Very attractive girl says...All I had to do was wait...

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My experience is similar to the new zealand thing. At a small party a girl curls up in my lap and I put my arm around her. The next day we wake up like that and she invites me to breakfast... turns out were now dating.

Walking along helping a girl home. She leans on me and her hand drifts a little further down. I don't push her away and she invites herself back to my room.

Hanging out on the couch at a friends. Girl I met asks "so... wanna make out?"

That kind of thing. Happened fairly often both in virginia and colorado. Of course, it never happened until I learned to sit back and semi-relax around women. Acting tense and nervous makes you seem unapprochable. Happy and nervous, however, go well together.

This is what I have been trying to explain as my concept of the word "date". If you ask me out, you are asking me to be your boyfriend. If you ask me to accompany you for dinner or a movie, then you are asking me as a friend. They are very distinct in my mind.

Maybe you're never lived with angry red cysts on your face and been asked if you're contagious before someone reluctantly shakes your hand?

And no, looking like that is, I would say, comparable to being extremely overweight in it's potency for repelling men.

I'm 23, dress decently, have good skin, and recently shed a hundred pounts, and guess what?
I've still not ever been approached by a man,

which is why men swearing up and down about how women have men throwing coats over every puddle for them makes me do this ---->

I try very hard not to speak for all women, and some people can't even restrict their fantasies to their OWN sex- they project them onto the other in order to cling to their own pre-conceptions.

I actually read the same article, and naturally thought, hey i want to post about it.

But then i found this thread, and all that there were to say about it had been said already, as in older threads... and ones before those.

The only new insight here was from poeticwrongplanet who summed it up beautifully.


I for one choose to be alone until i find someone that 1) i can stand being in the same room with and 2) can see a future with. If i wanted to be with a single mom with bloody annoying screaming kids or a girl who either smokes or do drugs, i would not be single, and *I* accept that. Unfortunately women (and i'm talking about the vast majority, which are NT) rarely realise that sometimes a woman REALLY has to change her ways.

I've seen the same faces on dating sites year in, year out. They periodically return like the fishes in rivers and dream that a prince will send them an email and "love me for who i really am" which is Neurotalk for "Why the f**k should i have to change? I was a cheerleader/cutest girl in school" (Yeah, you probably were 15 years ago).

-"Why is this"? You might ask.

I do not know about you but i sure have my hypothesis ready, and like Boo said, lots of it is to blame on culture, which hasn't changed very much over the years.

I think what you're on to is that we have a certain amount that we can actually sway ourselves - having AS or being an outlier isn't something we can change. Obviously, we can't be with anyone who just looks at the fine details of how we pick up a fork, how we address a server, and thinks "What a f***ing gash loser" because we weren't fashionable to their standards. At the same time, we have to find people who are coordinated with us on some level - if I'm into music and my sports aren't in the baseball/football/basketball triad - things mutually won't go well with a girl who's all top 40 and all basketball or all football - she might *think* it only went bad for me (no aspersion on women - this is more an in-group thinking issue) but anyone with observational skills would know that she was just as clueless to what I needed.

I'm kind of just getting back to where I don't see how or where I would find someone who's actually a proper match. Eharmony used to deliver matches to me constantly, I'd meet them, I wouldn't be interested, and that cycle kind of just built up where I grew to hate the process. At this point, IMO, it either happens for me IRL or it doesn't. While I am willing to put myself out there when I want to be there I don't see the point of forcing my comfort zone open either in that a) On someone else's territory I'm off my game (showing the traits society wants to weed me out over), b) the farther outside my range I am the farther off point the people I'll find out there will be. So, I'm really at the point of saying I'd rather invest in myself, invest in success in my own endeavors, and if I end up being that guy at 40 who's single and still living like he's 25 as sort of the failed gender role self-actualizer so be it.

Been there too, and finding someone who shares interests with someone who is rather an odd-ball isn't the easiest thing to do. On a normal dating site maby 3-4 women are really interesting, the rest are - "I can stand being in the same room as this person". That alone without the "See a future with her"-criteria isn't a good start. But i've still gone on dates, hoping that she might be different. This is what they call "being delusional" i think



While there is no reason to step out of your comfort zone, but it can be an interesting experience. Learning what not to do on a date, aspie or not, is sort of crucial, but i guess you are there already.

I'm already there, "mostly given up". At times, i reactivate old dating site accounts every 6 months or so, but a few days later i tell myself "Who am i kidding?", and dating sites usually try to portray it as if "there is someone for everyone", but there are some who will end up alone regardless of how writers of relationship columns may dream. Only thing on their mind is making money on single people - that's why you get "matches" when you log in, and that's why i do not use pay sites anymore.


To make things clear: what i've talked about rarely is more of an NT-Woman 2 Aspie-guy problem, than an Aspie relationship thing, which was the article was about. This is usually where the confusion sets in and the 2 gender sides of the forum starts throwing raw-eggs at eachother...

Good point. On the other hand though proper aspie-aspie dating is quite difficult to nail, just in that we don't often find a place with a high concentration of other aspies, due to our own families and heritage may have no desire to globetrot to find aspie strongholds as we'd feel like we're throwing away the best of our own history. Likely we would do better with someone anyway who was shaped by the same culture, talking to people long distance is really a craps shoot as well in that the most immovable thing - ie. chemistry - is not sorted and you can really end up hurting feelings when you have no desire to. Add that aspie-aspie chemistry can be really difficult; ie. just go to an aspie support group some time and you see just how difficult it is to keep you're NT 'game' up; mainly because when you watch signals and responses you get no positive feedback, whereas NT's will prop you up from their side.

Yeah I'm with the guys on this. Men in general are expected to lead. That must be 1000x more difficult whentheres trouble reading body language, and you've been raised not to make a fool of yourself.

Ummm, no. That's definitely not the picture that came to mind when I read "acne". Sorry.



Never ever?

I dunno, do you scowl a lot? I'm kinda fishing for stuff here. (Oh hell there's no way not to come out with it... how much more weight do you have to lose?)



Yeah that theory-of-mind stuff is hard.

My point was that the vast majority of women aren't goddesses that drop men's jaws. They have paunches, cellulite, acne, stretch marks, or a combination.


Nope.

No, I'm just a normal woman, maybe even have more going for me looks-wise than many.
When having your preconception challenged makes you puzzled, maybe you should realize it's irational?

With a weight loss medication and starvation, I've lost a hundred pounds in six months, and with laxatives am now 114.4, at 5'1"- you tell me how many more pounds I "have to lose".


A lack of theory of mind would involve projecting one's own experiences and thoughts and feelings onto other people,
not making up fantasies about an entire sex of people.

None of the men here declaring most women have numerous suitors (snort) has ever been a woman.
Even the individual women can't speak for any one else.

^^^ you don't pull your punches do you

Are you referring to me?

I don't follow.

I think she's probably referring to this line.



That sounds pretty hostile.

Ah, no- was commenting on someone trying to guess randomly at some flaw I might have,
rather than rejecting their notion that the average Jane has men dueling with pistols over her at dawn.

I realize that and I understand that your defensiveness/offensiveness was proportional to his offensiveness, I'm just saying that's what MountZion was likely referring to and why.

Good things come to those who wait