Online Dating

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Well I met my current boyfriend online on Ok.cupid......but yeah the only reason it worked out was we live in the same city and were able to meet up and get to know each other. I am not much into trying to develop a relationship online because its just not the same as actually seeing someone in person.

I think that Online Dating is a good thing.

Where I live, I don't find women who I am attractive to for one. Another thing is that the women who I do meet in person don't tend to want to be bothered with me. I've had a hard time dating and it always ends in failure. With online dating, I have had much better success with women: finding women who are actually interested in me and find me appealing as to women who want nothing to do with me and are offended by me asking them out.

True, a person can lie over the internet and stuff like that, but I'm being completely honest and so far all the women I met online have also been as honest. I'm willing to travel over land and air for true love; its the meeting someone that is hard for me.

So I have nothing against dating. That and I seriously doubt I'd find a girl who would even give me a glance in person. They just tend to flee at top speeds or judge a nice, kind guy like me as awkward or weak.

Most of the women I have met online have been completely honest too, but some very important intangibles cannot effectively be conveyed online.

The one that really sticks out in my mind as an introverted Aspie is intellectual depth. I am certainly not a snob about IQ (whatever that is), and I don't need someone who can discuss Spinoza and Sartre over sushi (although 10 billion bonus points will be awarded if she can! ) but I am simply not compatible with someone that doesn't even know the capital of the state they live in. I've had long awkward pauses where any subject I bring up, no matter how mundane is received with a blank stare, we simply have an entirely different worldview. I am generally ignorant of pop culture, so I don't have that to fall back on. It was an awful feeling - these were supposedly "educated" women too, or at least they had acquired academic credentials.

I'll jump on a plane in a heartbeat to meet the right person, but what if you travel to Kazakhstan and find out you are at a loss to be able to carry even a basic conversation?

[/bitter rant]

This is exactly it.

You live in the same city. You meet IN PERSON.

I especially stress that people who meet online should only have a few (maybe five max) back and forth conversations online and then they need to meet in person.

It is unhealthy to develop an emotional attachment to an online person. One needs to meet to see if there is chemistry, to see if they are what they represented in online conversations and to see each other in normal circumstances so one can get to know each other in everyday life.

I'll explain everyday life further - when people meet only for weekends or special "dates" - they are on their best behaviour, they usually do something "special" like a concert, out - for - dinner or something else a little special. Every day life is how one conducts themselves on a regular basis. Is someone nice to the gas station attendant? Do they wash their hands before making toast? Do they appear to manage their money wisely? Are they nice to their relatives? Do they keep their apartment reasonably clean on a regular basis? Are they still fun to be around when the "date" is just watching tv and doing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle and eating scrambled eggs and toast? Are they kind? Are they relatively stable (in personality at least).

These are the kinds of things that are easier to assess when getting to know someone in real life. It cannot be determined online or even over Skype. It requires actual physical presence and time together.

Online dating is just for making first contact. The rest still needs to be lived out in real life and in real time.

This is where the successes happen.

I think I've met 3 people online who I clicked with IRL - and we didn't exchange many messages.

I find intelligence really attractive...and what most people seem to think is intelligence, is having a lot of knowledge. So, I like knowledge...*but* some knowledgable people I've met are very rigid in their thinking. They talk as if what they know is the only answer, and are very hard to challenge, because they seem to think they've already answered the question. So, open-mindedness is a wonderful thing. I've met so few people who are open-minded. They tend to be less judgmental, too, and more knowledgable...

I'm much better at thinking of things to say, face to face and on the phone than in text. You can see where the conversation is going IRL, and on the phone.

I still feel like 4-5 conversations is a bit skimpy before actually dating. There's no time to figure out if you actually like someone before the dating starts...

personally, i prefer video chatting first.

heh, I'm *so* behind the times. I don't even have a camera for my PC...

Nobody says that you have to start dating first time you meet and its common to have a relationship undefined for at least 3/4 dates.

As for the content exchanged on the messages, it depends on what you are looking for. Ive been messaging quite a few people online and Ive made quite some improvements on what to ask in order to get to know a person better in less time, its all based on trial and error and you should try things for yourself and see what works and what doesnt.

Meeting for coffee to see each other in person is not "dating" - it is a chance to have a face-to-face conversation and see the real person rather than the online persona. Even seeing the person for a walk or movie or see an art gallery exhibit is not necessarily "dating" - it is just spending a few hours together to see if one wants to pursue a dating relationship (which is more romantic in nature).

Anyways - this is just what worked for me. Keep in mind, I actually used match.com and was successful at meeting people and ended up marrying someone (and have been married for eight years). I'm only sharing tips I learned along the way that I believe helped me be successful.

I know what you mean, back when I was into online dating I called these "pre-dates" and designed them to be able to be cut short and exited gracefully - and unfortunately sometimes this was necessary...

Agreed, I look at online dating as just a convenience. It can be hit-or-miss for long term and I am 1 for 2 myself when it comes to the online dating game.

There are intangibles, I was glad that those clicked and were in line with my expectations.

I have had bad experiences with this but now I'm kind of reconsidering it. I just wish that I lived in a city, not a town, for this & other reasons.

does that really happen?

That's a classier place for spouse hunting, to be sure. Not so great for getting practice interacting though.



Sound advice.

Sure. Dating is a game of chess and that's an opening move.
Usually the sexually aggressive approach is to be open about one's preference in the beginning. This garners a lot more rejections than the friendship oriented approach.

That particular quote is rather rude and unpolished.



This assumes the woman in question wants to avoid sex.
If a woman enjoys sex the whole game looks different.