NT-ish woman, totally taken with Aspie guy...

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I gotta say if you can tell he's Aspie, be MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH more direct than you'd normally be. Also use this as an opportunity to teach him how to tell when someone's flirting with him, since one of the most common "disabilities" of AS is being unable to pick up on these signs naturally. With me personally, it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to creep me out with excessive honesty and directness. If you tell him directly where you are with him and it's social/financial issues holding him back, he'll likely tell you.

"social/financial issues"... rrrrggh!! ! I don't want to punish anyone for their honesty because it's exactly what I asked for. So thank you, Comp Geek, and everyone else for weighing in. But honestly, social and financial worries DO NOT compute into my interest in another human being!! !! I am my own person. I have my own troubles and my own daydreams, and u don't expect anyone else to take all of that upon himself. I just like a guy. I don't care if he can pay his own bills and I sure as s***t don't expect him to pay mine!! !

My question iac how do I approach him without setting unrealistic expectations? It's not just that I'm embarrassed about the possibility of being turned down. I'm VERY VERY VERY MUCH worried that he wont know the difference between romantic curiosity and dedicated love.

I can tell you from firsthand experience (and despite my avatar, I am an adult male) that flirting will not work. Aspie men are nearly incapable of detecting nuance like that. I have left bars on several occasions and had my friends ask me in bewilderment "you know she was hitting on you right?" I had no idea. It's not that I was disinterested I just could't tell. If you want to see this person more seriously, you will need to say something along the lines of "I would like to get to know you better. Would you like to go out for coffee?" Yes. You will need to ask him out. Because short of flashing him(though if you want to try that, be my guest) he's unlikely to know you are interested. Happy hunting.

BTW, when I say that I'm ntISH I mean that I have mild Tourettes and insomnia. I'm generally considered "normal" and attractive, although normal doesn't really float my boat, so none of my NT friends understand my "weird" interests.

So, just tell him that you taking him to a special restaurant.

I can't say no to that!

ask him to go for coffee. it's pretty non-threatening. it was my husband's and my first date, and yes, me, the person with asperger's, asked him out, based, like you, on common interests.

we did have some bumps along the way, like when he said, "i'm not eating. i'm not sleeping. i don't need a doctor to diagnose this." and i said, "are you depressed?" the next morning i called him saying i thought i missed something important, but he had already decided to break up with me for rejecting his declaration of love. we got through that with a very tactful email on my part. (i can be tactful in writing.)

get back to us with how that goes and we can plot the next step, if need be.

Just go for it, think about it this way. The most he can do is turn you down. Well this is what I'd tell someone in any most situations, if the guy was aspie or not. And dont worry about it so much. And I was wondering, are u trying to say you have romantic curiosity or dedicated love towards him? I was confused on which one you want him to think?

indeed, if you want to get to know him, ask him out somewhere; yes, it might get awkward if it doesn't work out or he doesn't want to go out, but it would be better then eternal doubt on your part.

i am also an adult AS male, and like johnsmcjohn, i had friends tell me that this women was hitting on me so hard; if it was done to them they'd faint from it; yet i interpreted it as a "get away from me"...

just remember, body language and subtility wont work; you say you are independent, emancipated and able to take care of yourself, nothing wrong can come from taking the initiative in this situation either

I think the reason people keep bringing up money is that a man who doesn't have much will be unsure of his ability to show a woman a good time, and might avoid dating because of it. I don't think they're implying that you care, more that he may be insecure about it and that it'll help if you show him you don't care.

If you are afraid that he will mistake your interest for a proclamation of your undying love, then just tell him outright that you think he is interesting and want to get to know him better, but that you want to take things slowly and see what, if anything, develops. He will most likely take you at your word, we aspies don't tend to read too much into what people say, quite the opposite, we tend to not read enough into it.

Like others I also have a tendency to just not realize when women are interested in me. A coworker once told me that her boyfriend was out of town and that she was sexually frustrated, then invited me to her apartment. It was several days before I realized she wanted to sleep with me (biggest headslap moment of my life). That's the level of cluelessness you may be dealing with here. Trying to show your interest in an aspie without stating it outright is an uphill battle, to say the least.

I know you're worried about awkwardness if he says no. But (I hope I don't sound like a dick here) that is the risk a man takes every time he asks a woman out, you just need to decide whether he seems worth it.

I think it's awesome that you are willing to pursue this guy. Too many women (hell, too many men for that matter) miss out on what, and who, they want because they're too afraid to just go for it.

hi,

Aspie guys are generally very attractive to women, especially if they have insecurity issues.

Aspie guys tend to be honest, dont flirt with other women, usually capable of fixing things, completely blind to the warning signs (you may give out) that would scare most NT guys away.

However, an Aspie is for life, not just for christmas so do consider how your emotional needs will cope with an Aspie partner and also look up the many things you will have to sacrifice in order to fit into his world.

These are serious considerations.

And i am a male with an NT partner..

bill

It's been my experience as an Aspie that I need extreme direct & bluntness because I am completely oblivious to hints sometimes. Anyone who would try to flirt with me instead of being straight out honest would be incompatible with me. If he really is an Aspie; you may always have to be very direct & blunt with him because subtlety may never work with him.

Last edited by nick007 on 29 Sep 2011, 10:20 am, edited 2 times in total.

Two things:

1) Have you considered trying to find an activity related to your passion that could be done outside his workplace just the two of you and trying to see how comfortable he seems around you when he isnt working?.

2)Some male members think that relationships are based on a financial agreement/being hot and the reason why they cant get a date is because they arent financially secure/hot enough.
Several members have provided examples of why this isnt true but they refuse to listen so its not that they have something against you, its some sort of self defense mechanism thats been created as an excuse to avoid working on their flaws/issues(since all females want a financially secure man/hot man and I cant become either of those things at the moment I can only blame females for their shallowness)

If you want to start a relationship, you can do what my now-wife did: she said "guess we should get this over with", and when I turned my head to ask "huh?", she started making out with me. Didn't take me long to get the message.

I laughed out loud at that story! It's actually very sweet. I WILL get back to you. I'm seeing him this weekend for something work-related (that's actually not entirely true. I make work-related excuses to "consult" with him, even though I know other people who are probably more qualified to give me advice as consultants).



I'm only interested in getting to know him better at this point, and I don't want him to think that I'm expecting or offering anything other than getting-to-know-you time together for the time being.



Yes you're probably right. I think the first few comments about money/billing, etc threw me off. To be clear: I DID say I met the guy at work, right? So he has a job. I also know he drives, so I'm sure he can afford a cup of coffee or a slice of pizza, and I never have men pay for me unless they insist. Anyway, I'd probably ask him to do something outdoors and related to his interests, first.



No, you don't sound unfair or sexist at all! It's a fact, men are usually the ones who have to put themselves out there, and one of the fringe benefits of being a female is that all we usually have to do is make a little eye contact or give a little smile and a cock of the head. And if this isn't reciprocated, we can always just pretend we weren't flirting and move right past it. I have asked men out before, but they weren't AS guys, so I could tell they were interested but shy. With this one, I have no idea. Sigh.





Bill, thank you for your bluntness. I've wondered if my attraction has something to do with insecurity or co-dependency on my part. I don't scare NT guys away, lol, in fact I usually "send" them away. I was in a truly horrible, abusive relationship 5 years ago and every time I've tried to put myself out there since then, I've always ended up totally freaked out. So I think a big part of my attraction is that this guy seems child-like (also, he's a bit younger than me). Do you think that's wrong?

As for the "for life, not for Christmas" quote, I like that a lot. It's part of the reason I'm timid about approaching him. I don't want to end up hurting someone who may be highly sensitive, or hurt by past rejections.

1) I tried to ask him to join me on an expedition but I didn't ask bluntly. I said, "there's this amazing thing (related to our mutual interest) that I want to do, but I don't want to do it alone, and none of my friends are interested in going..." It's a free, outdoor, rare natural phenomenon sort of thing. I was hoping he would get the hint? Of course I got nothing but Mind you, this was about a month ago, before I joined WP. I've learned a lot from the L&D forum, so I know I'll have to be more blunt if I give it another shot.

2) I've seen that. To be honest, I almost gave up on the idea of (possibly) pursuing an Aspie because I read so many hateful, hostile, sometimes frightening posts on WP by Aspie men who blame women for not adoring them just the way they are: miserable and full of contempt. FTR, the guy I'm interested in is average looking (probably below average to anyone who can't see beyond his goofy grooming habits and avoidance posture), works in a low level job, and drives an old car with rusted fenders and faded paint. He's the farthest thing from "Alpha" (yuck). I like him because he's intelligent, sweet natured, and enthusiastic. Hear that, Fellas?

This is your Dilema here, Aspies tend to be very sensitive, just because they cannot express it very well does not mean they do not feel it. Here lies a source of another problem, not being able to express it means it cycles around in their head in a self destructive stress loop which utilises so much energy that the result is they can interact with their partner even less. Additional rejection or negative remarks from their partner exacerbates that cycle until they eventually shut down or blow up.

In my view the chances of this cycle growing is a lot faster if the partner has self confidence and image issues and they will view this as a serious rejection by the aspie. Even though in reality it isn't.

The "child like" qualities are very common, emotional maturity is usually very poor, mine is. This is common with children .

however Children (who aren't aspie etc..) grow up and mature emotionally to varying degrees.. Aspies remain where they are and only learn how to work around it manually. this is extremely tiring/exhausting to do.

Basically you will feel the need to "mother" him, what you don't realise until later though is that is what you will have to do forever and your own emotions and needs may be left in a void.

If you are strong and sure of yourself and don't have deep insecurities then it may work, else it maybe a recipe for disaster.

As you may of gathered, I married a woman who had a whole childhood of emotional scars from abusive parents, my Aspie instincts were to rescue and try and fix things... I was ill equipped to do so though so even though i could sort out the physical needs I was not able to deal with the intense emotional needs.

NT guys would of avoided her like the plague as no doubt the hyper dependency warnings signs were 50ft high to them.

She hit the alcohol in a big way, i almost killed myself trying to keep things going due to the insatiable black hole of insecurities she had.. Eventually after 19 years she left to go and sort her life out , me and the kids continued on our own. she never returned.

Looking after three children is not something that is easy for an Aspie lone parent either.

It isn't until you are outside of such a relationship that you realise how toxic it was to your health and wellbeing.

Sorry if you think this is overly blunt or negative. I would suggest you seek counselling to deal with the past issues that are on your mind before clutching at the first "nice guy" you see who, on the surface, looks like they would be able to live with your insecurities and not exacerbate them.

bill