in constant overload and I find it so hard to find anyone who'll be interested in me. Friendwise either. I really just dream about finding a person who matches me. In the last relationship nothing clicked and it was kind of like Adam where I just depended on her for support and love. But I always wanted someone I could intellectually connect with. I feel so worthless lately.

Hello StillDays

I'm sorry that I cannot tell you something that will instantly solve your problem. What I can give you are what I hold as truths from experience, and they are hard to accept when you feel lonely and down for extended periods, and you may disregard them for now, but my hope is that by reading them seeds of thought will be planted and at a later date when you feel a little stronger you might revisit what I have to say and begin a new positive start

1. Being alone and lonely is far better than having a partner that doesn't truly care about you.
2. Being alone and lonely can be the basis of a circular pattern of thought down a dark spiral of self-pity and angst....OR...can be the starting point for change of perspective that allows for self-improvement...you are the only one that makes that choice.
3. Defiance is an incredibly powerful stance. It may feel as if the world is full of people that look down on you as something icky in the street to avoid stepping on, but setting out to prove the world wrong can lead to all sorts of interesting developments.
4. You must love yourself to enable anybody to love you. The degree by which you love yourself sets the limitation by which others can love you and also affects how others see you. Self-improvement leads to self-confidence which leads to opportunities to love and be loved.
5. Requiring little or no monetary outlay you can read about interesting things in the world that broadens your interests...and ability to be interested in by a larger range of people, simple exercises at home can improve your health and physical appearance, comedy can be enjoyed which heightens your mood and expands your ability to humour others(don't imitate comedians, this doesn't work...allow the material to nourish your own novel humorous expressions), studying to attain diplomas, advanced diplomas, associate degrees, degrees, achieving honours status, masters...in that order if you are not on the ladder right now, will lead to professional progress and the payoff is respect and added attraction of others...
6. If you feel as if you are at the bottom of a deep hole and water is rushing in to fill the void, don't panic, tread water until the water takes you to daylight slow and steady, patience, small steps that very slowly increase in gape...you might find yourself running up the side of this mountain called life towards a position with unequalled position and clarity of view.
7. Take good care of yourself. Nourish yourself correctly. Be kind to yourself. While others may not treat you as well as you would like sometimes, a lot of people are more than willing and able to treat you as poorly as you treat yourself.
8. Keep posting what's going on in your life in this forum. There are lots of very nice people on here that can relate to your experiences...we are all on our hands and knees shuffling aimlessly at times in our lives...the collective experiences can create a map for selection of direction.
9. Don't lay down and wish to drown in the ocean of your own self pity...if you succeed somebody has to clean up your mess and you rob everybody as keen to be part of a shared experience as I am your unique experiences from which we may learn and grow.

Hope that wasn't over the top. I like to cover as many bases as possible

Pleasure is derived from love when we have the opportunity to express appreciation for another and it is gladly received...it's excellent when it's reciprocated you should not ask yourself how you may find another to love you, rather, you should ask yourself how you can grow to love yourself...the rest will follow

And if you truly want to love, be loved, and connect with another on an intellectual level, then realise that love occurs on many levels and sex is not a condition of love. To have one to call your own is a natural desire, but try to build relationships without this requirement and then you'll be ready for an exclusive trade agreement with love as the commodity

Wonderful post ^^^
Thankyou so much for sharing.

Thank you Graelwn for the compliment I'm glad you found value in what I had to say. No need to thank me for sharing...just try to shut me up :p

*cough* ^^^this.

Yes you are cursed. No you won't find love. On average. Sorry to be harsh, but you are male, aspie, and a clerk. Just like me. I speak from long experience and a lot of thought. Hopefully somebody else has different experience and can prove me wrong. But I am 43 years old and desperately lonely. Suicide would have been a blessed relief years ago if I didn't know it would hurt my family so much.

If you were female or not aspie I could offer more hope, but you are not and I can't.

This is why:
Biologically males are expendable. You only need a few alpha males to propagate the species. So evolution favors extremes - males are the experiments, where risks are taken. The worst murderers are always male and so are the highest achieving mathematicians. It's not a HUGE difference, there are still female mass murderers and female top mathematicians, but the differences are enough that at the extremes (such as highly focused aspies) the males will outnumber the females, and some will never find a partner.

I have only met three people in my whole life who had anything in common with me, and they are all male. That is not uncommon for those who live on the statistical edge.

Now I cannot speak about your particular situation. There is a big random element - if you are rich, lucky, handsome, or contact enough people you can beta the odds. if you start young and devote your life to planning this you can beat the odds. But otherwise? Better find a way to cope with being alone. If it's any consolation there are other males like you. Hatred and cynicism sometimes helps. Or alcohol, I am told.

I have known lonely women as well, but as they tend to be less extreme they always have friends of some kind. For existential absolute loneliness, to be truly and completely different, so different that nobody can feel comfortable around you, you have to male.

I thought I had found my soul mate a few months ago. She claimed to be desperately lonely, Suicidally lonely. That whenever she was in a group of people they lost interest in her, that she could not connect with anyone. We shared so much in common, She was also highly intelligent and had similar interests. Or as similar as anyone's are. I am intellectually very, very different from other people.

I searched all the major dating sites for someone like her. She was the only person in the whole country who looked like she was even a tiny bit like me. I travelled five hundred miles to see her. She then came up for a weekend. She got to know me. We talked and chatted for two months. She got to know me better and better. So the emails became less frequent.

One hour ago she dumped me. She had previously said she was desperately alone. She had previously said she adored me. But after knowing me for two months she said there was no feeling there, she wanted there to be but there wasn't, ans she would rather be alone.

I am not a bad person. That is the problem: I have spent my whole life finding solutions to global poverty, and consequently see the world very differently from anyone else. I do wash, I try to tell jokes, I buy gifts, I listen, I listen some more, I write books and design games, I have run my own business, and been to two universities. I don't drink, always compliment, never stalk, have superb kids (from a loveless marriage) and never argue. But I am different. So different that there can never be a connection with any woman. To know me is to want to get away.

I should probably add that it is better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost. For NTs it is the other way around, because the love might be genuine - they might have had a connection for a while, they might have had hope, and that is precious. But if you are so different there is no hope, and any apparent love is an illusion. None of the women I date will ever say they are in a relationship with me. They are all just seeing what I am like. When they find out and they leave. And all I am left with is the knowledge of what I have lost.

Loving and losing is like a dying man in a desert having the most delicious cool drink given to him, and just as his lips touch the glass it is snatched away. Does that make the man feel better? If I may borrow medieval imagery, To never have loved is like being in limbo, or purgatory. But to be tormented, to have it brought so close and then taken away? Torment is reserved for hell.

Maybe somebody else can give you hope. All I can give you is experience.

EDIT: no, I will not end on a negative note. I am too stubborn. I have survived these 43 three years because I will NOT let the world beat me. I will tell you want you need. I will give you a simple answer, and it is guaranteed to work. What you need is MONEY. Get money. Do whatever it takes. If you have money you can always get love. You may need to work on other things, I do not know you, perhaps you need to wash or read books on dating. I don't know, but the absolute bottom line need is MONEY. The more money you have the more choices you have. You can travel, date every person in the world, find ways to amaze them. The more money you have the less you need anything else. The basis of romance is money. Other things help, sure, but look at who dates: they have similar incomes. Look at the ugly men who get beautiful women: they have money. Even the intellectuals who claim not want it, they need you to be solvent, and solvent these days means you have a house. It takes money. Do the math. Study the statistics. Don't listen to what people say, watch what they do. If you only have one thing, Make sure it is money. Then you have hope.

Wow, great post! Probably the best I've seen in my short time here.

Please do not read this post. I have to post it because if there is one person out there who is like me they will read everything and need to know they are not alone. But the odds of that person existing are close to zero, and for everyone else I will just depress them.

I spent my whole life defying the world. it is the biggest mistake I ever made. I should have admitted I was weak, and worked harder to fit in. I defied my university tutors: I would correct their mistakes. I defied society's expectations: I decide that what I was trained for was not ethical. I defied my peers: I was a religious fundamentalist in a nation of atheists. I then defined my church and left it when I discovered it was false. I could go on. All these things hurt me. Humility would have been a better strategy at every stage.


Loving myself is my second biggest mistake. I spent thirty years working on deep philosophical issues. I am incredibly proud of what I have achieved. I have done what nobody else could, and do you know what? It just cuts you off from humanity. You see the emperor has no clothes and you can no longer join in the parade. I should have respected my ideas less and theirs more. it does not matter if you are right. That just annoys people even more. Forget loving yourself. Love the world and everything about it. THAT is what people can understand and connect to. If you can do that then love yourself as an afterthought, great. But don't do anything you are too proud of, as that cuts you off from others. Neitzsche was right (thus spake Zarathustra). So was Sartre (in his "no exit" - "hell is other people"). Love yourself if you want, but I know plenty of people who don't and yet have friends. A certain degree of self doubt correlates well with fitting in.


This was my third big mistake. I spent my whole life studying, and it led me to think so differently that now I cannot connect with anyone. I am a qualified physics teacher, I have a marketing degree, I studied Film and Media at university, I have run a multimedia business, I was a missionary, my hobby is economics, I have studied philosophy, I ran a church, I published a book on Bible prophecy, I program games, I create art... take my advice, DON'T DO IT. Or if you must, study only for superficial reasons, to have something to chat about. Seek fact bytes, but never question their source or ask if they contradict each other. DO NOT study seriously. Do not think deeply. Do not question and probe. Oscar Wilde had the right idea. One prejudiced sound byte is far more valuiable than a wealth of facts.


This is the only good advice. Forget about love. You will never find it, especially if you think or care ot try to do anything worthwhile. Fit in. Just fit in. Fit in with as many people as you can. Believe whatever they say. Do whatever they do. Learn to think that what they say and do is the most important thing in the world. For God's sake, whatever you do, never ever be an individual, except in ways that others approve of. Fit in, fit in, fit in,and you will be accepted, and pretty soon someone will become your lover. Just fit in, that's all you have to do. You know teenagers who will do anything for approval? Evolution has programmed them to survive. Just make "fitting in" your only goal in life and you will be OK.

Sorry. I am just different. I know you mean well. Your advice is probably very good for most people. My problem is I am too different. If advice fits other people it won't fit me, kind of by definition. I should probably delete this post, as it goes against the grain. On the other hand, my posts are so long that nobody reads them so it probably doesn't matter either way.

I wrote to you trappedinhell.

stilldays there is hope.

Still using and abusing men, huh?

Trappedinhell and stilldays, run like hell.

that is NOT acceptable to say to her. she is kind and loving and generous, and reaches out to many people in friendship. she does not use and abuse men, and she doesn't deserve your nastiness in the slightest. i haven't seen YOU being kind to others as SHE has been on here.

She used and abused me, but I'm not someone who needs help according to you. Guess female solidarity is more important than Aspy solidarity.

so she went out with you and then dumped you? or she relied heavily on you for all kinds of support? or she borrowed money and didn't return it? after all, if she used and abused you then she must have gotten something out of you. or... she perhaps just turned you down when you asked her out.

it has nothing to do with her being female and everything to do with her being a genuinely nice and kind person who deserves to be defended. she has spent countless hours supporting people on here at their darkest hours.

She pretended to like me, just like she pretends to care about other people. She doesn't.

No, she didn't take money from me (though I'm sure we would've had we met in real life), but I've had plenty of other women do that.

it sounds like she was nice to you and eventually didn't want to date you when you asked. that doesn't make her a bad person in the slightest. she didn't do anything wrong at all. if she wasn't interested in you, that doesn't turn her into a user and abuser.

Nice try straw man argument, but I guess that's what the sisterhood has to resort to. I didn't ask her out...she lives in another part of the country. I just wanted to be friends (and she PMed me FIRST), but she wouldn't be friends once she saw how ugly I was. Yes, that does make her emotionally abusive.