Alone time?

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My boyfriend has Asperger's syndrome. I do not. We have been dating for about two years. Occasionally, he requests a few days - a week to himself to do things alone. This is difficult for me to accept sometimes - I worry that he is losing feelings for me. Does this sound unusual to any of you with Asperger's, or normal?

In my opinion it could be both. I have dated someone on the autism spectrum and they like their alone time. But that doesn't mean there isn't a possibility something else is going on. Since it is hard for us to verbalize our emotions, try to find out if something is bothering him. Aspies aren't usually afraid to admit it if asked the right question.

Last edited by Ria1989 on 04 Oct 2011, 5:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I personally don't find it to be a significant issue for me. I enjoy being around other people, though I stop talking after a little while once I run out of energy.

Some people with Asperger's have significant issues with things like sensory information and needing their own personal space, so I doubt he's starting to care less for you. He might not be very good at showing you how he feels about you, but the need to be alone has nothing to do with wanting to avoid you.

Try thinking of him as a person from a different culture to yours, that has different norms regarding things like time to oneself. But, if you feel your emotional needs aren't being met, be sure to tell him this and work out a compromise. He certainly won't be likely to pick up on it by himself if you're feeling neglected, so do communicate your needs to him in a clear manner.

This. Particularly the bolded part. That sounds perfectly normal to me, I'm like that with my Aspie boyfriend sometimes too.

My boyfriend also has Aspergers and I do not. He also needs space and time to himself. Generally, I will see him for a day or two in a row and then he will need to separate himself from me for about 24 hours. No contact at all. Or sometimes I'll just get one check in text in a 48 hour period. No longer than that. We've been together over two years and it took him a long time to admit he needed this. He felt obligated to at least check in with me every day. But he finally admitted that it was just too draining to have that sort of obligation on himself. He let me know that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. He explained it in such a great way that it didn't threaten me at all. It is a little sad when I don't hear from him and I do miss him, but I just go about my other business and then when I do hear from him it's a thrill and we have a much better time than when he wasn't getting time to himself.

I agree that you should ask him about it. At first, it can be a little difficult for us NTs to understand that restorative alone time. But I've seen it in action and it's made a huge difference for us.

(not yet diagnosed/awaiting call back for appointment) I have the same issue. I am very streaky socially. But it doesn't usually last a day or two. I sometime go months and have gone more than a year where I literally don't talk to anyone for the most part. About a year or so ago I purposely left my phone/turned off somewhere so that I wouldn't have to deal with calls and I could be away from people for a while. I have done this several times. Once I just simply told people my phone was broke so I have to wait until I get a new one. And another time I said I lost it. The toughest part about it was lying. I rarely lie, almost never.

I have been married for over 5 years, and we were together for 3 years before we got married, and I REQUIRE alone time. He still does not understand and I can't seem to explain it to him. There's no loss of feelings involved, I just get overwhelmed and need time away from it all. We also have a 4 year old who is very active so it just makes everything crazy, especially in a time like right now where our daughter is home with me all the time, and not at a babysitter.

I wish I could have days or a whole week to myself sometime. It's normal and nothing to worry about. We just need some time to recharge.

Entirely normal. I work from home and I get easily 8 to 10 hours of alone time a day. And if I've been out on business meetings, travel, etc. where I have to interact a lot, the 10 hours a day alone doesn't feel like anywhere near enough.

People who don't need that alone time seem abnormal to me.

It's very common, social situations and relationships tend to cause more stress for aspies because we're much more analytical and have a harder time processing social cues. The best bet for you is to stop being insecure to avoid appearing clingy or simply move on. If he likes you enough, he'll soon start chasing after you.

i have only recently been diognosed and always wonder why my partners found it strange that i liked to have time alone because for me this seemed normal. I am female so for a lot NT men they cant unserstand this. I would suggest that you get yourself some for of hobby to fill you time with while he is needing alone time. For me the more a partner disapproved of my alone time the more distant i become.

I guess also if i have been around people alot i need recovery time and even when others are in the house such as my daughter she feels alone due to my need to withdraw. But i think alone time is also good for NT in relationship as it keeps you in touch with who you are rather than you getting lost in someone else and their needs. So if you want the relationship to last then you need to be comfortable with being alone at time too and be happy alone. Hope this helps.

I know this post is a little old, but I'll still try. I'm an Aspie and my boyfriend is not. Last night I spoke with him on the phone for quite a while, explaining to him why I need alone time. He just didn't accept it. It's not something he would do to show that he cares for people. I really tried my best to be articulate and explain that my alone time is completely separate from how I show my love for him. But for him, if you care for someone, you'd want to spend as much time as possible with them, or you'd want to willingly be around them. The trouble is, I've never had to explain this to anyone before, and it's proving to be very difficult. But then again, I've never done school, work, and relationships all at the same time. Every single day I feel so drained and tired. About 80% of the time I spend with him, we're at his house and I ALWAYS end up falling asleep on his bed at the end of the night. I know I feel tired because I'm out of energy from being around people. They just zap me! And the worst part is that they don't even know they're doing it. I want to shout "Don't take my energy, I need it for my boyfriend!" but that's impossible.

My routine is all messed up, I use a bunch of gas just to drive back to my house for a couple hours of silence and rest, but it's just not working. My instinct is to say "I just want to get away and have some complete quiet time, no calls, no texts, nothing" to him, but I know that he takes that personally... when it's not personal! I would do that to anyone. I believe that everyone needs time to themselves, to unwind and get things in order. Please, I don't want to lose him over something like this... any advice at all? He says he understands my explanations, but now he just feels sad. He's truly opening up to me and I to him and everything is so delicate. I'm just really worried now. Will this ruin everything?

only that eh? he must be one of the extroverted ones.

Normal, to me. Too much company of people gets tiring for many aspies.

sounds normal. keep in mind you can ask him blunt questions and get an honest response and probably not hurt his feeling so your best approach to any problem with your relationship would be to ask him.

sounds normal to me...i have aspergers and if im around one person for a long period of time then eventually i get cranky and i lash out. i like 3 days alone then 4 days with others.